Omar the Bold

There's a guy in my crew, Omar the Bold, who hates me for some reason. His weapon of choice is a large Uber-Sword, just for some clarification.

Omar does the most for our crew. He kills the most, he cleans the ship the most, and he cooks the most. Good food, too. But only him and I seem to notice that.

For example, yesterday the crew attacked a robotics factory. Omar destroyed the main processing unit in the heat of the battle, getting scorched from the electricity that arced up his aforementioned weapon.

Afterward, Soren the Hard-Of-Hearing-Scribe asked the crew, "Who destroyed that processing unit?" Wanting Omar to stop hating me, I said, "Omar the Bold did!" Soren looked up, squinted at who talked, and, seeing me, said

"Ah, Olaf the Bald! You truly are an example to all vikings everywhere. You shall forever be in our records forever! You might want to kick that speaking in third person habit, though." I tried to explain that I said Omar's name, not mine, but at that moment the crew mobbed me, congratulating me and calling for a feast. I was lifted upon their shoulders, but Omar sat on the side, glaring at me. Chieftain Gregory the Hairy saw Omar not congratulating me and yelled, "And you're cooking it, Omar!" A few hours of partying later, we had a feast in my honor. Who was I to stop the festivities, you know? Gregory told Omar to clean up the party around 1:00 in the morning, so the rest of the crew could go to sleep and get ready for the attack the nest day.

I don't know why he hates me. I just don't know.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Headrests

As I have mentioned before, vikings use a variety of weapons. But there is one weapon engineered during the 19th century that tops all others. And judging by the title, I'm sure you guessed by now what it is: a Headrest.

Now, I know what you're thinking: Is Olaf on drugs? No, I can honestly say. Listen to why headrests are the best weapon, for these reasons:

1.) They're pointy on one end. You get stabbed by one of the pointy things, you take hard damage. Hard.

2.) They're large and bulky on the other end. Smack someone around with 'em, serious damage is done. Is.

3.) They're really easy to find. Just go find a car, yank one of them out, and BAM-O! Instant weapon, baby.

4.) They give your opponents false hope. For some reason, non-vikings think that headrests aren't that scary. So they start laughing when they see a big, burly viking swinging a headrest, they laugh. And can't stop. That gives YOU the chance to bash their head in. And not stop.

The thing is, most vikings don't call Headrests (the most scientifically awesome weapon ever) their weapon of choice for several reasons. For one thing, since its so powerful, it becomes less of a challenge to destroy your enemies, and vikings love a challenge. Another reason is that most vikings who use headrests (like Phil the Conceited in MY crew), are all egotistic posers who think they're Thor's gift to vikings. They're all like, "oh, yeah, check it out, dork, headrests are my weapon-of-choice, loser, yeah..."

Those people make me want to bash their head in with MY weapon of choice, the Nun-chucks. Twice.

I gotta go. I'm trying to get a Weapon Of Choice Change (WOCC) approved by Gregory the Hairy. he won't let me change to the headrest weapon of choice, since we already have a Headrest wielder in our crew, and we don't have another nun-chuck wielder.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Whiteness

You know what color (among others) really bugs me? White. I hate it. For multiple reasons, all of which I shall explain.

For one reason, I hate ninjas. And ninjas wear white. Wait, you may ask. Ninjas wear black. Au contraire, that's a ninja lie. Ninjas might tell you "Oh, yes, its colored from the blackness from a dragon's heart" or other crap like that. LIES! Ninjas wear a color so blindingly white that your eyes automatically 'Censor' the color, making it appear black to a normal person's eyes. We vikings, however, eat carrots with everything. So we can see ninja clothes without getting blinded. What now, suckers!

