Well, its been about a month since I've started bloggin every day. Haven't missed one yet, but due to the schedule Gregory the Hairy has set up for the upcoming summer, I may get off my game. Just a warning.
I am absolutely disgusted with the results of this month's poll. Let's look at the results, SHALL WE?
Vikings: 1 (I WAS THE ONE WHO VOTED FOR VIKINGS!)
Ninjas: 5
Pirates: 1
Samurai: 0
Clowns: 0
Robots: 0
Dentists: 1
Postal Workers: 3
Firemen: 1
What is with this. I thought those who read this blog are Almost-Vikings, not ANTI-VIKING SYMPATHESIZERS! Disgusting!
So, yeah, Ninjas won.
Also, there was a consistent number of votes the entire month: 12. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU FREAKS TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT ME!
Gosh!
Dang!
Freak!
Darn!
Flip!
GARAH!
Anyway, I have compiled two new polls I need you peeps to answer. The first is a simple one:
WHICH IS BETTER: CAKE, OR PIE?
I mean, if you combined all the pies in the world to make one pie, and if you combined all the cakes in the world to make one pie, which is better? You can't be like, "Oh, I like chocolate cake better than pecan pie, so cake is better." NO! That gives an unfair advantage to cake.
The second also deals with cake and pie: WHICH DESSERT WOULD WIN IN AN ULTIMATE BATTLE?
You know the answer, as do I. Here are the contestants:
Pie
Cake
Donuts
Ice Cream
Candy Bars
If you have another candidate you want added, please comment me.
Buh-BYE, you ninja and postal-worker sympathesizers.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Double Post Today: Featuring WeEsStooPiddle INC
Oops. The post earlier today is gonna get me in trouble.
Did I really say that out loud? How I sell your email addresses? Oh well. You can deal with it. Look, if some marketers came up to you and offered you a hundred bucks per email address you get, heck, you would do it too!
I've only sold four email addresses so far, so I've only got four hundred bucks. I'm planning on using the money to buy nukes so I can nuke your hometown *COUGH COUGH AHACK AHEM* I mean give to my favorite charity.
The marketers I sold email addresses to are called 'WeEsStooPiddle Inc.' WeEsStooPiddle Inc is an interesting group to meet with, since they consist of four persons who all periodically smell their armpits.
Their leader, a talking gluestick named Stapler, likes to play professional curling and clog.
Their second-in-command, George, a hairy hobo with a beard that trails all the way down to her knees, likes pizza and scaring little kids.
Their third is a Dwarf named Fimlu, who doesn't speak english, but communicates through a series of clicks and clacks that he makes by smashing two cocnuts together. As far as I can tell, no one knows what he's saying anywhy.
The last member is an invisible, deaf, and dumb dude named Sir Fizzlehoinkmenterman that Stapler likes talking to. George claims he's imaginary, but he must exist, since Stapler is the most sane person I've ever met. Just yesterday, while I was getting my four hundredth dollar, Stapler yelled, "LOOK OUT! A buggerbusser!" and threw himself and my right ear. After getting his glue part stuck to it, I decided that he must have actually seen whatever he was talking about, since George then yelled, "THOSE DON'T EXIST!" Since she doesn't believe in Sir FIzzlehoinkmenterman either, that confirms the Buggerbusser's existance, too.
They live in Atlantis, so whenever they want to see me, I sneak past Gregory and wait for them to come over the side of the boat. They always know where I am, which is a little freaky, but hey, when you're working for marketers, that's what you need to deal with.
So I gotta go now. Bye.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
HAHAHAHAHA!
I was just kidding! WeEsStooPiddle Inc doesn't exist! I made them up so you would forget I sold your email addresses! HAHAHAHA!
Unless you came all the way down here and read this part...
Then you KNOW...
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Did I really say that out loud? How I sell your email addresses? Oh well. You can deal with it. Look, if some marketers came up to you and offered you a hundred bucks per email address you get, heck, you would do it too!
I've only sold four email addresses so far, so I've only got four hundred bucks. I'm planning on using the money to buy nukes so I can nuke your hometown *COUGH COUGH AHACK AHEM* I mean give to my favorite charity.
The marketers I sold email addresses to are called 'WeEsStooPiddle Inc.' WeEsStooPiddle Inc is an interesting group to meet with, since they consist of four persons who all periodically smell their armpits.
Their leader, a talking gluestick named Stapler, likes to play professional curling and clog.
Their second-in-command, George, a hairy hobo with a beard that trails all the way down to her knees, likes pizza and scaring little kids.
Their third is a Dwarf named Fimlu, who doesn't speak english, but communicates through a series of clicks and clacks that he makes by smashing two cocnuts together. As far as I can tell, no one knows what he's saying anywhy.
The last member is an invisible, deaf, and dumb dude named Sir Fizzlehoinkmenterman that Stapler likes talking to. George claims he's imaginary, but he must exist, since Stapler is the most sane person I've ever met. Just yesterday, while I was getting my four hundredth dollar, Stapler yelled, "LOOK OUT! A buggerbusser!" and threw himself and my right ear. After getting his glue part stuck to it, I decided that he must have actually seen whatever he was talking about, since George then yelled, "THOSE DON'T EXIST!" Since she doesn't believe in Sir FIzzlehoinkmenterman either, that confirms the Buggerbusser's existance, too.
They live in Atlantis, so whenever they want to see me, I sneak past Gregory and wait for them to come over the side of the boat. They always know where I am, which is a little freaky, but hey, when you're working for marketers, that's what you need to deal with.
So I gotta go now. Bye.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
HAHAHAHAHA!
I was just kidding! WeEsStooPiddle Inc doesn't exist! I made them up so you would forget I sold your email addresses! HAHAHAHA!
Unless you came all the way down here and read this part...
Then you KNOW...
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Advertising
Yo yo yo! You wanna pay me?
I DO!... want you to pay me, that is. SO, I bet you're wondering, 'How on earth can you pay me?' Well, I'll tell you. If you pay me, oh, I dunno, as much money as you're willing to pay me, I will mention your whatever in my blog! Almost free advertising!
Just email me at the email address up there^ and we'll talk. And an added benefit is that if you want me to advertise for you, I won't sell your email address to marketing companies like I do to all the others who email me with their horrible topics!
Ciao!
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
I DO!... want you to pay me, that is. SO, I bet you're wondering, 'How on earth can you pay me?' Well, I'll tell you. If you pay me, oh, I dunno, as much money as you're willing to pay me, I will mention your whatever in my blog! Almost free advertising!
Just email me at the email address up there^ and we'll talk. And an added benefit is that if you want me to advertise for you, I won't sell your email address to marketing companies like I do to all the others who email me with their horrible topics!
Ciao!
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Heros that have Strange powers that are very, very powerful.
You all know what I'm referring to in the title, since of what Marvel and DC had to do....
Anyway, I have a theory. A big theory dealing with the topic. And here we are:
"Any superhero has an equal and opposite supervillian."
Eh? EH? Think about it! Batman: Grim, dark, you know he's deadly. Joker: Happy, out-going, you don't know he's deadly. Its true with ANY superhero! Superman: Strong, 'Good-looking'*, and has superpowers. Lex Luthor: Weak, Bald, and doesn't have superpowers.
It's like a mystery! Why on earth is that? Why would two opposites hate each other so much? Opposites attract! I mean, look at Omar the Bold and I! We're good friends now, he doesn't hate me like he used to, and we're completely opposite!
Hold on, Gregory just told me to go do the dishes...
Hello. The person who is typing this sentence is Omar the Bold. Olaf is a LIAR! I HATE HIM! SO MUCH! WE ARE NOT FRIENDS! I don't know what his MALFUNCTION IS! As far as I can tell, he's not a robot, like I've been expecting, since I gave him a patdown for wires when we were "Hugging" (he's a little bit like Fighter from this comic.) Any way, we're are not friends like he said in the paragraph above. I just came up and wrote this while he's doing the dishes, so you don't believe his lies! I'm going to copy the above paragraphs below so he doesn't notice that I messed with his precious blog... not that he would notice anyway.
It's like a mystery! Why on earth is that? Why would two opposites hate each other so much? Opposites attract! I mean, look at Omar the Bold and I! We're good friends now, he doesn't hate me like he used to, and we're completely opposite!
Hold on, Gregory just told me to go do the dishes...
Yeah, that's pretty much I can think of today.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*I wouldn't know of personal opinion, but he always seemed to be able to get any chick he ever wanted, so you know...
Anyway, I have a theory. A big theory dealing with the topic. And here we are:
"Any superhero has an equal and opposite supervillian."
Eh? EH? Think about it! Batman: Grim, dark, you know he's deadly. Joker: Happy, out-going, you don't know he's deadly. Its true with ANY superhero! Superman: Strong, 'Good-looking'*, and has superpowers. Lex Luthor: Weak, Bald, and doesn't have superpowers.
It's like a mystery! Why on earth is that? Why would two opposites hate each other so much? Opposites attract! I mean, look at Omar the Bold and I! We're good friends now, he doesn't hate me like he used to, and we're completely opposite!
Hold on, Gregory just told me to go do the dishes...
Hello. The person who is typing this sentence is Omar the Bold. Olaf is a LIAR! I HATE HIM! SO MUCH! WE ARE NOT FRIENDS! I don't know what his MALFUNCTION IS! As far as I can tell, he's not a robot, like I've been expecting, since I gave him a patdown for wires when we were "Hugging" (he's a little bit like Fighter from this comic.) Any way, we're are not friends like he said in the paragraph above. I just came up and wrote this while he's doing the dishes, so you don't believe his lies! I'm going to copy the above paragraphs below so he doesn't notice that I messed with his precious blog... not that he would notice anyway.
It's like a mystery! Why on earth is that? Why would two opposites hate each other so much? Opposites attract! I mean, look at Omar the Bold and I! We're good friends now, he doesn't hate me like he used to, and we're completely opposite!
Hold on, Gregory just told me to go do the dishes...
Yeah, that's pretty much I can think of today.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*I wouldn't know of personal opinion, but he always seemed to be able to get any chick he ever wanted, so you know...
Monday, April 27, 2009
Wikipedia
So, I was wracking my brains for a topic to rant about today, when I suddenly had an epiphany: Let's hit the 'random page' button on Wikipedia and rant about that!
So I went to wikipedia and hit the button, and the first thing that popped up was this page.
Blech. Who wants to read that crap? All that series is is the Hardy Boys on some kind of femininizer drug. And even then, she has a hard time actually BEING FEMALE. She sounds male half the time, and the other half, she sounds way too female to actually exist. Not that I would know, since I don't read those books anyway. Oh, and each story's plot is roughly similiar to the prior story's plot. I mean, in like 15 books, there's some sort of plotline that's all like 'Someone died, and he's giving away an inheritance, oh, and the main protagonist, she finds some EVIL PLOT!' NOt that I would know, of course.
Disgusted, I hit the random page button again, and what popped up was this page.
Man, I don't know what half-brain-dead-monkey wrote this article. It's horrible, though I did know a little aout Don Quixote himself. It was one of the required readings in CVU, but I only got through a hundred and four un-skipped pages cause, man, that book is BORING! It is funny and refreshing at some parts, like the windmill part, which I learned later was the only reason it was required reading. But yeah. Boring.
Annoyed beyond all extremes, I hit the random page button for the last time, and this popped up.
Sounds like that title a few posts back, doesn't it? You really want another one of those? I don't. That post was a hecka hard to write, even though it was mostly blank space. What I really don't understand is why we classify so many different stuff likethis, cause then we just have to learn it. Like, how we have classified two different bird types as 'The red-chested Swallow' and 'The Red-Necked Swallow.' Seriously? THEY'RE LIKE EXACTLY THE SAME. But no, we have to name them differently. Why don't we just name all birds with brown and red feathers 'Birds with Brown and Red Feathers'? Why do we need to classify millions of birds that have brown and red feathers simply because they GREW THEM IN DIFFERENT PLACES? HORRIBLE!
Yeah, so as you can see, I'm never doing this Wikipedia crap ever again.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
So I went to wikipedia and hit the button, and the first thing that popped up was this page.
Blech. Who wants to read that crap? All that series is is the Hardy Boys on some kind of femininizer drug. And even then, she has a hard time actually BEING FEMALE. She sounds male half the time, and the other half, she sounds way too female to actually exist. Not that I would know, since I don't read those books anyway. Oh, and each story's plot is roughly similiar to the prior story's plot. I mean, in like 15 books, there's some sort of plotline that's all like 'Someone died, and he's giving away an inheritance, oh, and the main protagonist, she finds some EVIL PLOT!' NOt that I would know, of course.
