Summer Files: UK 7

Neither of us killed any ninjas today.

Omar the Bold is keeping his own talley at omarhatesolaf.blogspot.com.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Summer FIles: UK 6

I killed nine Ninjas today.



Omar killed two.



He's keeping his own talley at omarhatesolaf.blogspot.com.



Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Summer Files: UK 5

I killed an even one hundred today.

Omar didn't kill any again.

He's keeping his own talley at omarhatesolaf.blogspot.com.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Summer Files: UK 4

I killed nineteen Ninjas today.

Omar killed one hundred, seventy two thousand, give or take two.

He's keeping a talley at his blog too, omarhatesolaf.blogspot.com.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Summer Files: UK 3

I killed 45 Ninjas today.

Omar didn't kill ANY!*

HA HA!

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

*He's keeping his own talley at omarhatesolaf.blogspot.com

Summer Files: UK 2

For this trip, it was just going to be Omar and I. Gregory made us both promise to not spend time blogging for the trip, but merely type out how many Ninjas we killed, and if we needed asistance or something. See, the whole purpose of the trip was to see how many Ninjas two VIkings could kill within a week. So, here's my count for today:

23 Ninjas killed.

That sucker Omar only killed one! He's keeping a talley on his blog, too. omarhatesolaf.blogpsot.com. Check it out.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Summer Files: Post Dentists AKA UK 1

Well, after surveying the damage done by the Dentists, of whom I killed around 507,652 of them*, Gregory the Hairy declared that we had done the best we could do. All the main characters gathered together, and Gregory told Omar and I that it was time:

We were going to the UK.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

*Take that, CHAD**!

**Chad was a commenter during the 'Summer Files: Hawaii' story arc. Check his comment out.

Summer Files: Dentists 2

Well, nothing interesting happened today in our battle to the death with Vikings until Phil the Conceited got braces put on him.

"MY BEAUTIFUL SMILE!" He cried as he sunk to his knees. "I LOOK LIKE A DORK!"

Soren the Hard-of-Hearing Scribe, the oldest guy here, tried to drag Phil to Rasputin the Healer, but he was mercilessly DENTURED by those cruel, cruel Dentists. Omar cried to me, "ONLY YOU CAN TAKE THEM TO RASPUTIN! GO! GO!" I grabbed the two fallen vikings and tried to drag them a few feet, but the next thing I knew, there was a red liquid squirting down my back. I turned around to see Omar, his sword dripping with the said liquid.

"AH HA HA!" He screamed. "I HAVE FINALLY KILLED YOU!"

"No, you didn't," I said, pointing behind him. "You missed his vitals."

Omar turned around to see a particularly large dentist with several Omar-stab wounds in him. With a bone-crunching crunch, Omar was pulverized by the large dentist's large toothbrush.

Long story short, the Dentists got the Ale, and now I'm mad at Omar for breaking all the Ketchup packets I glued to my back hair.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Summer Files: Dentists

Yesterday, Gregory the Hairy discovered that a squad of highly trained Dentists were planning on attacking Urbia over the next few days. We rescheduled our Ninja-Hunting Trip, and started working on defences.

Omar the Bold, Soren the Hard-of-Hearing Scribe, Erik the Noisy, Lulu the Loud, George the Yellow, Phil the Conceited, and I were all assigned to guard the Ale. The entire town's ale is kept in a single barn in the middle of jimmy eats world... I mean, of the town.

As we sat, waiting for the Dentist onslaught, Omar did something rather odd. OH, have I mentioned he has a blog, too? Its omarhatesolaf.blogspot.com. I LOVE how he put his name, and then put a bunch of random letters at it. Priceless! Its like Xkcd! ANyway, he did something odd.

I was looking right at him. He looked at me, and then looked past me. I turned around to see Phil massaging his Headrest. That wasn't anything new, so I turned back around to look at Omar. He was raising his huge sword above his head as though he was preparing to stab me.

He stabbed.

I easily deflected the blade with the chain of my Nun-Chucks, and calmly told him, "Watch where you swing that thing."

Omar became infuriated, I assume, because it was too much of a blow to his ego that I corrected him. He yelled at me, "PHIL! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DISTRACT HIM SO I COULD KILL HIM AND BLAME IT ON THE DENTISTS LATER!" I was honestly expecting something like, "DON'T CORRECT ME!" but the poor guy had obviously lost his mind and thought I was Phil. In order to make him remember who I was, I bashed him in he head with my Nun-Chucks.

"Distract him yourself," Phil said conceitedly, making out wih the Headrest.