Another reason why vikings hate the color white is because Dentists wear white. Not as pure a white as a ninja, but enough to make evan the most solid viking scream in fear. Just one flash of white in a viking village will cause all people in the village to throw candy out the windows, in hopes of scaring the dentist away. Sometimes, however, a ninja will walk just like a dentist into a village, causing the vikings to throw candy to the ninja, thinking he's a dentist. The ninja is then energized, and then completely destroys the village. Ouch. That's a sad time.

Clowns also wear white, but mostly on their face. That's enough for most people, though. Usually, when a viking meets a clown, he just cuts off his face so he doesn't have to look at the whiteness. But, you know how that is.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

John the Profuse

The points I'd like to make today are best told through a viking children story.

"Once upon a time, there was a young viking child named John the Profuse. One day, he frolicked away from his viking village and got completely lost. Wandering around in a nearby forest, he stumbled upon a witch* fighting a centaur**.

'Have at ye, witch!' The centaur yelled, shooting an arrow at her.

'Cackle!' cackled the witchm shooting a fireball at the centaur.

John, watching with interest, saw the centaur dodge the fireball and hit the witch in the head with an arrow. The witch merely laughed, however, and said, 'The only way to kill a witch, Mr. Centaur, is to hit me with an arrow imbued with the magic power of Udt Spi, then have it taken to the fires at Mt. Mood, and coating it with the Jaganium found there. You would have then taken it to an Old Man named Gary residing in the town of Kutania, and has him lick it two times. You then would have killed a Dire Slug, and coated the arrow with two parts of its blood and three parts of its slime. Taking it back to Udt Spi, he would have sent you to the old man on top of hill 5, and he would have reassembled its atoms into the final product of witch-killing arrow, which you obviously don't have.'

The centaur, taking careful notes, reached into his quiver and, selecting an arrow, fired it right next to the other arrow inside the witch's head. The witch screamed, yelling "How on earth did you get a magical, imbued, sanctioned, Jaganium-coated, licked by Gary, slu-covered, reassembled layered arrow?" She then died.

The centaur, grinning his head off, said "Glad I did that sidequest!"

Two seconds later, John had bashed the centaur's head in with a rock. After taking all of the centaur's and witch's supplies and weapons, like a good viking would, he wandered out of the forest and found his village a few hours later.

Moral A: Never tell your opponent how to defeat you.
Moral B: Run away from home often; you have adventures.
Moral C: Always, always do side quests. "

That story is actually based on a true one. A viking child named John the Profuse discovered the way to defeat witches by watching the fight between one and a centaur. Its also why there are so few witches left alive today. We vikings wiped 'em out with some magical, imbued, sanctioned, Jaga... never mind.

As an added benefit for you almost-vikings, you now know how to kill a witch if you ever meet up with one.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!


*A wrinkly, warty old woman with magical powers. Live in candy houses. Almost extinct.

**A Manhorse. A natural proficiency with archery. Clippity cloppity.

Modern

The most horrible thing about technology today is what it does to vikings. Just yesterday, the crew of the Bloodhound and I were pillaging a nunnery when suddenly, Erik the Noisy's cell phone went off. "Sorry, I have to take this," He apologized. So the nuns froze in the positions they were in, and we froze in the position we were in (so as to continue right where we left off), and we waited. And waited. TWENTY WHOLE MINUTES we waited, while Erik talked about stock option! When he finally finished, we unfroze and started up again, everyone shooting dirty looks at Erik, including some of the nuns. But that's probably because he was slicin' em up with his uber-sword. You know how it is.

For years, vikings have tried not to get caught up with technological advances. But every day, a viking gets a cell phone, a viking buys a laser hammer, of someone gets Wi-Fi for their ship. Its horrible.

Its especially horrible when a viking ship gets a motor. It's wimpish, its completely anti-viking, and if your ship relies on rowers while your enemy's got a motor, you're done.

One cheap thing Vikings with motors do is aim for their enemy's ship, put it on trawl, lethargically spin their oars, and sleep. The normal viking ship, powered by 100% VP (viking power), looks back and sees their enemy pumping hard to catch up. They figure that by the time the Motor vikings catch up, they'll be as tired as they, since both ships are pumping their rowing arms hard. Of course, the well-rested, motorized boat catches up, and the normal viking ship is defeated since they're all so tired from rowing.