Disgusted, I hit the random page button again, and what popped up was this page.
Man, I don't know what half-brain-dead-monkey wrote this article. It's horrible, though I did know a little aout Don Quixote himself. It was one of the required readings in CVU, but I only got through a hundred and four un-skipped pages cause, man, that book is BORING! It is funny and refreshing at some parts, like the windmill part, which I learned later was the only reason it was required reading. But yeah. Boring.
Annoyed beyond all extremes, I hit the random page button for the last time, and this popped up.
Sounds like that title a few posts back, doesn't it? You really want another one of those? I don't. That post was a hecka hard to write, even though it was mostly blank space. What I really don't understand is why we classify so many different stuff likethis, cause then we just have to learn it. Like, how we have classified two different bird types as 'The red-chested Swallow' and 'The Red-Necked Swallow.' Seriously? THEY'RE LIKE EXACTLY THE SAME. But no, we have to name them differently. Why don't we just name all birds with brown and red feathers 'Birds with Brown and Red Feathers'? Why do we need to classify millions of birds that have brown and red feathers simply because they GREW THEM IN DIFFERENT PLACES? HORRIBLE!
Yeah, so as you can see, I'm never doing this Wikipedia crap ever again.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Hot Stuff
Don't forget to suggest topics for Olaf the Bald to rant about!
With summer rapidly approaching, and temperatures risin', people are deperately trying to remember how to beat the heat. Here are some of the suggestions created all by little ol' me.
Cut off large layers of skin with a cuttin' device. This has two bonuses: One, there is less skin on you to feel the heat of the sun, and Two, you are so concentrated on the pain you forget about the heat.
With summer rapidly approaching, and temperatures risin', people are deperately trying to remember how to beat the heat. Here are some of the suggestions created all by little ol' me.
Cut off large layers of skin with a cuttin' device. This has two bonuses: One, there is less skin on you to feel the heat of the sun, and Two, you are so concentrated on the pain you forget about the heat.
You can also go out and kill a robot. When you take one of his arms and legs and prss it against parts of your body, the cool steel will feel that much more refreshing.
Another thing you can do is go out to a swampy area and lather yourself with mud. No, the mud itself won't cool you off. But if you start walking down a road (not a street), then tiny kids with wooden sticks will come and start to 'Beat off the monster.' The downswings of their blows will greatly cool you off.
The absolutely BEST thing to do is go fight a bunch of Firemen. Getting blasted by 250 pounds of water is a great cool off. And, when you're done destroying them, you get to pretend to be Darth Vader with their masks. That's ex-TREMELY fun.
Ciao, I'm in the mood for some Firemen masks now.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Service Work
Man, I hate doing service work.
"But it helps out the poor people who can't do stuff themselves!" You exclaim.
Yeah, what did YOU do today? Sat around watching TV? If you think its so great, then YOU trade places with me.
Why did Vikings do some service work, you may ask. When an old, stupid amazon lady is threatening you with three blow-darts pointed at each of your chests, you gotta go with it.
Too tired to blog today. Sorry bout the lameness.
Lame lame lame da-lame lame.
I would suggest you ask for your money back, but you don't pay me, so HA!
...
Do you wanna pay me?
If so, then send some money my way.
Not that vikings use money, of course, but hey... Killing people for their possessions isn't EVERY-thing.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
"But it helps out the poor people who can't do stuff themselves!" You exclaim.
Yeah, what did YOU do today? Sat around watching TV? If you think its so great, then YOU trade places with me.
Why did Vikings do some service work, you may ask. When an old, stupid amazon lady is threatening you with three blow-darts pointed at each of your chests, you gotta go with it.
Too tired to blog today. Sorry bout the lameness.
Lame lame lame da-lame lame.
I would suggest you ask for your money back, but you don't pay me, so HA!
...
Do you wanna pay me?
If so, then send some money my way.
Not that vikings use money, of course, but hey... Killing people for their possessions isn't EVERY-thing.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Friday, April 24, 2009
Etroplus maculatus
Don't forget to suggest topics for Olaf to rant about!
Hoo boy. I've just been diagnosed with a horrible disease.
Can you guess what it is? I'll give you a few seconds to guess.
How bout now! You know what it is now? I'll give you a few more seconds.
Doo doo doo (giving you a few more seconds song) do dododo ding dong!
I bet you have it by now. So, here's how to play this game: write down what you think the disease is on a piece of paper, so you can't cheat and say, "Oh yeah that's exactly what I thought it was." Write down your answer with confidence and as proof.
Ok, ready? Scroll down to the bottom of the blank space to find out if you're right!
It's Insomnia*!
Yeah, I totally fall asleep all the time everywhere. Gregory the Hairy keeps getting mad at me for falling asleep, even while I'm fighting off our enemies, though I'm an excellent sleep-fighter.**
Anyone got any suggestions to keep from falling alseep randomly?
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*I bet you all thought it was Etroplus maculatus. Well, guess what? That's the name of a fish, and I thought it sounded cool. So I put it as my title, then came up with a topic. Seriously, just try to say it. It takes me like, ten whole minutes to say it. It's like a tongue twister. And then, it takes me like, twenty-three whole minutes to type! I've spent 56 minutes on this one post if you count the title, simply because it took forty-six minutes for me to type Etroplus macultus twice alone. Now I've spent one-hundred and six minutes typing this blog.
**I'm a really bad street fighter, though. That's just for clarification, so as not to get you confused. I think I have roaotconflitertoberculophobia, which is fear of street-fighting. Any time I get anywhere near a street, I run away screaming, and wake up from a coma ten days later. No-one knows why I do this. So, if I can't go near streets, I'm a pretty much useless street fighter. But, boulevard-, avenue-, road-, court-, or dead-end-fighter? I'm awesome.
Hoo boy. I've just been diagnosed with a horrible disease.
Can you guess what it is? I'll give you a few seconds to guess.
How bout now! You know what it is now? I'll give you a few more seconds.
Doo doo doo (giving you a few more seconds song) do dododo ding dong!
I bet you have it by now. So, here's how to play this game: write down what you think the disease is on a piece of paper, so you can't cheat and say, "Oh yeah that's exactly what I thought it was." Write down your answer with confidence and as proof.
Ok, ready? Scroll down to the bottom of the blank space to find out if you're right!
It's Insomnia*!
Yeah, I totally fall asleep all the time everywhere. Gregory the Hairy keeps getting mad at me for falling asleep, even while I'm fighting off our enemies, though I'm an excellent sleep-fighter.**
Anyone got any suggestions to keep from falling alseep randomly?
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*I bet you all thought it was Etroplus maculatus. Well, guess what? That's the name of a fish, and I thought it sounded cool. So I put it as my title, then came up with a topic. Seriously, just try to say it. It takes me like, ten whole minutes to say it. It's like a tongue twister. And then, it takes me like, twenty-three whole minutes to type! I've spent 56 minutes on this one post if you count the title, simply because it took forty-six minutes for me to type Etroplus macultus twice alone. Now I've spent one-hundred and six minutes typing this blog.
**I'm a really bad street fighter, though. That's just for clarification, so as not to get you confused. I think I have roaotconflitertoberculophobia, which is fear of street-fighting. Any time I get anywhere near a street, I run away screaming, and wake up from a coma ten days later. No-one knows why I do this. So, if I can't go near streets, I'm a pretty much useless street fighter. But, boulevard-, avenue-, road-, court-, or dead-end-fighter? I'm awesome.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Apocalypse
Don't forget to suggest to Olaf topics to rant about!
Vikings believe in the apocalypse. Its true. The world as we know it will end. Oh, trust me, we don't believe in 'EVERYBODY DIES!' We believe that a new order will be formed. And we vikings are gonna be at the top of it.
It doesn't matter how much preparations all you posers do, if you're destined to die, you're going to die. How do we know all this? Well, I'll tell you.
About twenty years ago, there was a student under Leif the Armless' tutelage who had earned the nickname "Larry the McLiar Pants." This kid was a full-blown, chronic liar. Anyone who knew him (I didn't, but Gregory the Hairy did, and he's told me the story) disbelieved anything he said. If he had said, "The sky is green," Everyone would look up to make sure the sky was actually green like its supposed to be.*
One day, Larry said that he had been possesed by a benevolent spirit that had taught him never to lie again, and when it wanted to speak, his voice would change into a high-pitched voice. All the other vikings laughed at him, thinking he was lying like normal. Suddenly, Larry started speaking in a high-pitched voice! All the vikings realized that Larry actually HAD
been possessed by a benevolent spirit. Larry, in his high-pitched voice, said, "The apocalypse is coming. It will happen in 2012. Everyone who is destined to die will die. No vikings will die." The next thing everyone knew, Larry had been struck by lightning. He died.
That is vikings' proof that we shall survive and live and everything ese through the apocalypse, while all you other suckers won't. I mean, have any of YOU had a benevolent spirit possess one of YOU? I think not.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*The sky is green. Yes, I know you're thinking that its blue, but its not. Its a trick your eyes are playing on you. If you do what vikings do to make sure they see everything the way it actually is, then you will see that the sky is truly green. What you need to do is take two needles, hold them up to your eyeballs, and say aloud "If you don't stop tricking me, eyeballs, then i'll stab you till you're dead!" You eyes should readjust to show everything the way it actually is, like how the sky is green not blue. If your eyes don't adjust, then you need to stab your eyeballs until they're dead, since they obviously can't be trusted.
Vikings believe in the apocalypse. Its true. The world as we know it will end. Oh, trust me, we don't believe in 'EVERYBODY DIES!' We believe that a new order will be formed. And we vikings are gonna be at the top of it.
It doesn't matter how much preparations all you posers do, if you're destined to die, you're going to die. How do we know all this? Well, I'll tell you.
About twenty years ago, there was a student under Leif the Armless' tutelage who had earned the nickname "Larry the McLiar Pants." This kid was a full-blown, chronic liar. Anyone who knew him (I didn't, but Gregory the Hairy did, and he's told me the story) disbelieved anything he said. If he had said, "The sky is green," Everyone would look up to make sure the sky was actually green like its supposed to be.*
One day, Larry said that he had been possesed by a benevolent spirit that had taught him never to lie again, and when it wanted to speak, his voice would change into a high-pitched voice. All the other vikings laughed at him, thinking he was lying like normal. Suddenly, Larry started speaking in a high-pitched voice! All the vikings realized that Larry actually HAD
been possessed by a benevolent spirit. Larry, in his high-pitched voice, said, "The apocalypse is coming. It will happen in 2012. Everyone who is destined to die will die. No vikings will die." The next thing everyone knew, Larry had been struck by lightning. He died.
That is vikings' proof that we shall survive and live and everything ese through the apocalypse, while all you other suckers won't. I mean, have any of YOU had a benevolent spirit possess one of YOU? I think not.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*The sky is green. Yes, I know you're thinking that its blue, but its not. Its a trick your eyes are playing on you. If you do what vikings do to make sure they see everything the way it actually is, then you will see that the sky is truly green. What you need to do is take two needles, hold them up to your eyeballs, and say aloud "If you don't stop tricking me, eyeballs, then i'll stab you till you're dead!" You eyes should readjust to show everything the way it actually is, like how the sky is green not blue. If your eyes don't adjust, then you need to stab your eyeballs until they're dead, since they obviously can't be trusted.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Modern 2: Attack of the Urbanites
Don't forget to suggest topics for Olaf to rant about!
Topic for today suggested by CougarMan.
Viking ships don't have stuff like GPSs. What kind of drugs are you on?
There ARE navigation tools that are essential for every ship, viking or not, though vikings came up with the ideas first. Pirates made the methods more famous, but credit needs to be given where credit is due.
If you are lost, here are some ideas:
1.) Bring a nuke with you on the boat. If you get hopelessly lost, set the nuke for as long a time as it takes you to swim half-a-mile, and then swim for half-mile. The resulting explosion will draw soldiers and rescue boats from every major and minor superpower in the world, enabling you to be rescued.
2.) If you come across another boat, ask for directions. Since they will most likely be false, kill everyone on board and wait for their families or whatnot at their home to wonder where they are. Soon, rescue boats will come. Sneak aboard one of the rescue boats and disguise yourself as a rat, like all vikings can do. Soon you'll be on your way home.
3.) Bring a seal in a cage. When you get lost, start abusing it. Within a matter of seconds, you will be under attack from PETA agents. Kill all of the agents but one. Question him where to go, and if he refuses, throw him in the cage with the abused seal. After the angry seal finishes beating him up, he should tell you where to go, and he will also swear never to care about seals ever again, an added bonus.