It was at that point that we were attacked by the Dentists. Erik fell first, his teeth a brilliant shade of pearly white. Screaming, Lulu dove onto him to protect him, but her teeth got cleaned as well. I quickly tied George to the two unconscious Vikings and told him that a big monster was coming to eat him. George ran screaming away, dragging both of the Dentisted Vikings to Rasputin the Healer, who George always runs to when he's scared, since Rasputin is also George's therapist.

Anyway, Omar woke up at this point. To make sure that he wasn't still crazy, I leaned over in his face, swinging my Nun-Chucks in a circle and killing Dentists left and right, and yelled, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"

"DIE!" Omar screamed, quickly trying to throttle me. I knocked him out once again and continued fighting.

The dentists soon decided it was time for a Taffy break, so they left us for the next day. The remaining four Vikings... Me, Omar, Soren, and Phil ... decided to take a well-earned rest.

Dentist's corpses are rather comfortable pillows.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

News Regarding '09 Schedule: Summer Files: Dentists .5

Earlier this Summer, I told you about my Ninja-Hunting trip in Ireland from the 23rd to the 25th. I also told you that I had Bard Camp to the end of summer, starting on the 29th. Well, there's been some additions and some changes to this Viking's schedule;

Something happened to me today that made me need to reschedule the Ninja-Hunting trip in Ireland to the next week, starting on the 25th and ending on the 2nd of August. The thing that happened today, I'll explain what happened tomorrow. So , recap!

23rd-25th: Thing that happened today that made me reschedule.
25th-2nd: Ninja-Hunting trip in UK (oh yeah, I forgot to mention, its not just in Ireland anymore.)
And I'm starting Bard Camp a week later than I'm supposed to; I'm starting that on the 3rd. AND, I'm trying out for the All-Viking Soccer team that week. JOY!

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Torches

ALL RIGHT! I have added yet another accessory/arsenal addition to my Viking uniform.

For those who don't remember, here's what I had before today:

WOC: Nun-Chucks
Back-Up WOC: Machete
Helmet: Duct Tape Monstrosity
Shades: Shades
Mouth: Fake Wooden Pipe
Weapon No One is supposed to know about since vikings don't use ranged weapons: Shlingshot.

The new thing I've added is something so freaking sweet, its sweet. Its a Tiki Torch!

I mean, just imagine: You're walking down a dark street in the dark town of Urbia. Suddenly, three pirates jump out of nowhere and scream, "I GONNA KILL YOU!"

You look at them.

You light your torch.

You point it at them.

You thrust it into yourself.

"NINJAS CAN'T CATCH YOU IF YOU'RE ON FIRE!" you sing.

I take no credit for discovering that interesting fact. I believe it was a Doctor who discovered it, a doctor named .... Hastings.

You then promptly trounce on them. So sweet.

The only problem is that I can't figure out how to carry it, the fuel for it, AND a lighter without seriously hampering my movement.

Any suggestions?*

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

*Oh right. No one reads this blog, so they can't give suggestions, either.

Stupid License

Like every other stupid person on this stupid planet, I have to stupidly pass my stupid driver's test to get my stupid licence. And wouldn't stupid you know it? I'VE FAILED EVERY SINGLE STUPID ONE!

Now, stupid vikings don't have to REALLY get stupid Driver's lisences, they have to get stupid Vikings Licences. That gives you the stupid permission to stupidly drive a stupid boat. And guess what, stupid? I'VE FAILED EVERY SINGLE STUPID ONE!

It all stupidly started when stupid Gregory the Hairy wouldn't let stupid me get my stupid licence before I was Stupid-Teen years old. Once I passed that stupid age, I have failed every single stupid one! I'm stupid, come on!

I have stupidly run through stupid red buoys, run into stupid stop fish, and gotten distracted by a stupid pretty girl, ALL ON MY STUPID VIKING STUPID TEST! The stupid pretty girl distraction happened at LEAST fifteen times, too!

Sigh... I guess, stupidly, of course, that the only good stupid thing that came out of this whole stupid post was that I stupidly set the record for the saying the most Stupid word ever in a stupid blog post. Thirty five stupid times by this stupid sentence!

I guess this stupid post wasn't so stupid after all...

Oops, thirty seven stupid times.

Oops, thirty-eight stupid times.

Oops, thirty-nine stupid times.

Oops, forty stupid times.

Oops, forty-one stupid times.

Oops, forty-two stupid times.

Oops, forty-three stupid times.

Oops, forty-four stupid times.

Oops, forty-five stupid times.

Oops, forty-six stupid times.

Oops, forty-seven stupid times.

Ooops, forty eight stupid times.

Oops, forty-nine stupid times.

ARGH!