Vikings with motors on their ships are pansies. It's the only way to put it. What viking doesn't enjoy a good, fair fight with both sides tired from rowing all day?

Its like that movie, Red vs. Blue (Viking Edition) where it shows a fight between two viking tribes:

Blue Viking: attack... (sighs in pain, rubs his arms)

Red Viking: bring it on... (is stretching paionfully)

Blue Viking: i will... (fumbles with his sword stiffly)

Red Viking: urg... (drops his ax. Both vikings turn to look at it.)

Blue Viking: flip this... (topples backwards over the side of the ship. Shows him sleeping on the way down into the water.)

Red Viking: yaaaay... (topples over a dead viking on the deck, and lands on a sword.)


I got to go. Chieftain Gregory the Hairy wants me to go clean his new 60 hp boat motor. It's all bloody from where me mowed down our enemy tribes' warriors after we blasted them out of their ship with one of our grenade-launchers.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

CVU

An almost-viking named Slider the Slighted (see the comments for 'My Origin') wishes to know the entrance requirements for CVU. Very well, then.

1.) You must graduate High School with an average GPA of 1.00 or lower. This is a challenging task, as you need to be so smart, you know the answers so you can get them wrong.

2.) You must get a zero on all major tests, like the SAT, ACT, and IDC. This is challenging, if not more so than requirement #1.

3.) You must wear nothing but a Viking Uniform for a full week, and you can't take it off. Shower in it, eat in it, dance in it, go on a date in it, they don't care. Just wear it for 168 hours.

4.) Gain a kick-butt viking name. My name, Olaf the Bald, isn't too kick-butt. However, its better than someone I once knew, Nicholas the Sharkbait.

5.) Get a weapon. Common misconception about vikings is that we only use hammers, axes, and the occasional uber-sword. Oh, no. ANYTHING that can be used for a weapon, is used by a viking, as long as it can wildly be swung arounf as a melee weapon without killing yourself. Take my Nun-Chucks, for instance.

6.) Hate with a passion all Ninjas, Pirates, Robots, Firemen, etc. Unless, of course, you're cool with them. Then its ok... to have a temporary* ally.

7.) Take the Viking Pledge.

I pledge my (insert weapon of choice here)

To the Viking Nation, which is known as Norway,

And to the Death, which surely awaits me,

I am a Viking, here me roar,

and Doom and Destruction for all.

That's pretty much it for the CVU entrance requirements.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

*Temporary

Pirates

SO, apparently, people are confused about what different properties separate the average pirate with the average viking. Well, then! I'll explain for you imbeciles. Here are some of the many differences.

1.) Pirates wear funny hats (as opposed to intimidating): Those tri-pointed, american colony, doofus hats are just simply not built for intimidation. I mean, sure, if you saw that hat on someone like Paul Revere, you'd be scared, but only because he's dead. And seeing a dead dude is scary on any account. Viking hats, however, are made from the dead parts of BEASTS! And they have horns! Mess with a viking, get the horns.

2.) Pirates have a Code: The code of pirates is a very well-unthought-out plan. I can only imagine what they were thinking: "Let's create a code that only pertains to us, but every other person in the world, it doesn't apply to!" A favorite way for a viking to kill a pirate is this: call parley, and while the pirate is readying his barterin' supplies, slice his head off. Boo-yah.

3.) Pirates use guns: Guns? Seriously? Thats just screaming, "I'm too lazy to walk over to you and cut your fingers off."

4.) Pirates are sell-outs: Pirates of the Carribean? The Pirates who Don't Do Anything? Pirates of Penzance? Vikings were approached first to do that junk, but we turned it down.

5.) Pirates have booty: Not going to touch this one.