4.) Bring something covered with blood and drag it in the water behind you. Soon, dolphins will start following the boat. You will know if this worked if you see the tell-tale dorsal fins behind you. If you get lost, sink the boat, and the dolphins that have been following you will be more than happy to give you a ride.
5.) Bring a copy of a March of the Penguins DVD and have your entire crew watch it when you get lost. Soon, you all will be asleep, and when you wake up, you will ax the TV, look outside, and be exactly where you need to be.
That's all off the top of my head.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Topic for today suggested by CougarMan.
Viking ships don't have stuff like GPSs. What kind of drugs are you on?
There ARE navigation tools that are essential for every ship, viking or not, though vikings came up with the ideas first. Pirates made the methods more famous, but credit needs to be given where credit is due.
If you are lost, here are some ideas:
1.) Bring a nuke with you on the boat. If you get hopelessly lost, set the nuke for as long a time as it takes you to swim half-a-mile, and then swim for half-mile. The resulting explosion will draw soldiers and rescue boats from every major and minor superpower in the world, enabling you to be rescued.
2.) If you come across another boat, ask for directions. Since they will most likely be false, kill everyone on board and wait for their families or whatnot at their home to wonder where they are. Soon, rescue boats will come. Sneak aboard one of the rescue boats and disguise yourself as a rat, like all vikings can do. Soon you'll be on your way home.
3.) Bring a seal in a cage. When you get lost, start abusing it. Within a matter of seconds, you will be under attack from PETA agents. Kill all of the agents but one. Question him where to go, and if he refuses, throw him in the cage with the abused seal. After the angry seal finishes beating him up, he should tell you where to go, and he will also swear never to care about seals ever again, an added bonus.
4.) Bring something covered with blood and drag it in the water behind you. Soon, dolphins will start following the boat. You will know if this worked if you see the tell-tale dorsal fins behind you. If you get lost, sink the boat, and the dolphins that have been following you will be more than happy to give you a ride.
5.) Bring a copy of a March of the Penguins DVD and have your entire crew watch it when you get lost. Soon, you all will be asleep, and when you wake up, you will ax the TV, look outside, and be exactly where you need to be.
That's all off the top of my head.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Avoiding
Don't forget to suggest topics for Olaf to rant about!
Sometimes, you get separated from your crew and find your self being hunted by your enemies. There's a few ways to avoid being caught, and all of them are on a need-to-know basis. You need to know, in case you were wondering.
The first thing you need to consider is what environment you're in. The main five environments that everyone traverses in every day are Urban, Forest, Desert, Mountain, and Fire.
URBAN: When you're escaping from enemies in the urban area, don't run in the middle of the street, like all urban chase scenes in movies end up ending in. Stick to backyards and fences. If you need to throw the chasers off your trail, throw rocks into windows as you run, but make sure the holes are big enough that you could slip into. That way, if someone like a Ninja comes along the path you went, they see the broken window and think Oh, he must be in there. If you need to escape this environment, hijack a car. Most people don't mind when you hijack their car, especially if you ask to hijack their car politely. So remember: When hijacking a car, say please and thank you.
FOREST: Forests are the most untamed parts of the world. You could be having a pleasant stroll through the forest when a hole opens up underneath you and you end up riding a slide into the middle of the earth where cloud-like people named Dornabies live. Though finding one of those holes might help you escape from your enemy that is currently chasing you through the Forest, Dornabies are more trouble than they are worth. Trust me. What you really want to do is run up to a willow tree, shout the magic song, and let yourself in.
DESERT: Make like a frog and bury yourself in the sand.
MOUNTAIN: These things are annoying to try and avoid your enemies in. My best advice is to start as many avalanches and rockslides going behind you while avoiding starting ones above your head. There's not been a real conclusive research gone into exactly about how to do that, since most of the researchers working on that have died from improbable causes, like getting hit by an avalanche or rockslide. If you find a cave in the mountains, don't go in, but make a fire right on the outside. Then hide right above the entrance. When your enemy finds the fire, he'll go in, wondering if you went in. That's when you start jumping up and down on top of the entrance. If you time your jumps right, then the entire cave will collapse. If it doesn't, I'm sorry. If you are then killed by your enemy, I would recommend coming to me and asking for your money back, since my methods didn't work.
FIRE: Oh, man, this is easy. Join the Weapon X supersoldier program, get alloy adamantium grafted to your skeleton, and jump right into the next pit of lava you see. Its an utterly painful process (What's you think, I would say painless?), but its worth it, especially if you end up seeing your aforementioned Ninja enemy flail around like Gollum in the lava. Its especially priceless if you get the ninja on videotape with you doing the voice over: "My PREEEECIOUSSS...."
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Sometimes, you get separated from your crew and find your self being hunted by your enemies. There's a few ways to avoid being caught, and all of them are on a need-to-know basis. You need to know, in case you were wondering.
The first thing you need to consider is what environment you're in. The main five environments that everyone traverses in every day are Urban, Forest, Desert, Mountain, and Fire.
URBAN: When you're escaping from enemies in the urban area, don't run in the middle of the street, like all urban chase scenes in movies end up ending in. Stick to backyards and fences. If you need to throw the chasers off your trail, throw rocks into windows as you run, but make sure the holes are big enough that you could slip into. That way, if someone like a Ninja comes along the path you went, they see the broken window and think Oh, he must be in there. If you need to escape this environment, hijack a car. Most people don't mind when you hijack their car, especially if you ask to hijack their car politely. So remember: When hijacking a car, say please and thank you.
FOREST: Forests are the most untamed parts of the world. You could be having a pleasant stroll through the forest when a hole opens up underneath you and you end up riding a slide into the middle of the earth where cloud-like people named Dornabies live. Though finding one of those holes might help you escape from your enemy that is currently chasing you through the Forest, Dornabies are more trouble than they are worth. Trust me. What you really want to do is run up to a willow tree, shout the magic song, and let yourself in.
DESERT: Make like a frog and bury yourself in the sand.
MOUNTAIN: These things are annoying to try and avoid your enemies in. My best advice is to start as many avalanches and rockslides going behind you while avoiding starting ones above your head. There's not been a real conclusive research gone into exactly about how to do that, since most of the researchers working on that have died from improbable causes, like getting hit by an avalanche or rockslide. If you find a cave in the mountains, don't go in, but make a fire right on the outside. Then hide right above the entrance. When your enemy finds the fire, he'll go in, wondering if you went in. That's when you start jumping up and down on top of the entrance. If you time your jumps right, then the entire cave will collapse. If it doesn't, I'm sorry. If you are then killed by your enemy, I would recommend coming to me and asking for your money back, since my methods didn't work.
FIRE: Oh, man, this is easy. Join the Weapon X supersoldier program, get alloy adamantium grafted to your skeleton, and jump right into the next pit of lava you see. Its an utterly painful process (What's you think, I would say painless?), but its worth it, especially if you end up seeing your aforementioned Ninja enemy flail around like Gollum in the lava. Its especially priceless if you get the ninja on videotape with you doing the voice over: "My PREEEECIOUSSS...."
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Anecdotes
Don't forget to suggest to Olaf what to rant about!
You know what I've noticed as I've looked over the last few posts? They're full of pointless anecdotes and nonsensical junk that doesn't apply to you at all. Nothing that will actually help you Almost-Vikings become real, full-blown Vikings. So here's some advice that you Almost-Vikings need.
Hmmm... what I just wrote reminds me of a story. It was when I was a child, right before Ninja Joe killed off my family ('Origin of my Origin' post in April 08'). I was out walking in the many forests that surrounded my home, when....
NO NO! I can't start on Anecdotes! Real advice you can use! Ok, the first thing you need to remember is that Robots usually have some sort of off-switch.
Dude, that reminds me of when I was sent on a covert mission into a robot factory. I was sneaking along, crawling right below the robots' sensors, when an alarm started going off. The robots...
Stoppit! I need to stop telling you anecdotes! It doesn't help you any! Ok, let's see... Some top Viking scientists have a theory to killing a Samurai without its ghost killing you. Something about pouring a special substance on the corpse. I'm 95% positive that the substance is...
That reminds me, I was the only one awak on the Bloodhound a week ago when a Samurai jumped out of the water onto the boat. He yelled, "YOU HAVE NO HONOR!" and tried to get me to fight me. I was dodging his attacks using my Wildanceamancer attack when...
ARGH! I gotta stop slipping into anecdotes!
Oh yeah, that reminds me of when Gregory the Hairy was dancing on top of George the Yellow...
Oh, forget it. I'll never stop telling Anecdotes.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
You know what I've noticed as I've looked over the last few posts? They're full of pointless anecdotes and nonsensical junk that doesn't apply to you at all. Nothing that will actually help you Almost-Vikings become real, full-blown Vikings. So here's some advice that you Almost-Vikings need.
Hmmm... what I just wrote reminds me of a story. It was when I was a child, right before Ninja Joe killed off my family ('Origin of my Origin' post in April 08'). I was out walking in the many forests that surrounded my home, when....
NO NO! I can't start on Anecdotes! Real advice you can use! Ok, the first thing you need to remember is that Robots usually have some sort of off-switch.
Dude, that reminds me of when I was sent on a covert mission into a robot factory. I was sneaking along, crawling right below the robots' sensors, when an alarm started going off. The robots...
Stoppit! I need to stop telling you anecdotes! It doesn't help you any! Ok, let's see... Some top Viking scientists have a theory to killing a Samurai without its ghost killing you. Something about pouring a special substance on the corpse. I'm 95% positive that the substance is...
That reminds me, I was the only one awak on the Bloodhound a week ago when a Samurai jumped out of the water onto the boat. He yelled, "YOU HAVE NO HONOR!" and tried to get me to fight me. I was dodging his attacks using my Wildanceamancer attack when...
ARGH! I gotta stop slipping into anecdotes!
Oh yeah, that reminds me of when Gregory the Hairy was dancing on top of George the Yellow...
Oh, forget it. I'll never stop telling Anecdotes.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Rastlin'
Don't forget to suggest topics for Olaf to rant about!
Yesterday, I got into a big wrestling match with Phil the Conceited. It all started when he threw a rock at the back of my second-best helmet. If you read yesterday's post, then you know that my BEST helmet got sold on eBay, by old Phil himself. I whipped around to glare at Phil. Phil pointed at Erik the Noisy, who was jabbering on his cell phone, with an expression that clearly read "He did it." I ignored both of them and continued beating on a clown. A few seconds later, I heard a whistling sound, turned, and got hit right in the face with a rock. Phil was still in his follow-through swing. Realizing I had seen him, Phil innocently pointed at Erik again. I picked up a rock and chucked it into Phil's gut.
"Hey, Erik threw it, not me!" Phil exclaimed.
"I saw you throw it, you freakin' liar!" I yelled back.
Phil held up his hands in mock surrender. I turned back to the clown and continued smacking him around. Two seconds later, a rock hit me in the back. It stung. Bad.
I whipped around, dropping the clown. "STOP THROWING ROCKS AT ME!" I screamed.
"I'm not!" Phil yelled back.
Pulling a few more rocks off the ground, I started running at him, chucking rocks as I ran. "you LIE!" I screamed.
Phil picked up a few more rocks as well and started throwing rocks back at me as well. Soon, I had chased him a good hundred yards away from the rest of the crew. I turned and began to walk back to find another clown to beat. Next thing I knew, Phil had jumped on me from behind and started pushing me to the ground.
"Oh, we wrestling now?" I calmly asked as my face got pushed into some dirt.
"Ya THINK?" Phil yelled in an uncommon show of good sarcasm.
Soon, the entire crew was gathered around us, ignoring the few clowns that were running for their lives who had survived the crew's deadly attack. I humored Phil, allowing him to throw me ever whichway he pleased. For whatever reason, his amnosity toward me was pretty deadly, so I was content to let him wrestle me until his anger was gone.
Members of the crew, who had all seen me and Phil wrestle before, soon noticed I was falling asleep or just chillin' while Phil struggled to turn me somewhere he wanted. Gregory the Hairy, tired of watching the wrestling match not getting anywhere, yelled "Olaf, give 'im a wedgie!"
"Aw, but that's cheap!" I cried.
"So? He'll quit when you give him good one!" Gregory called back.
"Naw..." I stoically refused. Suddenly, the next thing I knew, Phil's hand had found my boxers and were pulling them as hard as he could. Luckily for me, I had worn my kick-butt, red, plaid, anti-wedgie boxers that day. Unluckily for him, he had no such underpants.