OLAF THE STUPID BALD!*

*Oops, fifty-one stupid times.

Subordinates

I was reading through comments my posts have received, and I stumbled upon this one, posted by 'I was once on Fire!' on the 'Summer Files: Hawaii 5' post:

Do you have not-main-character vikings under your command, Olaf-the-Bald? Does Omar?

Do you have to recruit your own subordinates? Are they actually vikings? Do you have to be born viking to be a viking, or can you turn people into vikings, like vampires turn people into vampires or werewolfs turn people into werewolfs?

Also, are they partially fish-sticks?

He then posted this comment right underneath it:

Are you allergic to your fish-stick-flavoured subordinates?

Now, despite the fact that good ol' Firey has been a die-hard fan since day 17*, he obviously hasn't been paying attention. There are eight main characters in this blog: Me, Omar the Bold, Erik the Noisy, Lulu the Loud, Phil the Conceited, George the Yellow, Soren the Hard-of-Hearing Scribe, and our chieftain Gregory the Hairy. Now, every single one of those main characters report to the eighth main character, Gregory, and Gregory has around forty other vikings who report to him. The rest of us? We just putter along and somehow survive every single bad thing that happens to the rest of the non-main character vikings. Its like Pirates of the Carribean, man!

The only TRUE subordinate I have is Archon the Cat; remember him? From, like, the first twenty posts? And for all those who have cats, you know that a cat is a subordinate to NO ONE. I mean, if he was starving to death, and I asked him to eat some food, he would not eat JUST because I told him to. He stays alive after every encounter, too, though I never mention him, since he usually doesn't show up until two weeks afterward, soaking wet and meowing like the world is ending.

That is all.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

*'Die-Hard Fan' meaning 'Having posted more than five comments,'

Summer FIles: Post Hawaii

WHoo! I'm just now realizing how tired I am! Killing three million people while trying to fight off forty thousand million people at the same time in a space of five days is TIRING!

Man oh man.

Being a Viking is awesome.

Regular posts return tomorrow, and hopefully last the rest of the week!

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Summer Files: Hawaii 5

The competition has ended!

Of the 40,000,000,000 people who entered the competiton, only 50,000,000 are alive. Among that number is, obviously, me, Omar the Bold, Soren the Hard-of-Hearing Scribe, Erik the Noisy, Lulu the Loud, Phil the Conceited, George the Yellow, and Gregory the Hairy. Gregory looked at who was left of his crew and sighed. "This summer has been a killer on recruiting," He muttered. I guess that means he has to go pull around 42 more vikings out of his sleeve or whereever he gets them from whenever our whole crew dies; except for the main characters, who never die, obviously.

Anyway, I think I killed around three million people. That's harder than it sounds. I'm pretty sure I got fifth in the end standings. And I didn't even kill anyone tuesday!

Omar is still sizzling, sadly. Its SUPER hard to understand him, but I think I picked out him saying, "The only reason you didn't die, Olaf, is because, fo some reason, you're under the protection of Thor." But that's a little too specific, so I think I misheard.

Anyway, we're heading home! We should be there tomorrow!

Come to me, Urbia...

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Summer FIles: Hawaii 4

I don't want to type a single sentence today, since my Laptop will be ruined. If I type even ONE sentence, I'll have to get a new laptop, since there will be blood from my kills all over it.

DARN IT!

THERE'S BLOOD ALL OVER MY LAPTOP! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

Better not type "Olaf the BAAAAALD!" either. Could make it worse.

DARN IT!

Summer Files: Hawaii 3

When the day started, the sun found me creeping along the water's edge, snorkeling my way around the perimeter of the islands. I'm pretty sure I got the first kill, since I found some stupid pirate SLEEPING when the clock struck twelve.

He's dead now, if you were wondering.

About halfway through the day, I decided to try something new again. I pulled a body-sized tortilla wrap out of my bag of infinite storage, wrapped my self in it, and laid down.

And I kid you not: Almost nine thousand people fell for it.

Ooops, I made a typo. Almost nine thousand people did NOT fall for it. See, my plan was for hungry people to come up, see food, try to eat, and I choke them to death. NO! Not what happened. They saw the tortilla wrap, and immediately tried to stab it. I had to kill each and every single one the normal way! Twas a good ninja day, though; I had barely seen ANY ninjas the whole time, but I killed over two thousand today.

Oh yeah; one of the nine thousand people who did NOT fall for it was Omar the Bold. He came up and began stabbing it. Since all Vikings made a truce not to kill each other during the competition, I yelled, "OMAR! It's me!" He paused.

"Olaf?" He asked.