6.) Pirates are Copycats. Vikings were diggin the bearded look years before pirates hit. Heck, Blackbeard copied his look from the Great Viking Chief Harold the Gray (it was a joke name given to him by his kids, as he had one nasty long gray hair in one of his eyebrows. It stuck. His beard of black was mighty impressive, though.) And, before the first recorded Viking-Pirate encounter, pirates were attacking coastal villages from land. When they saw Vikings plunder in style on their boats, they were building boats too.

Thats all I can think of off the top of my head for why pirates stink. And so...

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

My Origin

SO, some of you may have been wondering about my kick-butt avatar. It is truly a wonderful interpretation of me, drawn by Hagar the Not-So-Horrible (For some odd reason, people think his representation of himself in his comic strip is accurate. Well, its not. He's actually skinny, scared of everything, and the only thing he's ever killed is a fly. Once. On Accident.)

Anyway, You may wonder why I am carrying Nun-Chucks, why I appear to have some hair sticking out from underneath my helmet even though, my name is 'the Bald,' and why I look so kick-butt awesome. So I'll tell you.

After I had graduated from CVU, learned how to use a Battle Ax from the Dean of the University, Leif the Armless, stolen my rival's woman, Helen (who I later dumped), and killed my rival, there was only one thing left to do to become a full-fledged viking: Gain an enemy's weapon through battle. Considering the fact that my rival, Harry the Pacifist, carried no weapon for some odd reason, I was out of luck for looting his body for his weapon. Leif the Armless suggested I join a ship, go kill some things, and finish my last requirement. I joined with the ship Flowerbutt, which was full of strapping vikings and almost-vikings (like myself). The crew of the Flowerbutt named my surname 'the Bald', as I have been cursed with a lack of facial hair since my youth.

Our crew of 37 decided to go attack a monastery full of Monks just off the coast. As it came into sight, two black shapes fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the deck. Two ninjas stood up. One said something in japanese. The other said, "Way to keep up the stereotype that all ninjas are Japanese, Bob." Ninja Bob muttered, "Sorry."

Next thing I knew, 2 shruikens had zipped their way through 16 of our viking brethren. My luck had it that a shruiken would hit Mendel the 'Ate-A-Full-Grown-Bull-That-One-Time', whom I was standing behind. BAM! I was squashed by a 634-pound bloody viking.

The remaining twenty of our viking brethren (I was 21) leapt at the closest Ninja, who had pulled out a Bo Staff. Through my vantage point underneath the folds of fat, I saw 20 vikings die. The ninja, missing an arm and two ears, fell lifeless, due to loss of blood.

Ninja Bob, who had pulled out a pair of Nun-Chucks, arrived too late to save his comrade. Sighing, he began to loot the viking's weapons. Turning and seeing Mendel, he exclaimed "There's my shruiken!"

Suddenly, I needed to sneeze. REALLY bad. You don't even know. My arm, holding my battleax, was sticking out from underneath Mendel. The ninja stepped over it and grabbed the shruiken out of Mendel's chest. "Ew, viking blood..." He muttered.

I sneezed.

I will not go into a graphic description. I will not describe what happens when an involuntary arm movement thrusts an ax right between someone's legs. I won't go there.

One day later, the dread viking ship Bloodhound, heading for the monastery, discovered the Flowerbutt. Finding the battle, a ninja with an ax inside of him, and a hungry, thirsty, squashed viking attached to the ax, the vikings decided to induct the aforementioned viking into their crew. After being rescued, I took Ninja Bob's Nun-Chucks and began to train in a technique I call "Wildanceamancer", which is a deadly double attack involving Nun-Chucks and a Battle Ax.

And, so this is the story of how I became a viking. Oh, one more thing: When the captain of the Bloodhound, Chieftain Gregory the Hairy asked me what my name was, I told him I was called 'Olaf the Ninja-Slayer.' Giving me a long look, he said, "Well, forget that name! You have no beard! You shall forever be known as Olaf the Bald from now on!"