Figuring that if he was going to result to cheap stuff, I resulted to cheap stuff as well. Grabbing his boxers, I pulled a good deal harder than he did, but that was mainly because he can't pull as hard me. A loud RIIIIIPPP! was heard, and Phil started yelling "Aw, no dude, stop! That's gay! I like these boxers! That's really gay! Aw, dude!" I ignored the hypocrite and continued pulling. Laughter amongst our crewmates was heard.
"HAW HAW! Yeah, Olaf, that's the only pair of underwear he has!" Someone yelled.
"Wait, I only have one pair of boxers..." Another person said.
Everyone got quiet. Suddenly, the Omar the Bold stepped onto the deck of the Bloodhound and rang the luch bell.
Dingle dingle!
Every Viking bolted for the ship, leaving Phil and I behind. I was hungry as well, so I shook Phil off and ran for the ship as well.
Around the dinner table, everyone got into an argument with Phil, as he was loudly talking about how "Olaf wedgied first." Little did he know I spit in his sandwich...
We're cool now, in case you were wondering. And no, he doesn't know bout the spitting.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Yesterday, I got into a big wrestling match with Phil the Conceited. It all started when he threw a rock at the back of my second-best helmet. If you read yesterday's post, then you know that my BEST helmet got sold on eBay, by old Phil himself. I whipped around to glare at Phil. Phil pointed at Erik the Noisy, who was jabbering on his cell phone, with an expression that clearly read "He did it." I ignored both of them and continued beating on a clown. A few seconds later, I heard a whistling sound, turned, and got hit right in the face with a rock. Phil was still in his follow-through swing. Realizing I had seen him, Phil innocently pointed at Erik again. I picked up a rock and chucked it into Phil's gut.
"Hey, Erik threw it, not me!" Phil exclaimed.
"I saw you throw it, you freakin' liar!" I yelled back.
Phil held up his hands in mock surrender. I turned back to the clown and continued smacking him around. Two seconds later, a rock hit me in the back. It stung. Bad.
I whipped around, dropping the clown. "STOP THROWING ROCKS AT ME!" I screamed.
"I'm not!" Phil yelled back.
Pulling a few more rocks off the ground, I started running at him, chucking rocks as I ran. "you LIE!" I screamed.
Phil picked up a few more rocks as well and started throwing rocks back at me as well. Soon, I had chased him a good hundred yards away from the rest of the crew. I turned and began to walk back to find another clown to beat. Next thing I knew, Phil had jumped on me from behind and started pushing me to the ground.
"Oh, we wrestling now?" I calmly asked as my face got pushed into some dirt.
"Ya THINK?" Phil yelled in an uncommon show of good sarcasm.
Soon, the entire crew was gathered around us, ignoring the few clowns that were running for their lives who had survived the crew's deadly attack. I humored Phil, allowing him to throw me ever whichway he pleased. For whatever reason, his amnosity toward me was pretty deadly, so I was content to let him wrestle me until his anger was gone.
Members of the crew, who had all seen me and Phil wrestle before, soon noticed I was falling asleep or just chillin' while Phil struggled to turn me somewhere he wanted. Gregory the Hairy, tired of watching the wrestling match not getting anywhere, yelled "Olaf, give 'im a wedgie!"
"Aw, but that's cheap!" I cried.
"So? He'll quit when you give him good one!" Gregory called back.
"Naw..." I stoically refused. Suddenly, the next thing I knew, Phil's hand had found my boxers and were pulling them as hard as he could. Luckily for me, I had worn my kick-butt, red, plaid, anti-wedgie boxers that day. Unluckily for him, he had no such underpants.
Figuring that if he was going to result to cheap stuff, I resulted to cheap stuff as well. Grabbing his boxers, I pulled a good deal harder than he did, but that was mainly because he can't pull as hard me. A loud RIIIIIPPP! was heard, and Phil started yelling "Aw, no dude, stop! That's gay! I like these boxers! That's really gay! Aw, dude!" I ignored the hypocrite and continued pulling. Laughter amongst our crewmates was heard.
"HAW HAW! Yeah, Olaf, that's the only pair of underwear he has!" Someone yelled.
"Wait, I only have one pair of boxers..." Another person said.
Everyone got quiet. Suddenly, the Omar the Bold stepped onto the deck of the Bloodhound and rang the luch bell.
Dingle dingle!
Every Viking bolted for the ship, leaving Phil and I behind. I was hungry as well, so I shook Phil off and ran for the ship as well.
Around the dinner table, everyone got into an argument with Phil, as he was loudly talking about how "Olaf wedgied first." Little did he know I spit in his sandwich...
We're cool now, in case you were wondering. And no, he doesn't know bout the spitting.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Online Auction Sites
Don't forget to send Olaf topics for him to rant about!
Topic suggested by CougarMan.
Man, I HATE sites like eBay. You know why? Because NOTHING IS SAFE. ANYMORE.
For example, just yesterday, my best helmet went missing. I started going around and askin' people if they'd seen it. When I met up with George the Yellow, he nervously looked at me.
"What do you want?" he trembled.
"Have you seen my helmet?" I bellowed.
Shrieking, George toppled over backward and landed in the water. I yelled "MAN OVERBOARD," and continued my search, since that was a customary response from George.
When I asked Phil the Conceited, he merely sniffed and said, "Yeah."
"Really? Where is it?" I asked excitedly.
"I sold it on eBay." He replied offhandedly.
"WHAT?!" I yelled in anger. "Why did you do that?"
"I needed some cash for some Headrest Polish." Phil answered.
"How much did you get?" I asked curiously.
"Around ten bucks." Phil said.
"WHAT?!" I yelled in anger. "I bought it for fifty!"
"I also sold your shirts, your favorite pair of underwear, your My Little Pony collection, and your left boot."
At that point, I attempted to strangle Phil, but Gregory the Hairy stepped in. He's been annoying like that ever since yesterday.
I hate OAS.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Topic suggested by CougarMan.
Man, I HATE sites like eBay. You know why? Because NOTHING IS SAFE. ANYMORE.
For example, just yesterday, my best helmet went missing. I started going around and askin' people if they'd seen it. When I met up with George the Yellow, he nervously looked at me.
"What do you want?" he trembled.
"Have you seen my helmet?" I bellowed.
Shrieking, George toppled over backward and landed in the water. I yelled "MAN OVERBOARD," and continued my search, since that was a customary response from George.
When I asked Phil the Conceited, he merely sniffed and said, "Yeah."
"Really? Where is it?" I asked excitedly.
"I sold it on eBay." He replied offhandedly.
"WHAT?!" I yelled in anger. "Why did you do that?"
"I needed some cash for some Headrest Polish." Phil answered.
"How much did you get?" I asked curiously.
"Around ten bucks." Phil said.
"WHAT?!" I yelled in anger. "I bought it for fifty!"
"I also sold your shirts, your favorite pair of underwear, your My Little Pony collection, and your left boot."
At that point, I attempted to strangle Phil, but Gregory the Hairy stepped in. He's been annoying like that ever since yesterday.
I hate OAS.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Friday, April 17, 2009
ETC.
Don't forget to suggest topics for Olaf the rant about!
Topic suggested by Dhruv the Mittal.
Yeah. Et cetera. That's what I assume. Mister Dhruv here had suggested evey single topic I could ever wish for. Well, guess what? GOOD FOR HIM!
Why isn't any other single tootin' Almost-Viking suggestin' topics? I'm so LONELY! HERE! AT MY! BLOGGING POST!
SO. Et cetera. And so on and so on. Continuing. Keep going. Yeah.
*Sigh*
Its my body odor, isn't it? THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T READ MY POSTS! THAT'S WHY!
Oh yeah... Et Cetera. Keep going. Gotta keep talking. Forever and ever and ever. So a random talking session. That's what Dhruv suggested, saying 'ETC'. HOW DUMB IS THAT? What sort of crackheads read this crap? MY WHOLE LIFE IS POINTLESS!
POINTLESS I SAY!
I'm going to go polish my Nun-Chucks.
Four Hours Later....
Polished! Has anyone new checked out my blog?
No?
GARAH!
I'm gonna go polish my battleax.
Six Hours Later...
Please read my blog. I can't even polish my battleax anymore, since I accidentally dropped it on Gregory the Hairy's foot. I only have enough time to type in a few letters before... OH NO!
osafdkjad
dhsaf
asdofpadsf
dfa'dsf
a ff a s
d
a
a fa
]sdf asffjaskd;fpoiaewypowqahf f8
Hello. This is Gregory the Hairy. I was nearly renamed 'Gregory the Footless' today. Olaf's blog is going to be shut down in 5... 4... wait, Olaf, NO NUN-CHUCKS!
dsalkfhwqoei sd\sadf ads
fas df
as dfas
dfjsadkfas;df a
DSf
as dfasfd340295324
t
t
34jdfs' na
e
April 17, 2009, 5:18 PM
As recorded by Soren, the Hard-of-Hearing-Scribe:
Olaf and Gregory got into an epic battle today. Luckily, no-one except Omar the Bold was hurt, but its just Omar the Bold... Who cares? The random letters were of them fighting over the laptop. All is ok on the Bloodhound.
Good day!
Soren the HAAAAARD-OOOOOF-HEEEEEAAAAARING-SCRIIIIIBE!
....
....
....
I got the Laptop back. I've leaving FORVER! Except I'll be back tomorrow.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Topic suggested by Dhruv the Mittal.
Yeah. Et cetera. That's what I assume. Mister Dhruv here had suggested evey single topic I could ever wish for. Well, guess what? GOOD FOR HIM!
Why isn't any other single tootin' Almost-Viking suggestin' topics? I'm so LONELY! HERE! AT MY! BLOGGING POST!
SO. Et cetera. And so on and so on. Continuing. Keep going. Yeah.
*Sigh*
Its my body odor, isn't it? THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T READ MY POSTS! THAT'S WHY!
Oh yeah... Et Cetera. Keep going. Gotta keep talking. Forever and ever and ever. So a random talking session. That's what Dhruv suggested, saying 'ETC'. HOW DUMB IS THAT? What sort of crackheads read this crap? MY WHOLE LIFE IS POINTLESS!
POINTLESS I SAY!
I'm going to go polish my Nun-Chucks.
Four Hours Later....
Polished! Has anyone new checked out my blog?
No?
GARAH!
I'm gonna go polish my battleax.
Six Hours Later...
Please read my blog. I can't even polish my battleax anymore, since I accidentally dropped it on Gregory the Hairy's foot. I only have enough time to type in a few letters before... OH NO!
osafdkjad
dhsaf
asdofpadsf
dfa'dsf
a ff a s
d
a
a fa
]sdf asffjaskd;fpoiaewypowqahf f8
Hello. This is Gregory the Hairy. I was nearly renamed 'Gregory the Footless' today. Olaf's blog is going to be shut down in 5... 4... wait, Olaf, NO NUN-CHUCKS!
dsalkfhwqoei sd\sadf ads
fas df
as dfas
dfjsadkfas;df a
DSf
as dfasfd340295324
t
t
34jdfs' na
e
April 17, 2009, 5:18 PM
As recorded by Soren, the Hard-of-Hearing-Scribe:
Olaf and Gregory got into an epic battle today. Luckily, no-one except Omar the Bold was hurt, but its just Omar the Bold... Who cares? The random letters were of them fighting over the laptop. All is ok on the Bloodhound.
Good day!
Soren the HAAAAARD-OOOOOF-HEEEEEAAAAARING-SCRIIIIIBE!
....
....
....
I got the Laptop back. I've leaving FORVER! Except I'll be back tomorrow.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Leeches
Don't forget to suggest to Olaf what topics to rant about!
Topic for today suggested by Dhruv the Mittal.
Leeches. I've eaten a few. Leeches are actually a Viking delicacy. I mean, seriously! When you walk through a swamp and have to pick leeches off, whats the use of just throwing them back where they came from? Just suck that sucker up! Its good! Trust me!
If you're the type of person who wants to save leeches to cook later, then here's some cooking tips:
Baked Leech: Throw your leech on a baker, watch him run around screaming, he'll refuse to want to touch an unwashed leech, start to steam up in anger, the leech cooks while trying to eat his blood, he falls off, and you pick up the freshly baked leech and eat it. Yum!
Grilled Leech: Stick your leech on a grill. If it looks like its not big enough to lay across the slats, throw the leech onto a baker, and then throw the baker into the grill, leech-side down. He'll come out whooping and hollering, with your leech readily grilled.
Fried Leech: Come on, you know this one!
Boiled Leech: I don't reccomend this one unless you're making a stew, cuz when a leech is stewed, it sorta falls apart. Ew.