"Yep, just trying to get some more kills," I said smugly."Like my trick?"

"YES! YOU'RE ALIVE!" he yelled. What a good friend! He was concerned about whether or not I was alive!

After the outburst, Omar began trying to stab the tortilla wrap again. "What a good thing to talk about in my blog, at omarhatesolaf.blogspot.com! I finally kill Olaf, mexican style!"

AT that precise moment, a huge being surfaced from the waters edge, not fifteen feet away from us. It was Thor.

"AH, I just finished beating up on Poseidon! It was great!" He yelled. Suddenly, he looked down and saw Omar stabbing me repeatedly, since he was obviously suffering from short-term memory loss about my presence.

"NO! HE STILL HAS TO FULFILL HIS DESTINY!" Thor yelled, zapping Omar with with hammer. Omar fell backward, sizzling. Thor looked embarrased.

"Olaf, you are too much trouble to keep alive;" he said, flying up into the air.

No clue what he was talking about.

Anyway, as Omar sizzled like bacon, I was promptly tried to be eaten upon by a few thousand more people. I finally decided that my plan wasn't working, and decided to split from the large pile of bodies that had been built around me. I checked Omar's pulse, and to my relief, he was still alive.

"Good! You're still alive!" I said. "See ya round!"

"I will kill you!" He muttered-shouted.

What a kidder!

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Summer Files: Hawaii 2

Ok, this was SO much more boring yet worth it than yesterday!

So I brought some ketchup with me, right? As the morning dawned and the person in charge of the whole competition, the Ghost of Sir Nick the HP*, the last living** representative of the Knight class in general, shouted the standings, I slathered myself with ketchup and laid down in an inconspicuous spot.

See, my plan was, the ketchup would make it look like I was dead, and when people came up, they'd see I was dead, laugh, kick me, and then I'd slit their throat. Priceless, no?

Well, NO ONE CAME BY THE WHOLE FREAKING DAY! You'd think, with over 40,000 million residents, tourists, and competitors all spread out of the Hawaiian islands, SOMEONE would have come by in the ten hours I laid there! But NO! Not happening, apparently!

Finally, some Ninja dude comes up and sniffs. "Gee, If I could smell anything over the smell of that ketchup, I could tell whether or not that Viking is really dead! SOMEONE is using TOO MUCH KETCHUP ON THEIR FRIES!" The last sentence, the Ninja yelled really loudly.

At that exact moment, Omar the Bold comes out of some bushes and sees the Ninjas standing over me. "YOU K-ES-ER!" he yelles.

"K? S? Er?" The ninja confusedly asked. "Wazzat mean?"

"KILL STEALER!" Omar yelled. "I HAVE HATED THIS GUY FOR YEARS, I HAE PLANNED HIS DEATH SO MANY TIMES, AND JUST WHEN I HAVE HIM IN MY GRASP, YOU KILL HIM!"

Omar is SUCH a good actor. Pretending he wanted to kill me! Ha!

Anyway, I could tell Omar was in trouble, so I was about to stab the ninja for him with my machete when all of a sudden, Omar dove toward the Ninja, yelling something about wanting to kill the one who killed me. I just LOVE it when people try to avenge my death, as a friend!

Anyway, so the Ninja and Omar ran off, and I laid there until the now, still waiting. No-one came by, so I decided to try going about the same way I did monday tomorrow. Oh, Sir Nick announced that around 10,000 million have been slaughtered so far.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

*IF you don't know what that stands for, you need to die. Come down to Hawaii this week.

** I guess you really can't call him LIVING...

Summer Files: Hawaii

July 13th-17th: Week-Long 'Jousting' tournament created by the Knights a few thousand years back, where all the main classes and minor classes get together and have a huge 'Demolition Derby," only instead of cars in a dinky baseball stadium, its millions of people across five miles by five miles over the one spot on earth where you get the five environments in one place: Hawaii. The trick is, you can't kill anyone and have the Hawaiians or tourists find out. Otherwise, you're disqualified, and disqualification means death.

That's what I told you about what I'm doing this next week, in the 'Summer' post of June. Gregry the Hairy woke us up so INCREDIBLY early that we were sleep-rowing all the way from Greenland to Hawaii.

When we got there, we had to go sign in. I became Contestant #1,987,423, which, as you can tell by the small number, we were some of the earliest participants to arrive. After signing in, the entire crew split, separating themselves from the est of everyone else, as this is an individual competition. For some reason, as we split, Omar the Bold looked over at me, yelled, "Have your readers check out my blog!"***** He then made a threatening, stabbing gesture with his overly large sword. Wonder we he did that. About two hours later, the rest of the 40,000 million contestants had signed in, the volcano had been blown,* and it was time.