*sigh*

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

First Post part 3

This Post was originally titled 'Sorry about the Overflow'

So, Yeah. You might be wondering if I, Olaf the Bald, will be posting so many times a day.

The answer is NO.

Today was my first day doing this, and despite my rebellious rebellion against Gergory the Hairy, I actually am enjoying this. Its as fun as watching a Dire Elk smash a Ninja in the skull with its butt. he he he... classic.

You may be wondering some things. If so, email your wonderings to me if they pertain to me. If they don't, go ahead and send them anyway. I don't care.

"There once was a Pirate who thought he was better than a Ninja. He went up and challenged the ninja to a duel. The ninja brutally slaughtered the pirate using a thousand different techniques, including the Sword of a Thousand Lights attack, the Double-Fisted Monkey Style Punch, and 'I Just threw Pepper in your Eye hahaha' Kick. While the Ninja laughed, a Viking snuck up and tapped him on the shoulder. When the ninja turned, the viking smashed in his face with a hammer. Two minutes later, the viking was eaten alive by the ninja's ghost.
MORAL: Never kill a ninja without sprinkling Anti-Ghost serum on him first." A fable by Wayoog the Wise.

Tomorrow, I'm going to be posting a long story about my origin. Just thought I'd let you know.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

First Post part 2

This post was originally titled 'K, I'm back, and continuing from where I left off'

OH.

MAN.

You don't even know how epic that raid was. I was all runnin' in with my battle ax, whappin' monks heads off with my Nun-Chucks, choppin the childrens... it was great.

The only sour note was when Frederick the Jolly got pwned by a robot in a Monk disguise. Luckily, George the Yellow did his thing, and you know how robots react to acidic liquids in their system: fizzle fizzle BOOM!

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes...

We actually need more people to undertake the challengin path of the Viking, since more and more people each day are going to Ninja college or Pirate U or even CLown academy, instead of coming to good old CVU. Less Vikings are a good thing, since you don't have to share your plunder with as many other people. The bad thing about having less vikings is that you're less likely to get spoils in the first place. After all, you need at least 20 vikings to kill one Ninja, and that's with an estimated survival rate of .01% for each Viking. SO... you need a lot of Vikings. Poor class of 1987 only had 19 graduating members, and when their ship met up with a Ninja, they were mercilessly slaughtered. Moment of Silence, please.



OK! So, take up the pledge! Start the path to be a Viking... Today! I'll be here to be your mentor, and rant about about random Viking things when I'm not off slaughtering defenseless people.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

First Post

FIRST POST, NOOBS! No seriously, I, Olaf the Bald, have sumpin' to say. Notice how there's a Pirate vs. Ninja internet rivalry? A Robot vs. Clown internet rivalry? A Fireman vs. Dentist rivalry?

Notice what's not up there? VIKINGS. Vikings are the unheralded heroes of the seventh age, and I, Olaf the Bald, am here to declare a rivalry: Vikings vs. EVERY-FLIPPIN'-BODY-ELSE. Bring it on, you Ninjas and Robots and Dentists! Vikings are in DA HOUSE!

I was approached by Cheiftain Gregory the Hairy to start a blog to increase awareness for the viking as an internet icon. But in order to help the non-viking understand exactly what a viking is, I, Olaf the Bald, have composed a list of exactly what the requirements are to become a viking.

1.) You must have taken the six-year course at CVU (Central Viking University). Remember, vikings don't pass, they take.
2.) You must be able to wildy swing a weapon around.
3.) You must have taken the weapon of a dead enemy.
4.) You must have taken someone's woman at least once.
5.) You must have killed one thing twice, and in such an obvious way that if a two year old saw the kill afterwards, they would say that you did it.

I g2g, Cheiftain Gregory is leading a raid on a local Abbey and needs my skills. I'll post later tonight.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!