The last thing you need to remember about eating leeches is to NEVER, NEVER, EVER let one start eating the inside of your throat as you swallow. The only way to get a leech out of your throat while its sucking your blood is to drink some gasoline, and light the inside of your mouth on fire. Not a pretty sight, on any account.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Topic for today suggested by Dhruv the Mittal.
Leeches. I've eaten a few. Leeches are actually a Viking delicacy. I mean, seriously! When you walk through a swamp and have to pick leeches off, whats the use of just throwing them back where they came from? Just suck that sucker up! Its good! Trust me!
If you're the type of person who wants to save leeches to cook later, then here's some cooking tips:
Baked Leech: Throw your leech on a baker, watch him run around screaming, he'll refuse to want to touch an unwashed leech, start to steam up in anger, the leech cooks while trying to eat his blood, he falls off, and you pick up the freshly baked leech and eat it. Yum!
Grilled Leech: Stick your leech on a grill. If it looks like its not big enough to lay across the slats, throw the leech onto a baker, and then throw the baker into the grill, leech-side down. He'll come out whooping and hollering, with your leech readily grilled.
Fried Leech: Come on, you know this one!
Boiled Leech: I don't reccomend this one unless you're making a stew, cuz when a leech is stewed, it sorta falls apart. Ew.
The last thing you need to remember about eating leeches is to NEVER, NEVER, EVER let one start eating the inside of your throat as you swallow. The only way to get a leech out of your throat while its sucking your blood is to drink some gasoline, and light the inside of your mouth on fire. Not a pretty sight, on any account.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Freshman Year
Don't forget, post a comment for Olaf suggesting topics for what he can write about!
Topic for today suggested by Dhruv Mittal.
AH, my Freshman year in CVU was one to remember! Everything about it was awesome!
The very first day, I walked in and was stopped by a group of viking seniors. "Hey, dogmeat," The smallest one said, "I'ma thinkin you should leave." "Yeah, sharkbait," The middlin' one said. "Freshers shouldn't be walkin' around without a teddy bear to keep them company." "And freshers...." The largest one said, grabbing me by my head and lifting him up to his eye level, a solid eight feet off the ground, "should mind their own beeswax."
"Can I say something?" I gasped.
"Go on, say anything you want!" The middlin' one sneered.
Still dangling by my head, I slowly reached into my backpack and dug around.
"Whatcha gonna do, pull out your big bad SWORD?" The small one said in mock fear.
"Oh, we've never seen a SWORD before!" the middlin' one said in a different tone, but still in that mockish fear.
I pulled out what I had been rummaging around for, holding it up for the large one to see.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" The large one screamed in genuine fear.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" The middlin' one screamed in true terror.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" The small one screamed, running into a wall and passing out.
The large one dropped me, then he and middlin' one took off sprinting for their lives, leaving the unfortunate small one to his doom.
I dusted off my hands, stood up, and looked at the tiny baby wolverine I had in my hand. "Good work, Dustelhoffer!" I said to the wolverine. "Now, go sic the small one!" Dustelhoffer looked at me, looked at the small one, then tried to rip my face off.
After I managed to escape the angry wolverine, I decided not to keep the wolverine as a pet anymore. But the repercussions of what I had done continued all the way through my junior year. After it spread through the school that the kid with bite marks all over his face carried around a live wolverine in his backpack without fear, all the upperclassmen left me alone. Oh, sure, some people tried to sneak peeks inside my backpack, but whenever I notcied them trying to look, I would merely walk up to them and they would run away screaming.
When my senior year began, however, nobody really remembered the incident, and my scars from the wolverine's vicious attack had all faded away. So one day, my senior classmates decided to teach me a lesson for causing fear among them for the last three years.
Let's just say this.... After they met up with me,
THEY.
NEVER.
LEFT.
CVU.
Oh, sure, I got beaten up by them so bad, I was unrecognizable. But I DID hack into the school system and changed their grades so that they would fail every class for the next thousand years. But hey. That's how it goes.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Topic for today suggested by Dhruv Mittal.
AH, my Freshman year in CVU was one to remember! Everything about it was awesome!
The very first day, I walked in and was stopped by a group of viking seniors. "Hey, dogmeat," The smallest one said, "I'ma thinkin you should leave." "Yeah, sharkbait," The middlin' one said. "Freshers shouldn't be walkin' around without a teddy bear to keep them company." "And freshers...." The largest one said, grabbing me by my head and lifting him up to his eye level, a solid eight feet off the ground, "should mind their own beeswax."
"Can I say something?" I gasped.
"Go on, say anything you want!" The middlin' one sneered.
Still dangling by my head, I slowly reached into my backpack and dug around.
"Whatcha gonna do, pull out your big bad SWORD?" The small one said in mock fear.
"Oh, we've never seen a SWORD before!" the middlin' one said in a different tone, but still in that mockish fear.
I pulled out what I had been rummaging around for, holding it up for the large one to see.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" The large one screamed in genuine fear.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" The middlin' one screamed in true terror.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" The small one screamed, running into a wall and passing out.
The large one dropped me, then he and middlin' one took off sprinting for their lives, leaving the unfortunate small one to his doom.
I dusted off my hands, stood up, and looked at the tiny baby wolverine I had in my hand. "Good work, Dustelhoffer!" I said to the wolverine. "Now, go sic the small one!" Dustelhoffer looked at me, looked at the small one, then tried to rip my face off.
After I managed to escape the angry wolverine, I decided not to keep the wolverine as a pet anymore. But the repercussions of what I had done continued all the way through my junior year. After it spread through the school that the kid with bite marks all over his face carried around a live wolverine in his backpack without fear, all the upperclassmen left me alone. Oh, sure, some people tried to sneak peeks inside my backpack, but whenever I notcied them trying to look, I would merely walk up to them and they would run away screaming.
When my senior year began, however, nobody really remembered the incident, and my scars from the wolverine's vicious attack had all faded away. So one day, my senior classmates decided to teach me a lesson for causing fear among them for the last three years.
Let's just say this.... After they met up with me,
THEY.
NEVER.
LEFT.
CVU.
Oh, sure, I got beaten up by them so bad, I was unrecognizable. But I DID hack into the school system and changed their grades so that they would fail every class for the next thousand years. But hey. That's how it goes.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Viking Dating
Don't forget to post a comment suggesting what I (Olaf the Bald) should rant about!
Touched briefly on by me before, I have gone on many on a date. The thing is, Dating Vikings of the female variety is just the same as datinga normal girl. So, you can apply the information I give you to any date, despite the fact I've only ever dated vikings.
The first thing you need to do is make sure your date isn't one of your enemies in disguise. Grab "Her" arm, twist it behind "Her" back, and yell directly in "her" ear "ARE YOU AN ENEMY OF MINE?" If she looks at you reproachfully, you're good. If she rips her face off, get ready for a fight.
After the enemy check, grab her arm before she can slap you and run away. Stick her in the passenger seat, then run as fast as you can around the car to your seat. If she hasn't left, your date will probably go well from there.
If you go to a place that has food (movie theater, The Prancing Viking (for a dinner date)), make sure to throw some at your date.... but MISS. Girls love it when you miss. It proves that you really like them. After you miss convince her that you both should throw food at other people. Start a hug food fight, but protect her at all costs. If you let even a sinlge crumb hit her, you're not a man.
If you want to hold her hand, MAKE SURE YOUR HAND ISN'T SWEATING BEFORE YOU GRAB IT! If she leans over and whispers, "Stop holding my hand, you freak," don't let go, whatever you do. Just trust me. On. This one. Yeah.
When you take her home two hours after her dad asked you to, don't kiss her. Unless you want to. Or if she kisses you. Or if she says she hates you. Or if she slaps you across the face, spits in your eye, and says she hates you. All those situations are appropriate for you to kiss her.
For females going on dates with dudes, show pity on your poor dates who will do this crap to you.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Touched briefly on by me before, I have gone on many on a date. The thing is, Dating Vikings of the female variety is just the same as datinga normal girl. So, you can apply the information I give you to any date, despite the fact I've only ever dated vikings.
The first thing you need to do is make sure your date isn't one of your enemies in disguise. Grab "Her" arm, twist it behind "Her" back, and yell directly in "her" ear "ARE YOU AN ENEMY OF MINE?" If she looks at you reproachfully, you're good. If she rips her face off, get ready for a fight.
After the enemy check, grab her arm before she can slap you and run away. Stick her in the passenger seat, then run as fast as you can around the car to your seat. If she hasn't left, your date will probably go well from there.
If you go to a place that has food (movie theater, The Prancing Viking (for a dinner date)), make sure to throw some at your date.... but MISS. Girls love it when you miss. It proves that you really like them. After you miss convince her that you both should throw food at other people. Start a hug food fight, but protect her at all costs. If you let even a sinlge crumb hit her, you're not a man.
If you want to hold her hand, MAKE SURE YOUR HAND ISN'T SWEATING BEFORE YOU GRAB IT! If she leans over and whispers, "Stop holding my hand, you freak," don't let go, whatever you do. Just trust me. On. This one. Yeah.
When you take her home two hours after her dad asked you to, don't kiss her. Unless you want to. Or if she kisses you. Or if she says she hates you. Or if she slaps you across the face, spits in your eye, and says she hates you. All those situations are appropriate for you to kiss her.
For females going on dates with dudes, show pity on your poor dates who will do this crap to you.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Horoscopes
Don't forget, post comments asking me what to rant about!
I can't come up with anything new today, so here's just a bunch of Horoscopes from my local Viking Newspaper:
Aries: You're feeling like you could take on the world today. Go ahead and take it on. Nothing can stop you when you feel this way. Not even a speeding bullet to the heart and head can stop you.
Taurus: Someone you are very close to might be killed today. Only you can stop their death. The stars foretell that if your sprinkle everyone you are close to with pepper, their killers won't be able to kill them without sneezing.
Gemini: You probably don't want to go outside today. The stars won't tell you why, but they are aligned just right that if you DO go outside, you won't be able to say that the stars didn't warn you.
Cancer: If you have a good attitude, as opposed to the bad attitude thats making evryone you know hate you, you may just get a date with that lucky significant other sometime soon.
Leo: You feel very creative today. You just want to get out and create things. Go on! Create! Your boss is pulling down on your creativiy as well. Quit your job, and you'll feel that much more satisfied.
Virgo: You will be approached by many attractive personas of the opposite gender. As hard as this might seem, RESIST THEM. If you don't, your calendar may be full for the rest of the month. And we all know Virgos hate a busy schedule.
Libra: Don't fight against the urges you feel today. Just follow your heart. In fact, you shouldn't even follow your horoscope today.
Scorpio (I, Olaf the Bald, am a Scorpio, in case you forgot): You are awesome. Every knows it, and some people tell you it. The ones who don't are just jealous. They can just deal with it.
Saggittarius: I'm sorry. I'm not apologizing for anything I did, mind you, I'm merely sorry for what's gonna happen today.
Capricorn: Someone inspires you, but they aren't someone you should be inspired by. Stop being inspired by them, its buggin the rest of us.
Aquarius: You feel compelled to buy a fish today. Its up to you, but don't blame the stars if it dies and you feel guilty.
Feces: You stink.
AH, those were some pretty good horoscopes, eh? Well, guess what? I MADE EVERY SINGLE ONE UP! YOU JUST GOT PLAYED! JUST LIKE WHEN YOU ACTUALLY READ YOUR HOROSCOPES FROM AN ACTUAL NEWSPAPER! HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? WHY DID YOU THINK THAT HOROSCOPES ARE IN THE COMICS SECTION?
Thanks for reading!
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
I can't come up with anything new today, so here's just a bunch of Horoscopes from my local Viking Newspaper:
Aries: You're feeling like you could take on the world today. Go ahead and take it on. Nothing can stop you when you feel this way. Not even a speeding bullet to the heart and head can stop you.
Taurus: Someone you are very close to might be killed today. Only you can stop their death. The stars foretell that if your sprinkle everyone you are close to with pepper, their killers won't be able to kill them without sneezing.
Gemini: You probably don't want to go outside today. The stars won't tell you why, but they are aligned just right that if you DO go outside, you won't be able to say that the stars didn't warn you.
Cancer: If you have a good attitude, as opposed to the bad attitude thats making evryone you know hate you, you may just get a date with that lucky significant other sometime soon.
Leo: You feel very creative today. You just want to get out and create things. Go on! Create! Your boss is pulling down on your creativiy as well. Quit your job, and you'll feel that much more satisfied.
Virgo: You will be approached by many attractive personas of the opposite gender. As hard as this might seem, RESIST THEM. If you don't, your calendar may be full for the rest of the month. And we all know Virgos hate a busy schedule.