Since the start of the battle, I have kept a running record on how many people I've killed. Here's how I've done:

Major class kills:

Ninjas: 3 kills.

Pirates: 1,234 kills.

Samurai: 0 kills.**

Clowns: 5 kills.

Robots: 2,000 even.***

Dentists: 0 kills.****

Firemen: 16 kills.

Postal Workers: 13 kills.

It's been a good day for hunting. OH! And I killed around a million Minor class representatives, including fifteen thousand Environmentalists. They may have some representable power, but good fighters they do not make.

Since killing over a million people JUST using the Wildanceamancer attack gets a little boring, I've created some... TRICKS... I can use to get some people, just for some entertainment.

HOw come I have time to blog during a non-stop education? Easy. Beatin' people off with my left hand, typing with my right.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

*How we signify the competition has started.

**I saw around a hundred at different times standing at random places, but I wasn't about to kill one, for fear of their ghosts eating my soul.

*** I like leaving some alive, so that way they can reproduce and make more fun kills for later. For some wierd reason, I just love the way they spazz and flutter after dying.

**** Did you know there's a shortage of dental workers all over the world right now?

***** omarhatesolaf.blogspot.com

Hooking Up

Despite Lulu the Loud's dating Erik the Noisy, we're still good friends, too.

She has more connections to people in her cell phone than even Erik the Noisy does, for clarification for what I'm gonna say next.

Yesterday, she comes up to me and asks, 'Do you know Selena the Foreign?'

Heck, of course I did! She was in my freshmen science, social studies, and english classes at CVU! She was a cheerleader, and everyone loved her. She was pretty amazing. However, do to my incredible nerdyness, we never really talked.

"Yeah, I know OF her, but I don't really KNOW her," I said.

"Well, we're good friends, and we were talking a few days ago, and she said, 'I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. I wish I could date someone nice.' And I thought, gee, look, Olaf! He's nice!"

"What, not me?" Soren the Hard-of-Hearing Scribe yelled, dropping from the ceiling.

"What, not me?" George the Yellow yelled, running out of the bathroom.

"What, not me?" Phil the Conceited yelled, running away from a mirror toward us.

"What, not me?" Gregory the Hairy yelled, running into the room through a wall.

"What, Olaf's not nice at ALL!" Omar the Bold cried, doing a double-back-flip summersault throught the door.

"You're too old, you're too nervous, all you do is talk about yourself, you're MARRIED, and you're just jealous of Olaf's niceness," Lulu said in quick succession to each of the yellers in order.

"Oh yeah," the first four yellers said, going back out the way they came.

"No I'm not," Omar said. Lulu smacked him in the face with her mace, which is her WOC (weapon of choice).

"Um, ok," I said, bring Lulu back to where we were.

"So I showed her a picture of you I have on my cell phone, and she thought you were pretty cute."

"How old a picture do you have of me?" I suspiciously asked, since Lulu hadn't taken a picture of me EVER, as far as I knew.

"I had this one!" she said, holding her camera up for me to see. I looked and saw a baby picture of me.

"No wonder she thought my ugly mug was cute; What baby's isn't?" I said disgustedly. "When did you even get that?"

"You had a copy under your pillow," Lulu replied. I had forgotten about that; I believe in osmosis, and I thought I might be more youthful If I kept a baby picture near me while I slept.

"But... she's a little too good for me, isn't she?" I said suspiciously.

"Bull Honkey!" She said. "You're fairly attractive ..."

"Yeah right..." I muttered.

"... And very sweet. That's all she's looking for." Lulu said.

"Whatever."

"Is it ok if I give her your number?" Lulu asked.

"I don't have a cell phone," I said. "REAL vikings don't have cell phones."

Lulu glared at me with a feminine glare; you know the one.

"OK!" I gasped. "You know it already."

So, Lulu is trying to hook me up with Selena the Foriegn. She's pretty amazing too, if I haven't already said that.

Don't know how long its gonna take, but in reality, I kinda like someone else, though if Selena beats them to the punch, how can I help that?

No, the person I like is NOT Lulu. I'm not saying that sarcastically, either. It's someone else, one I've never mentioned on the blog before.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Summer Files: Post Bucket

Well, I'm back with the crew of the Bloodhound II. Turns out the land I saw yesterday was, you guessed it, Scandinavia. I washed up right on the shores of CVU, or so I was told.

The last thing I remember was starting to type 'Olaf the BAAAAALD' just as the Kraken I saw smashed me in the back of the head with the rock. Lief the Armless, the Dean of CVU, and all the Almost-Viking Students watched the whole thing. I was washed ashore a few hours later by the sea, and Lief dragged me to the infirmary. According to him, I was mumbling things like, 'Lief said... Omar... VIA... I like pie...' over and over again.

