CRUD part 1

Written by Olaf the Bald, cuz I'm BACK, BABY!

That's right, I'm back! Well, actually, I'm not. I've only 'back' in the sense that I finally got internet service, rewarded to me for having good behavior in jail.

Yeah, I'm in jail, captured by a buncha CRUD agents, which is where I ended up after I disappeared after I defeated the Urgur. Which, incidentally, I'm still sorta peeved about, since Omar had to go and steal Chia from...

You know what? Let's just start from the beginning.

After I defeated the Urgur, I disappeared. I have no idea where I went. All I remember is that I was in a dark hallway, and I could not see more than three feet ahead of me either way. I decided to take the right path, and...

And that's it. Dreams: too many mysterious setting, not enough plot. Except for that dream I had once where I got dropped off at a dog pound by my parents, but hey, I'm down wi' that.

I felt my body begin to come together. That's right, come together. It was like all of my molecules had seperated and had finally decided to come back together. As I materialized, I saw Omar makin' out with Chia the Mace.

I dunno; I thought Chia and I had some special connection, but that's not what really irks me about why those two were all ova' each other. Gregory told me in an interupted phone conversation that she wanted to go on a date with me. Why would he do that if she really had the hots for Omar?

Anyway, as I felt myself become completely whole, I felt a tug at my navel. Before I could flinch, I felt myself being pulled into a strange vortex. The next thing I knew, I was in a jail cell.

The jail cell was rather large, seemingly enough room to contain over a million people. I'm not exagerating, either; this cell was HUGE. As I materialized once more, a red light began to flare right above my head, and a loud horn began to blare. Running to the single large door, I attempted to open it and found that it was closed.

Suddenly, ten strange men dressed in long, flowing, dark purple cloaks appeared from around a corner. They came up short when they saw me.

"YOU?" one of them said with in disbelief. "You're the one who killed our masters?" I wasn't sure who had said it, because the cloaks covered their entire face and bodies in such a way that each one looked alike, like a complete and total clone of the other.

"Who were your master?" I asked. "'Cause I've killed a lot of people, and unless you have a specific name or description, I'm afraid I can't..."

"Our masters were the URGUR, you NINNY!" a purple cloak said.

"Oh." I said. "Yeah, that was me."

"And you're the only one who did it?" one of the purple cloaks asked. I summoned up the innermost humility within me.

"Yep," I said.

The ten purple cloaks conferred. They turned to me once more. "You do know that the First Ones triggered a spell around them that, when they were killed, their killer would be sent to us to do as we pleased?" one said.

"And... it would please you to give me Penguin Pie, right?" I asked eagerly.

The purple cloaks stared at me. "I can't believe THIS guy is the killer," One said diappointedly.

"Believe it, bub," I said.

The purple cloaks conferred. "Though we did not expect the Urgur to ever be defeated, we expected there to be many who would defeat them, not just one man."

"One VIKING man," I proclaimed in an angry tone. I thought for a second. "I guess that's why this cell is so big..."

"No matter," a purple cloak said. "Your punishment will stay the same."

"What is that?" I asked.

"YOu will be locked in this cell, trapped, FOREVER." a purple cloak said.

"Why don't you just kill me?" I asked.

"Captivity is worse than death," one said sagely.

"Well, that blows," I said.

"OH!" Another said. "And we will be free to torture you whenever you want!"

"Whenever I want?" I asked eagerly.

"No, I meant whenever we want." the purple cloak. "Slip of the tongue."

"However, any killer of our masters is too dangerous to be allowed to have his cell door open for even a second, especially when he is armed." He gestured to my Nunchucks and Machete, which still hang at my side. "So, we will throw your food in through the bars..." he pointed. "And we will snipe you from the other side."

"Snipe me with what?" I asked.

As if on cue, all ten of the purple cloaks raised their right arms. The cloak fell away from where their hands should be. Instead of a hand, a strange, metallic-looking thing protruded from it.

"What is-" I began.

Suddenly, I was blasted off my feet. Ten different pains swept over me. It felt like I was getting hit by a train, smashed by a spiked mace, sliced by a boat motor, kicked by a kangaroo's foot, pummeled by Mike Tyson, squashed by a falling aircraft carrier, snapped by a hammer, pulverized by an irate chess player, stabbed by a knife, and shot with an arrow. As I skidded to a halt all the way on the other side of the dungeon, I felt sick to my stomach. Blood splurted off of me, and I knew my beautiful face was damaged.

"These are R-Guns," a purple cloak called. "You point it at someone and think of what pain you want them to be in, and they feel that pain."

"That's disgusting and immoral," I growled, shaking off the insurmountable pain. "How do I get one?"

"Cut off your right hand, swear alleigiance to the Urgurian cause, and allow it to be branded to your nerve system," they answered.

"Never!" I croaked. "My nerve system is too valuable!"

The purple cloaks laughed. "This will happen daily, enemy of the Urgur," one said. They turned and left my sight. Crawling onto one knee, I bellowed, "AND WHAT DO I CALL YOU?"

One returned, standing at the door of the cell. "We are the Certified Radicals of Urgur Deliverance." He turned to leave.

"Crud..." I whispered. I had already forgotten half of what he had said.

"Yes," the purple cloak said, sticking his head back into view. "We are also known as CRUD."

To be continued...