Libra: Don't fight against the urges you feel today. Just follow your heart. In fact, you shouldn't even follow your horoscope today.
Scorpio (I, Olaf the Bald, am a Scorpio, in case you forgot): You are awesome. Every knows it, and some people tell you it. The ones who don't are just jealous. They can just deal with it.
Saggittarius: I'm sorry. I'm not apologizing for anything I did, mind you, I'm merely sorry for what's gonna happen today.
Capricorn: Someone inspires you, but they aren't someone you should be inspired by. Stop being inspired by them, its buggin the rest of us.
Aquarius: You feel compelled to buy a fish today. Its up to you, but don't blame the stars if it dies and you feel guilty.
Feces: You stink.
AH, those were some pretty good horoscopes, eh? Well, guess what? I MADE EVERY SINGLE ONE UP! YOU JUST GOT PLAYED! JUST LIKE WHEN YOU ACTUALLY READ YOUR HOROSCOPES FROM AN ACTUAL NEWSPAPER! HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? WHY DID YOU THINK THAT HOROSCOPES ARE IN THE COMICS SECTION?
Thanks for reading!
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Word-Of-Mouth
You know what I've noticed? There hasn't been a single stinkin' new fan since, oh, i dunno, MARCH! The same couple of dedicatory fans post a comment on my blog, usually saying stuff like how messed-up my logic is, how much they thought the last post was unfunny, and arguing about Zelda. I repeat this process DAY-BY-DAY-BY-DAY. HOORAY.
NO! This is not how it should be! I need you, my dedicatory few, to act as advertisers, since Vikings don't believe in money, and as such, can't pay for online advertising.
Ever heard of a thing known as 'Word-of-Mouth?' It doesn't take much, just mention my hilarity to one of your friends, and WA-LAH! I begin to grow a larger fan-base!
I LIKE LARGER FAN-BASES!
So, in addition to suggesting what I should rant about day-by-day, you need to suggest to other people to suggest what I rant about, so I can rant to FULL POTENTIAL! HA!
Also, here's a viking haiku:
NO! This is not how it should be! I need you, my dedicatory few, to act as advertisers, since Vikings don't believe in money, and as such, can't pay for online advertising.
Ever heard of a thing known as 'Word-of-Mouth?' It doesn't take much, just mention my hilarity to one of your friends, and WA-LAH! I begin to grow a larger fan-base!
I LIKE LARGER FAN-BASES!
So, in addition to suggesting what I should rant about day-by-day, you need to suggest to other people to suggest what I rant about, so I can rant to FULL POTENTIAL! HA!
Also, here's a viking haiku:
'DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
YOU STUPID NINJAS AND CLOWNS!
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE'
And here's another one.
I never thought that I
would see my boat eaten by
a samurai ghost.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Twenty-Two
Wow! Twenty-Two posts! One post a day! Every single one is at least half-way funny! WHat an accomplishment for smelly, non-technologically prone viking!
I'm sad to say this, though, since I'm going to look like a total ripoff of Ask A Ninja and HomeStar, but I don't have an unlimited amount of topics I can rant about.
So here's my proposition: You Almost-Vikings post comments suggesting topics that I can rant about. And I'll pick the very best ones, or the most requested ones, and rant about them.
In order to keep from being a total ripoff of the two internet icons mentioned above (no I was not paid to advertise), I ask you not to ask questions, but simply post topics that I could rant about.
Thanks!
To make sure you don't leave without your daily humor, here's a VIking Fable:
"A battleax had used to be his master's prized possession, but had been replaced by a headrest. The Battleax dreamed of the day he would once again take up his rightful place in his master's hand.
As the years passed, the Battleax got dustier, older, and more hopeful that his master would take him up again. One day, the master, old as well, hobbled up to the ax and took it off the wall where it had sat. Smiling, the master caressed the battleax, turned, and threw it into the forge. The battleax, it turned out, made some rather nice nails.
Moral: Old Battleaxes can be melted down in order to make rather nice nails."
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
I'm sad to say this, though, since I'm going to look like a total ripoff of Ask A Ninja and HomeStar, but I don't have an unlimited amount of topics I can rant about.
So here's my proposition: You Almost-Vikings post comments suggesting topics that I can rant about. And I'll pick the very best ones, or the most requested ones, and rant about them.
In order to keep from being a total ripoff of the two internet icons mentioned above (no I was not paid to advertise), I ask you not to ask questions, but simply post topics that I could rant about.
Thanks!
To make sure you don't leave without your daily humor, here's a VIking Fable:
"A battleax had used to be his master's prized possession, but had been replaced by a headrest. The Battleax dreamed of the day he would once again take up his rightful place in his master's hand.
As the years passed, the Battleax got dustier, older, and more hopeful that his master would take him up again. One day, the master, old as well, hobbled up to the ax and took it off the wall where it had sat. Smiling, the master caressed the battleax, turned, and threw it into the forge. The battleax, it turned out, made some rather nice nails.
Moral: Old Battleaxes can be melted down in order to make rather nice nails."
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Spring Break
Ah, Spring Break! The time of the year where Vikings get one of their 52 weeks off from working. 'Cause, you know, we don't work. Vikings, like all the other people on spring break, participate in many activities that make grandparents think and cats wonderingly wonder what you're doing. In preparation for the next week, here are some pointers:
Bungee Jumping: I highly recommend doing this activity, but for those that have sharp, slicy weapons, like swords, don't take them with you. One accidental jerk and your bung is cut. The end result? HARD PLUMMETING.
Swimming: Don't take your weapon for this, either. Sure, if you kill a shark using your weapon, you'll get girls. But if you kill one with your HANDS, then you'll get that many more girls. To make sure a shark actually appears, fall on a bed of nails so you're bleeding profusely when you go out into the water.
Golf: The only reason to play golf is to get into golf-cart races while chucking Golf Clubs and Golfers at your opponents. It's like VikingCart TM, but in real life! Actually, VikingCart is the video game I'm the worst at. But REAL LIFE VikingCart TM... I pown.
Amusement Parks and the Like: Dude, These places are awesome. The only advice I can give to you is to bring a concealed weapon, for all the clowns that lurk in these places. But DO go crazy. If you can Bungee Jump inside a Golf Cart while killing a shark with your bare hands with three chicks* holding onto you in fear inside an amusement park, you're surely gotten the most out of your spring break. And yes, amusement parks allow you to go Bungee GolfCart Shark Hunting ANYTIME, as long as you sign the waivers.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*Despite the fact I really like Nun-Chucks, if you have three Chucks holding onto you in fear, its not a good thing. Unless you're a chick yourself. Then that's fine, though everybody knows that all people named Chuck are uncool.**
**I apologize to anyone cool named Chuck.
Bungee Jumping: I highly recommend doing this activity, but for those that have sharp, slicy weapons, like swords, don't take them with you. One accidental jerk and your bung is cut. The end result? HARD PLUMMETING.
Swimming: Don't take your weapon for this, either. Sure, if you kill a shark using your weapon, you'll get girls. But if you kill one with your HANDS, then you'll get that many more girls. To make sure a shark actually appears, fall on a bed of nails so you're bleeding profusely when you go out into the water.
Golf: The only reason to play golf is to get into golf-cart races while chucking Golf Clubs and Golfers at your opponents. It's like VikingCart TM, but in real life! Actually, VikingCart is the video game I'm the worst at. But REAL LIFE VikingCart TM... I pown.
Amusement Parks and the Like: Dude, These places are awesome. The only advice I can give to you is to bring a concealed weapon, for all the clowns that lurk in these places. But DO go crazy. If you can Bungee Jump inside a Golf Cart while killing a shark with your bare hands with three chicks* holding onto you in fear inside an amusement park, you're surely gotten the most out of your spring break. And yes, amusement parks allow you to go Bungee GolfCart Shark Hunting ANYTIME, as long as you sign the waivers.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*Despite the fact I really like Nun-Chucks, if you have three Chucks holding onto you in fear, its not a good thing. Unless you're a chick yourself. Then that's fine, though everybody knows that all people named Chuck are uncool.**
**I apologize to anyone cool named Chuck.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Chucks
My primary pair of Nun-Chucks, the ones I stole from the Ninja I cleaved, (see My Origin, March Post), are made from a solid metal. But in my many years, I've learned a great many things about the different types of Nun-Chucks. Here is a list I've compiled, for your reading pleasure:
1.) Metal Nun-Chucks: The BEST. Hard to break, hard to deflect, hard to beat. The extra weight adds to the damage given to an opponent, and they flash in the sun... AND in the BLOOD! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
2.) Wooden Nun-Chucks: Eh. They're pretty good, if you're in a pinch but enough whacks against some skulls (about 17-53, depending on the type of wood), and your poor wooden Nun-Chucks begin to splinter and fall apart. It's sad. Only Duct Tape will slow the inevitbale from occuring: your Nun-Chucks will break.
3.) Foam, Rubber, 'Styro' Nun-Chucks: The only thing this kind of Nun-Chuck is good for is fr smacking your amigoes when you don't actually want to hurt them. And you only get about one or two whacks in before having to replace these. And it doesn't even hurt (much)!
4.) Drum-Chucks: I've copyrighted this phrase, just to let you know. Copyrighted in a way that IF YOU WANNA USE THE PHRASE, YOU GOTTA PAY ME FIVE BUCKS A DAY TO USE IT! That being said, Drum-Chucks are an invention invented by the wonderful me. In case you haven't figure it out yet, I am a HARD CORE DRUMMER! So, by combining two of my favorite loves together, I made Drum-Chucks: Two Drumsticks connected by a chain. Clever, no?
5.) Bone-Chucks: This type of Nun-Chucks are for food fights. Take two chicken bones (or any type of bones, I don't care), wrap spaghetti around two of the ends, and behold! Instant dinner weapon!
6.) Fun-Chucks: Nun-Chucks made out of balloons. Used mainly by clowns. Poser clowns.
7.) Run-Chucks: These are two bombs connected by a chain. When you hit one of them against something, you have ten seconds to run before they blow up.
8.) Dumb-Chucks: Two Penguins connected by a chain.
9.) Bum-Chucks: Two hobos fighting over some money wielded by a Nun-Chuck User.
10.) Rum-Chucks: For fighting pirates. Stick your stick-sections of your normal Nun-Chuck into bottle, and as you whack pirates, they won't notice you doing so, as all they have eyes for is the floating bottle. Take a note: Pirates + Bottle = ineffective pirate. Ever see Pirates of the Carribean? Valued Rum more THAN THEIR VERY LIVES!
11.) One-Chucks: A broken pair of Nun-Chucks with only one stick and one chain. Go get some new ones, cheapskate.
Remember these different types of Nun-Chucks, as all will be necessary to learn if you plan on becoming like me: Nun-Chuck master of your viking crew.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
1.) Metal Nun-Chucks: The BEST. Hard to break, hard to deflect, hard to beat. The extra weight adds to the damage given to an opponent, and they flash in the sun... AND in the BLOOD! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
2.) Wooden Nun-Chucks: Eh. They're pretty good, if you're in a pinch but enough whacks against some skulls (about 17-53, depending on the type of wood), and your poor wooden Nun-Chucks begin to splinter and fall apart. It's sad. Only Duct Tape will slow the inevitbale from occuring: your Nun-Chucks will break.
3.) Foam, Rubber, 'Styro' Nun-Chucks: The only thing this kind of Nun-Chuck is good for is fr smacking your amigoes when you don't actually want to hurt them. And you only get about one or two whacks in before having to replace these. And it doesn't even hurt (much)!
4.) Drum-Chucks: I've copyrighted this phrase, just to let you know. Copyrighted in a way that IF YOU WANNA USE THE PHRASE, YOU GOTTA PAY ME FIVE BUCKS A DAY TO USE IT! That being said, Drum-Chucks are an invention invented by the wonderful me. In case you haven't figure it out yet, I am a HARD CORE DRUMMER! So, by combining two of my favorite loves together, I made Drum-Chucks: Two Drumsticks connected by a chain. Clever, no?
5.) Bone-Chucks: This type of Nun-Chucks are for food fights. Take two chicken bones (or any type of bones, I don't care), wrap spaghetti around two of the ends, and behold! Instant dinner weapon!
6.) Fun-Chucks: Nun-Chucks made out of balloons. Used mainly by clowns. Poser clowns.
7.) Run-Chucks: These are two bombs connected by a chain. When you hit one of them against something, you have ten seconds to run before they blow up.
8.) Dumb-Chucks: Two Penguins connected by a chain.