When I came to the next morning, Lief was sitting by my bedside, which is what he always does when I end up at CVU unconscious, which is how I always arrive, if you've noticed.

"Lief! Your bucket experiment worked!" I cried. "If it wasn't for the navigation system breaking down, I would have been here a lot more sooner!"

"What bucket experiment?" Lief bemusedly asked.

"You know! How you wanted to find out if vikings were still effective as individuals on the open sea! Your VIA experiment you chose to send the best Viking ever for!"

Lief shook his head. "Let me guess... Omar the Bold set you up for this, didn't he?"

"Yep!" I said.

Lief shook his head again. "Ok, then, Good Work on behalf of the GYA..."

"It's VIA, you little kidder!" I said.

"... VIA, Olaf the Bald," Lief finished, standing up and heading for the door. "By the way, since your experiment was a success, the VIA is being dissolved, since that was the main purpose behind it."

"I see!" I said excitedly. "Thanks, Lief!"

"Also, can you tell Omar that that was a mighty fine joke?" Lief asked, pausing at the door.

"What joke?" I asked, mystified.

"Just tell him," Lief said, smiling. "And, Olaf...?"

"Yeah?" I asked.

"That lipstick isn't your color," He said, walking out.

Lief gave me a ride back to Urbia in one of the motorboats the students there had stolen from some hapless motorboaters. As I rode up, the Vikings from my good old crew all were jumping up into the air and hollering, happy that they finally knew where I was. Omar the Bold, however, didn't move, staring at me in stunned silence.

"DUDE! That was awesome!" I cried.

"HOW COME YOU'RE NOT DEAD?" He screamed back at me. What a good friend!

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Summer Files: Bucket 5

I SEE LAND!

I ALSO SEE A GIGANTIC KRAKEN HOLDING A ROCK BEHIND ME!

I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW!

DEFINITELY CAN'T KEEP ON TYPING ANY MORE SENTENCES!

BECAUSE IF I DID, THEN I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FINISH UP MY POSTS THE WAY I ALWAYS DO!

LIKE THIS:

Ola

Summer FIles: Bucket 4

Yeah. Still just wandering aimlessly through the Atlantic in a Bucket.

That Monkey from yesterday has horrible taste, too. That lipstick was NO WHERE NEAR my color.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Summer Files: Bucket 3

Nothing exciting happened today, either.

OH! Unless you count the herd of dolphins that attacked me from all sides, ripped my arms off, then poorly reattached them. They MUST have been dolphins, since they had the dorsal fins and everything.

Funny... I don't remember anyone ever telling me that dolphins had multiple, serrated teeth or were terrible doctors. I was always told that had a playful bottlenose and were good doctors.

Anyway, nothing exciting happened today.

OH! Unless you count a huge Monkey the size of a small island popping out of the surface, waving at me, blowing his nose, handing me a small lipstick vial, and disappearing with a large poof of bubbles exciting.

But yeah; Nothing happened today.

OH! Unless you count the alien spaceship that crahsed down into the sea right next to me, aliens climbing out, looking at me, waving, and then turning into fish exciting!

Yeah.

Nothing.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Summer Files: Bucket 2

Quick summary of the events of what is happening this week: Omar the Bold, working for Lief the Armless as an agent of the VIA, came to me and asked that I experiment with a concept in which Vikings don't travel around in ships as groups, but as individuals in small vessels like buckets. This may possibly help the ever-increasing problem of the viking population decreasing.

Well, this is boring.

Absolutely nothing has happened.

Oh, wait! I forgot to mention; my navigation systems that Omar the Bold installed in the Bucket stop working.

How coincidental.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Summer Files: Bucket

As I've told you before, I'm planning on traversing the Atlantic, alone, stuck only in a Bucket, with no weapons or any other distinguishing way of distinguishing me as a distinguished viking.



Now, why am I doing this, you ask? Omar the Bold came up to me just before summer ended and told me he is a member of the VIA, Vikings in Awesomeness, governemental program, headed up by Lief the Armless, who, incidentally, is the leader of ALL the vikings, and Dean of CVU. Anyway, Omar told me that Lief thinks that it would be much more effective and awesome if Vikings split up into individual entities and traveled the world in buckets, no longer working in crews, but individuals. He apparently thinks that this would help the ever-increasing Viking populations, since whole ships keep getting killed with one blow.