9.) Bum-Chucks: Two hobos fighting over some money wielded by a Nun-Chuck User.
10.) Rum-Chucks: For fighting pirates. Stick your stick-sections of your normal Nun-Chuck into bottle, and as you whack pirates, they won't notice you doing so, as all they have eyes for is the floating bottle. Take a note: Pirates + Bottle = ineffective pirate. Ever see Pirates of the Carribean? Valued Rum more THAN THEIR VERY LIVES!
11.) One-Chucks: A broken pair of Nun-Chucks with only one stick and one chain. Go get some new ones, cheapskate.
Remember these different types of Nun-Chucks, as all will be necessary to learn if you plan on becoming like me: Nun-Chuck master of your viking crew.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Explorering (Intentional Misspelling)
Last week, George the Yellow, Erik the Noisy and I (Olaf the Bald) went a-questing for... well, I don't know what, but we went exploring, at least.
Erik the Noisy was jabbering on his cell phone, as usual. George was nervously looking around.
"Olaf... Where are we?" He nervously asked me.
I sagely answered, "We are right in the place where we need to be."
George nervously looked at me.
"Then why did you ask Erik to call Gregory to find out where we are?" he asked.
"I did no such thing!" I snapped.
Erik snapped his cell phone shut and looked at me. "Gregory said that if we go North, we should be at Urbia in another half-hour."
"WHY'D YOU CALL, YOU DUNDERHEAD!" I screamed. "I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE!"
"But..." Erik spluttered, "You asked me to call Gregory abou..."
"LIES!" I screamed. "I know exactly where we are! Don't even joke! Urbia is South! Let's go!"
After walking south for about a half-hour, we came across a strange creature.
"AHHHHHHH!" George screamed in fear, toppling over in a dead faint.
"Gee, you'd think he'd have seen a dragonfly before." I said.
"Yeah." Erik said.
"I think we should continue southward." I said.
"I totally agree," Erik said.
"So let's go." I started to walk forward, then turned and looked at Erik.
"So, sell all the stocks in Ninjas, and put them all into Japanese Cartoon Characters;" Erik said.
"STOP TALKING ON YOUR PHONE!" I screamed.
After I explained to Erik that I wanted to continue southward, and after he argued that he thought that Gregory had been right, and after I had squashed that thought, we picked up George and carried him for another ten minutes.
Suddenly a Kraken jumped down from a tree and assaulted us.
"BLARGH! I'm a Kraken!" The Kraken yelled.
"IMPOSSIBLE!" I yelled back. "Krakens live in large bodies of water, not trees!"
"Oh, really?" The Kraken asked. "I didn't know." There was a flash of light, and the Kraken disappeared.
"Where'd he go?" Erik asked.
"Probably in the Ocean." I said.
"Howdoya figure?" Erik asked.
"It's a common law of physics that if a thing realizes that its been doing something that nature dictates it can't, the thing will automatically revert to the natural progression of what it was supposed to do."
"Oh... I see." Erik said.
We then fought a herd of centaur, some possessed pineapples, and a couple of other creatures that thought we were raining on their parade a little too much. Somehow, we found our way home, but not before stumbling upon a strange object.
But that's another story.*
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*And you know that whenever someone says, "But that's another story" you'll never hear that story. EVER.
MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Erik the Noisy was jabbering on his cell phone, as usual. George was nervously looking around.
"Olaf... Where are we?" He nervously asked me.
I sagely answered, "We are right in the place where we need to be."
George nervously looked at me.
"Then why did you ask Erik to call Gregory to find out where we are?" he asked.
"I did no such thing!" I snapped.
Erik snapped his cell phone shut and looked at me. "Gregory said that if we go North, we should be at Urbia in another half-hour."
"WHY'D YOU CALL, YOU DUNDERHEAD!" I screamed. "I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE!"
"But..." Erik spluttered, "You asked me to call Gregory abou..."
"LIES!" I screamed. "I know exactly where we are! Don't even joke! Urbia is South! Let's go!"
After walking south for about a half-hour, we came across a strange creature.
"AHHHHHHH!" George screamed in fear, toppling over in a dead faint.
"Gee, you'd think he'd have seen a dragonfly before." I said.
"Yeah." Erik said.
"I think we should continue southward." I said.
"I totally agree," Erik said.
"So let's go." I started to walk forward, then turned and looked at Erik.
"So, sell all the stocks in Ninjas, and put them all into Japanese Cartoon Characters;" Erik said.
"STOP TALKING ON YOUR PHONE!" I screamed.
After I explained to Erik that I wanted to continue southward, and after he argued that he thought that Gregory had been right, and after I had squashed that thought, we picked up George and carried him for another ten minutes.
Suddenly a Kraken jumped down from a tree and assaulted us.
"BLARGH! I'm a Kraken!" The Kraken yelled.
"IMPOSSIBLE!" I yelled back. "Krakens live in large bodies of water, not trees!"
"Oh, really?" The Kraken asked. "I didn't know." There was a flash of light, and the Kraken disappeared.
"Where'd he go?" Erik asked.
"Probably in the Ocean." I said.
"Howdoya figure?" Erik asked.
"It's a common law of physics that if a thing realizes that its been doing something that nature dictates it can't, the thing will automatically revert to the natural progression of what it was supposed to do."
"Oh... I see." Erik said.
We then fought a herd of centaur, some possessed pineapples, and a couple of other creatures that thought we were raining on their parade a little too much. Somehow, we found our way home, but not before stumbling upon a strange object.
But that's another story.*
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*And you know that whenever someone says, "But that's another story" you'll never hear that story. EVER.
MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The Origin of the Origin
If you were expecting a post in the tone of my usual writings, then leave.
This is not a pleasant memory.
This is not an opinion.
This is not happy.
I was not born Olaf the Bald.
I was born Olaf Henderson, son of Hender the Family Man.
I had a sister and a mother.
We all lived in a small cottage off the coast of Norway.
This was during the time that I secretly wanted to be a Ninja, as talked about in the post 'Ranged Weapons.'
One day, while out practicing my slingshot, I heard a large explosion.
Running back to my home, I found it exploded.
I will not describe the images I saw.
I found a note that read, "This is a message to those who might not do what I want."
"-From Ninja Joe."
Overwhelmed with grief, I began to run.
I ran distances that I now don't remember running.
But I must have, because when I finally became aware of where I was, I was in one of the medical bays of Central Viking University, being watched over by Leif the Armless, Dean of CVU himself.
I was over 700 miles away from my home, most of them I don't remembner traveling to this day.
Laying on the sick bed, with only a few ragged tatters of my clothes, my dad's Battleax, and my slingshot (tucked away in its secret compartment), I vowed to find this "Ninja Joe" and end his life.
I knew that there was only one way to do that.
I had to take up the mantle my father left.
I had to become a Viking.
HENDER THE FAMILY-MAAAAAN!
In memory of my father.
-Olaf Henderson
This is not a pleasant memory.
This is not an opinion.
This is not happy.
I was not born Olaf the Bald.
I was born Olaf Henderson, son of Hender the Family Man.
I had a sister and a mother.
We all lived in a small cottage off the coast of Norway.
This was during the time that I secretly wanted to be a Ninja, as talked about in the post 'Ranged Weapons.'
One day, while out practicing my slingshot, I heard a large explosion.
Running back to my home, I found it exploded.
I will not describe the images I saw.
I found a note that read, "This is a message to those who might not do what I want."
"-From Ninja Joe."
Overwhelmed with grief, I began to run.
I ran distances that I now don't remember running.
But I must have, because when I finally became aware of where I was, I was in one of the medical bays of Central Viking University, being watched over by Leif the Armless, Dean of CVU himself.
I was over 700 miles away from my home, most of them I don't remembner traveling to this day.
Laying on the sick bed, with only a few ragged tatters of my clothes, my dad's Battleax, and my slingshot (tucked away in its secret compartment), I vowed to find this "Ninja Joe" and end his life.
I knew that there was only one way to do that.
I had to take up the mantle my father left.
I had to become a Viking.
HENDER THE FAMILY-MAAAAAN!
In memory of my father.
-Olaf Henderson
Monday, April 6, 2009
Samurai
There is one class of warrior that annoys ALL of the other classes... Samurai. Samurai are an enigma, since they have strange codes of conduct that not even Pirates follow.
For one thing, they refuse to fight with someone with no honor. Thus, Robots, Ninjas, and Dentists are out of luck for a Samurai duel, since Samurai refuse to fight them. But their spirits... here, let me set up a scenario for you.
Scene: A robot prepares to fight a Samurai.
Robot: I... Will... Kill... You...
Samurai: You are a robot. You are equipped to kill humans. Your equipment is unfairly matched with mine. You have no honor.
Robot: I... will... kill... you?
Samurai: Go ahead and try, robot dog!
Robot: I... Will... Kill... You!
(Blasts samurai into oblivion)
Robot: That... was... easy...
(Samurai's ghost comes up out of dead body.)
Samurai's Ghost: YOU KILLED ME WITHOUT HONOR!
(slashes robot into tiny, tiny bits.)
That's how a Samurai fights someone with no honor. Now, if you have honor, the battle will go something like this:
Viking: Bring it on, Samurai!
Samurai: We shall fight with HONOR!
(Viking attacks. Samurai's stupid slow armor stupidly slows him down. Viking stabs Samurai. Samurai dies.)
Viking: That was easy.
(Samurai's ghost comes up out of Dead Body.)
Samurai's Ghost: You fought with honor! You shall get a reward!
Viking: A reward? COOL!
(Samurai's Ghost slashes Viking into tiny, tiny pieces.)
Samurai's Ghost: The afterlife is much better than this life, so you will like it better than here.
So you see why the classes find Samurai to be annoying. If you kill them, their ghost will kill you, no matter what. And no, anti-ghost serum won't stop them either. Anti-Ghost serum only works on Ninjas embued with the power of ancestral fury... but, they have to complete the quest first.
I'll talk about Samurai on another date.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
For one thing, they refuse to fight with someone with no honor. Thus, Robots, Ninjas, and Dentists are out of luck for a Samurai duel, since Samurai refuse to fight them. But their spirits... here, let me set up a scenario for you.
Scene: A robot prepares to fight a Samurai.
Robot: I... Will... Kill... You...
Samurai: You are a robot. You are equipped to kill humans. Your equipment is unfairly matched with mine. You have no honor.
Robot: I... will... kill... you?
Samurai: Go ahead and try, robot dog!
Robot: I... Will... Kill... You!
(Blasts samurai into oblivion)
Robot: That... was... easy...
(Samurai's ghost comes up out of dead body.)
Samurai's Ghost: YOU KILLED ME WITHOUT HONOR!
(slashes robot into tiny, tiny bits.)
That's how a Samurai fights someone with no honor. Now, if you have honor, the battle will go something like this:
Viking: Bring it on, Samurai!
Samurai: We shall fight with HONOR!
(Viking attacks. Samurai's stupid slow armor stupidly slows him down. Viking stabs Samurai. Samurai dies.)
Viking: That was easy.
(Samurai's ghost comes up out of Dead Body.)
Samurai's Ghost: You fought with honor! You shall get a reward!
Viking: A reward? COOL!
(Samurai's Ghost slashes Viking into tiny, tiny pieces.)
Samurai's Ghost: The afterlife is much better than this life, so you will like it better than here.
So you see why the classes find Samurai to be annoying. If you kill them, their ghost will kill you, no matter what. And no, anti-ghost serum won't stop them either. Anti-Ghost serum only works on Ninjas embued with the power of ancestral fury... but, they have to complete the quest first.
I'll talk about Samurai on another date.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Penguins
I hate Penguins with a passion that rivals the heat of a thousand suns. Why? you may ask. Penguins are cute and cuddly. EVERYONE loves penguins. Well, guess what? I HATE PENGUINS!
I would appreciate penguins more they all just went and stopped hating their descendents. They hate their descendents? you ask. The answer is a full-blown, pig-wrestling, hard core YES. Here is why.
1. Penguins travel hundreds of miles to go to some 'Magic nesting ground'. Masny die on the long trip there. If they really wanted to nest, they should do it... BEFORE they travel hundreds of miles. Its not efficient.
2. While the penguins mate, they begin to die from the horrible cold. They die while arriving. They die while trying to get a mte. They die even WHILE MATING! Its like a bad Real-Time-Strategy video game.
3. When the egg finally comes out of mommy penguin (many penguins die while waiting for the egg to come out, as well.) she has to give it to daddy. The switch, if done incorrectly, makes the egg freeze over. Dead, frozen penguin babies.
4. Dad sits on the egg while the mom goes back thousands of miles to eat. Poor dad begins to starve. If mom doesn't hurry back soon, he starves to death trying to keep the egg warm.