Anyway, so here I am. Omar told me not to tell ANYONE at all, since this is a secret mission for the government. SO, apparently, only Omar, Lief, and I know about this, and they asked me, since I 'Am the most exemplerary Vikings ever existed.' Don't know what that means, but it sounds good.



So, here I am. Early this morning, while the crew was asleep, Omar and I snuck out and he sent me off. Now, Vikings usually send ships off by smashing a bottle of Root Beer against it, but I could have sworn Omar was trying to smash the bottle into my head, as opposed to the side of the ship. But in any case, I'm off, and bloggin you using my laptop, which I always carry with me, now.



I'm blog you tomorrow at the same time.



Oh, and One more thing: Omar told me to check out his new blog, and so I invite you to do the same. I, for one, am never going to check his blog, because I might accidentally steal some of his amazingly funny things he says.



The URL is: http://omarhatesolaf.blogspot.com. I like the how he put his name, then a bunch of random letters. Tis an aptly named blog.



Check it out!



Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Viking Novels

Due to my status of official Bard of the Bloodhound II, led by Chieftain Gregory the Hairy, I am still in charge of all creative pursuits brought on by the crew, both individual and group-oriented.

A project I am currently working on is my novel. It's about the direct events after the world ends in 2012, December 27, in fact, where a small band of fighters of varying classes and sub-classes fight an evil, meglomanic dude trying to rule the shattered world with an iron fist.

I have seven main characters, all who join the party at varying times through the novel. They are:

Hurk, a Ninja, leader of the group and has a personal diff with the main evil guy.
Out, a Farmer (minor class), next to join and just disagrees with the main bad guy.
Seaweed, an Atlantean (minor class), third to join and is accidentally brought on through a series of coincidences.
Mary-Kate, a Male Twin Elf, (Not even a class, but a species), who frees the prior three from prison after being jailed by a more minor bad guy. He was named by his mother for one of her favorite actors.
Ashley, Mary-Kate's twin, a Male twin Elf, who has something similiar to the bloodrage in LFGcomic.com.
Slimy, a Mercenary Knight, last of his order, brought forward with a time-travelling accident. He joins originally to kill off a rebellion of the wrong sort, but winds up merging purposes with the main group.
Beauty, a Ninja, who joins the group out of love for Hurk.

Pretty good character list, eh? I think it'll be a top seller within the next two years!

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

VIdeo Games

My favorite video game is a turn-based, first-person, real-time, arcade, rpg, where you represent a band of destined four humans working to save the planet from a bunch of aliens called Zerg and Protoss, who are trying to eradicate the human race because they are being infected with a geometric disease nicknamed 'Denduron.'

It's called, 'Final Marametrycraft Hearts.'

Tis good.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Kids Shows

Blech. All kids shows nowadays are about a wierd dude in a wierd suit singing songs about 'LOVE' and 'PRETTINESS.' It sickens me! But it got me thinking: What would one of those shows be like if it was played live?

You gotta remember three things first: One, the guys in the suits are replaced every five minutes, because if a person stays in one of those suits for longer than five minutes, they go insane. Two, the kids in those shows are replaced every episode, so it doesn't matter if something... HAPPENED to them. And, three, most of the stuff that happens is Ad-Libbed.

Ok, an episode of Barney, Live! This is about ten minutes in, now, and they haven't changed the actors for Braney because its live, you know.

Barney: AND YOU THERE!

Johnny: Me?

Barney: YES YOU! YOUR NEW NAME IS NOW PRETTINESS!

(All the other kids giggle.)

Prettiness: But that's a girlish na...

Barney: WOMAN! DON'T SASS ME!

Prettiness: Yes, Barney...

(All the other kids giggle.)

Barney: WHATCHOO GIGGLIN' FOR? YOU @#&* KIDS NEED TO &$%# %#$@ OR I'M GONNA >*^%!

(Silence for a full fifteen seconds. All the kids start to cry.)

Susie: Barney, those weren't nice words!

Barney: YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HOW I RUN THIS SHOW? HUH? HUH? WELL, TAKE THIS!

(Barney pulls out pencil and makes gun sounds while pointing it at Susie.)

Susie: Ha ha, you big meanie! That won't work on me!

Barney: STUPID %&*%##% KIDS!

(Barney runs off screen. Runs back on with machine gun.)

Barney: *%$# DIE!

(Shoots Susie full of holes.)

Barney: Hows THAT for imagination, kids? I imagined Susie would die, AND SHE DID!

(Kids are still crying.)

Barney: SHUT $%#^& UP!

(Kids are still crying.)

Barney: *&%^%$$*! I SAID SHUT...

(Barney pulls out Broadsword)

Barney: $%#^&...