5. Mom finally comes back. Now DAD goes to go eat while MOM sits on the egg. So mom starves to death as well.
6. While both penguins are eating, they are getting hunted and eaten by the predators of the sea, like killer whales, seals, sea lions, and the like.
7. When the penguins finally hatch, some of them can't withstand the cold, some of them can't keep from getting eaten by seagulls, some many of the penguin babies DIE.
8. Those baby penguins then repeat the process.
I hate penguins, because if they really wanted to love their kids, then they shouldn't have them, so their kids wouldn't have to go through the worst life EVER. Any race who wants their kids to be born into a LIFE OF DEATH and TORMENT shouldn't deserve to exist.
On that note, I like Ice Cream.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
I would appreciate penguins more they all just went and stopped hating their descendents. They hate their descendents? you ask. The answer is a full-blown, pig-wrestling, hard core YES. Here is why.
1. Penguins travel hundreds of miles to go to some 'Magic nesting ground'. Masny die on the long trip there. If they really wanted to nest, they should do it... BEFORE they travel hundreds of miles. Its not efficient.
2. While the penguins mate, they begin to die from the horrible cold. They die while arriving. They die while trying to get a mte. They die even WHILE MATING! Its like a bad Real-Time-Strategy video game.
3. When the egg finally comes out of mommy penguin (many penguins die while waiting for the egg to come out, as well.) she has to give it to daddy. The switch, if done incorrectly, makes the egg freeze over. Dead, frozen penguin babies.
4. Dad sits on the egg while the mom goes back thousands of miles to eat. Poor dad begins to starve. If mom doesn't hurry back soon, he starves to death trying to keep the egg warm.
5. Mom finally comes back. Now DAD goes to go eat while MOM sits on the egg. So mom starves to death as well.
6. While both penguins are eating, they are getting hunted and eaten by the predators of the sea, like killer whales, seals, sea lions, and the like.
7. When the penguins finally hatch, some of them can't withstand the cold, some of them can't keep from getting eaten by seagulls, some many of the penguin babies DIE.
8. Those baby penguins then repeat the process.
I hate penguins, because if they really wanted to love their kids, then they shouldn't have them, so their kids wouldn't have to go through the worst life EVER. Any race who wants their kids to be born into a LIFE OF DEATH and TORMENT shouldn't deserve to exist.
On that note, I like Ice Cream.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Death Metal
VIkings love Death Metal. Its true. Nothing makes vikings want to kill more than Death Metal. The screams, the monosyllabic words, the heavy beat... heck, Death Metal itself was based off a viking raid that was listened to by an aspiring band searching for a new tone in music.
My favorite Death Metal song is 'Findin' the guts in my Bedroom,' by Sleazy Chainsaw Karat. Here are the lyrics, for your reading pleasure.
My favorite Death Metal song is 'Findin' the guts in my Bedroom,' by Sleazy Chainsaw Karat. Here are the lyrics, for your reading pleasure.
(Heavy, loud, frantic music for about 21 seconds)
(Unintelligible yell lasting for 33 seconds)
I found the guts in my bedroom!
(DIfferent-sounding yell lasting for 35 seconds)
And they were pretty gross!
I swept them up with a broom,
Made me real morose!
(The word 'Deranged' is shouted and held out for 22 seconds)
(More heavy, loud, frantic music for about 30 seconds)
OH YEAH! It was pretty gross! And it was...
(The word 'Death' is held out for 57 seconds until the end of the song)
So, that's pretty musch my song. Its pretty sweet. I'll try to get up the mp3 sometime.
I swear, there's better than stabbin' a samurai while yelling to the song blasting into my ear from my dOpi. Its priceless.
I FOUND THE GUTS IN MY BEDROOOOOM!
wait... I mean...
OLAF THE BAAAAALD!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Ranged Weapons
OK, I admit it. Despite the fact that I have consistantly made fun of ranged weapons, I have one. And its my only bane.
It all started when I was a young viking living in my hometown. Secretly, I wanted to be a pirate, so I snuck out frequently to go spy on the nearby pirate port.
My favorite pirate, whom I learned was named Pposu, carried a large hammer and... you guessed it... a slingshot.
Well, gee, I thought. If I want to join the crew Pposu's on, I better get a slingshot. Going out into the woods, I made a slingshot using only the BARE ELEMENTS OF NATURE! ANd a saw. And a drill. And my sister's hairband. And a bottle cap. And a bulldozer. But other than that, it was Au Naturale.
I ran to the hidden pirate port, so as to beg Pposu to let me on his ship. As I came upon the port, however, I saw, oh, I dunno, ABOUT FIFTY NINJAS KILLIN' EVERYONE!
Watching Pposu get pwned by a Ninja, it made me realize something: I wanted to be a ninja. Why I stopped wanting to be a Ninja is another story.
Foreshadowing...*
Anyway, back to ranged weapons. The slingshot I worked so hard on couldn't just go to waste, so after ax practice with my dad, I'd go out and do slingshot practice.
I'm pretty good with it, too, even though its range is a little under ten feet. But, since I've become a viking, you know its bad news. I keep it, because you never know... I might need it someday.
Foreshadowing...*
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
PS: Just to remind you, I really do hate ranged weapons. I hate them more than taxes! I hate them more than waking up with a centipede in your mouth! I hate them more than PENGUINS!*
*I said that in an ominous, spooky, feminine voice, for clarification.
It all started when I was a young viking living in my hometown. Secretly, I wanted to be a pirate, so I snuck out frequently to go spy on the nearby pirate port.
My favorite pirate, whom I learned was named Pposu, carried a large hammer and... you guessed it... a slingshot.
Well, gee, I thought. If I want to join the crew Pposu's on, I better get a slingshot. Going out into the woods, I made a slingshot using only the BARE ELEMENTS OF NATURE! ANd a saw. And a drill. And my sister's hairband. And a bottle cap. And a bulldozer. But other than that, it was Au Naturale.
I ran to the hidden pirate port, so as to beg Pposu to let me on his ship. As I came upon the port, however, I saw, oh, I dunno, ABOUT FIFTY NINJAS KILLIN' EVERYONE!
Watching Pposu get pwned by a Ninja, it made me realize something: I wanted to be a ninja. Why I stopped wanting to be a Ninja is another story.
Foreshadowing...*
Anyway, back to ranged weapons. The slingshot I worked so hard on couldn't just go to waste, so after ax practice with my dad, I'd go out and do slingshot practice.
I'm pretty good with it, too, even though its range is a little under ten feet. But, since I've become a viking, you know its bad news. I keep it, because you never know... I might need it someday.
Foreshadowing...*
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
PS: Just to remind you, I really do hate ranged weapons. I hate them more than taxes! I hate them more than waking up with a centipede in your mouth! I hate them more than PENGUINS!*
*I said that in an ominous, spooky, feminine voice, for clarification.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Cats
Cats are wierd. I have a cat. He is totally wierd.
I got the cat after a raid on a circus. We had just defeated a buncha clowns, and I found an orange cat wnderneath some over-large purple pants. I attempted to leave it behind, but it followed me back to the Bloodhound. Chieftain Gregory the Hairy stopped me from getting on.
"Why do you have that cat?" He asked.
"It followed me home. Can I keep him?" I asked back.
"Um... if it followed you home, why is it scratching your arms?" He asked.
"I SAID, it followed me home! Can I keep him!" I said menacingly as the cat aimed its head at me and hacked a hairball into my face.
"I'm pretty sure he doesn't want you to keep him." Gregory said as the cat stabbed me in the eye with its tail.
"HE DOES, TOO!" I yelled as the cat hissed at the world in general.
The cat, whom I later named Archon the Cat (Arch for short), warmed up to me. But even now, he does wierd things I can't comprehend.
He crawls onto something I'm reading and refuses to move.
He sits on my face while I'm sleeping.
He throws up geometric barf.
He climbs up on me, closes his eyes, purrs for a bit, farts, then leaves.
Cats are wierd.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
I got the cat after a raid on a circus. We had just defeated a buncha clowns, and I found an orange cat wnderneath some over-large purple pants. I attempted to leave it behind, but it followed me back to the Bloodhound. Chieftain Gregory the Hairy stopped me from getting on.
"Why do you have that cat?" He asked.
"It followed me home. Can I keep him?" I asked back.
"Um... if it followed you home, why is it scratching your arms?" He asked.
"I SAID, it followed me home! Can I keep him!" I said menacingly as the cat aimed its head at me and hacked a hairball into my face.
"I'm pretty sure he doesn't want you to keep him." Gregory said as the cat stabbed me in the eye with its tail.
"HE DOES, TOO!" I yelled as the cat hissed at the world in general.
The cat, whom I later named Archon the Cat (Arch for short), warmed up to me. But even now, he does wierd things I can't comprehend.
He crawls onto something I'm reading and refuses to move.
He sits on my face while I'm sleeping.
He throws up geometric barf.
He climbs up on me, closes his eyes, purrs for a bit, farts, then leaves.
Cats are wierd.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Firemen vs. Postal Workers
You may notice that on the left side of the screen, there is a poll. If you haven't voted, VOTE! But about the poll... many people may have wondered Why the heck are Firemen, Dentists, and Postal Workers on the poll?* Well, guess what? Ima tell you.
Dentists are scary. Seriously. They THINK that they are trying to help people. But your teeth are no longer safe when a dentist is around you. One whirr of a drill and your teeth may suddenly be full of holes... or wearing braces... or you may even lose that lovely shade of yellow you've been working on. The difference between dentists and all the other classes is that they see no one as a rival, save for a dentist who sets up a dentistry shop across the street from theirs.
Firemen and Postal Workers, however, hate each other rivaling the hatred of the Ninja/Pirate rivalry.
Postal Workers hate firemen because firemen have a much more exciting lifestyle than them. And firemen hate postal workers because they get more gratitude day-to-day from the common people, especially when the common people get cookies or money in the mail.
A recent epic battle between firemen and postal workers occured last year. More people died in that battle than did the entire American Revolution. It was a good day for all the other classes 'cause, hey, less of those two classes to fight.
I've always rooted for the firemen in that rivalry personally, because, come on. Have you ever seen a firemen? Darth Vader was based of a firemen. Darth Vader is the single most scariest person... EVER.
Postal Workers have always seemed lame to me, especially since they have to convince the world that they'll deliver whenever. "Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail shall keep the postmen from their appointed rounds." That should be OBVIOUS, and you shouldn't have to state it.
Hold on, I just received a letter from a mysterious person named "The PWG". Just give me a sec.
...
...
...
...
Ok, apparently, "The PWG" stands for "The Postal Workers Guild." They just sent me a booby-trapped letter that severed three of my major arteries using really sharp paper. It kinda hurts.
I'm gonna call Rasputin the Healer, my crew's healer, now... I'll post again tomorrow... If I can...
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*If you have to ask why clowns are on there, you shouldn't be reading this.
Dentists are scary. Seriously. They THINK that they are trying to help people. But your teeth are no longer safe when a dentist is around you. One whirr of a drill and your teeth may suddenly be full of holes... or wearing braces... or you may even lose that lovely shade of yellow you've been working on. The difference between dentists and all the other classes is that they see no one as a rival, save for a dentist who sets up a dentistry shop across the street from theirs.
Firemen and Postal Workers, however, hate each other rivaling the hatred of the Ninja/Pirate rivalry.
Postal Workers hate firemen because firemen have a much more exciting lifestyle than them. And firemen hate postal workers because they get more gratitude day-to-day from the common people, especially when the common people get cookies or money in the mail.
A recent epic battle between firemen and postal workers occured last year. More people died in that battle than did the entire American Revolution. It was a good day for all the other classes 'cause, hey, less of those two classes to fight.
I've always rooted for the firemen in that rivalry personally, because, come on. Have you ever seen a firemen? Darth Vader was based of a firemen. Darth Vader is the single most scariest person... EVER.
Postal Workers have always seemed lame to me, especially since they have to convince the world that they'll deliver whenever. "Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail shall keep the postmen from their appointed rounds." That should be OBVIOUS, and you shouldn't have to state it.
Hold on, I just received a letter from a mysterious person named "The PWG". Just give me a sec.
...
...
...
...
Ok, apparently, "The PWG" stands for "The Postal Workers Guild." They just sent me a booby-trapped letter that severed three of my major arteries using really sharp paper. It kinda hurts.
I'm gonna call Rasputin the Healer, my crew's healer, now... I'll post again tomorrow... If I can...
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*If you have to ask why clowns are on there, you shouldn't be reading this.
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