(Barney jumps into air above kids.)

Barney: UP!

(Barney slices Rover's head off. Kids stop crying, startled.)

Prettiness: You killed Rover AND Susie!

Barney: So? Now we have toys to play with! DEAD BODIES!

(The director comes running on.)

Director: Tim, you need to take a bre...

Barney: I HATE YOU TOO!

(Barney slices the Director's head off. Turns toward Prettiness.)

Barney: Prettiness... Go... get... some... STICKS...

Prettiness: All right...

(Prettiness runs into the clubhouse.)

Barney: Frank, go get some matches...

Frank: Mommy says we're not supposed to play with matches.

Barney: ARGH! STUPID #$%&^* KIDS!

(Barney shoots Frank in the left eye.)

Barney: Clarise... DARLING... you'll get matches for Barney, WON'T YOU?

Clarise: Yes, sir....

(About five more minutes of nauseating activity happens.)

(After the five minutes, you see Susie's, Rover's, The Director's, and Frank's heads all on sticks that are embedded in the ground. In a circle around the sticks, Clarise, Prettiness, Gwen, and Barney are tossing the dead people's bodies around in a circle.)

Barney: See kids? Toys!

Gwen: A BETTER toy is my cell phone.

(Gwen pulls out cell phone.)

Barney: NO CELL PHONES! CELL PHONES WILL CORRUPT YOU BRAIN, JUST LIKE TV!

Gwen: We're on TV right now.

Barney: DIE GWEN DIE!

(Shoots, stabs, cuts, and beats Gwen to death. Cell phone drops to the ground. Prettiness dives for Cell Phone.)

Prettiness: I dialed 911! We're gonna be rescued, Clarise!

(Prettiness gets shot in the right eye.)

Barney: NOW I HAVE TWINS! And for you, Clarise...

(Turns toward Clarise.)

Clarise: I didn't do anything!

Barney: We're gonna learn a song!

Clarise: Ok...

Barney: AND a dance!

Clarise: Ok...

Barney: IF YOU SPIT IN YOU PARENTS' EYES, CLAP YOUR HANDS! That's where you clap your hands, Clarise! Ok, ready? IF YOU SPIT IN YOU PARENT'S EYES, CLAP YOUR HANDS!

(Barney claps hands. CLarise doesn't.)

Barney: When I say dance.... DANCE!

(Begins shooting ground at Clarise's feet. She starts energetically dancing, moving her feet in time with the bullets.)

Barney: THAT'S NOT THE DANCE I TAUGHT YOU!

(Pops a cap in her throat. At that precise moment, a police force comes busting in and tries to halt Barney. Barney is cuttin' heads off, shouting crazily, and shooting everyone. A splatter of blood hits the camera, and you can only hear the shouts of anger and pain from every person present. Screen goes black. Its over.)

So, yeah. That's what I think a Live Kids show would be like. Sickening, isn't it?

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

Shades

So, as you may have noticed over the last hundred-odd posts, I have been slowly gaining a full Viking uniform, with all my added accesories and whatnot. Here's what I can remember without going through the archives:

Helmet: The Duct Tape Monstrosity
Other Head Stuff: Pipe
Weapon A: Nunchaku
Weapon B: Machete
Weapon R*: Father's Battle Ax

Most Vikings come up with their own battle uniform style, and I think I'm only just now beginning to fully come up with an awesome one. So, the next thing I'm adding to my uniform is.... a pair of really sweet shades.

You see, ever since I was a little lad, I've pined away for hours for a cool pair of sunglasses that look sweet on me. There's been only two pairs that truly fit me: The ones I broke at CVU, and the ones I piked off an Actor** today.

When I broke my Shades at CVU, I'd had 'em for a good few years until me and my roommate, Nicholas the Sharkbait, decided to take the Dean's*** shopping cart for a little joyride.

Putting on my shades, the two of us snuck out in the middle of the night and hot-wired it up. Soon, we were puttering along like two dudes in a shopping cart. Which, of course, means it was INCREDIBLY SLOW. So little old me gets an idea.

"Say, Nick," I said coolly. I said it coolly because say every coolly when you wear shades. "Why don't we take this ride over to the big hill on the east side of campus?"

"Because we could roll wildly down the hill, crash into something-or-somebody, and perish in a mteallic death," was his reply.

"What a GREAT way to die!" I cried. "Let's go!"

Taking the cart to the hill, we pushed ourselves to that little dip hills always have and began to coast down. I stuck my hands in the air and yelled, "WHOOO!" Getting caught up in the excitement, Nick yelled, "WHOOO!" We was having a blast, at least until we saw...

"A WATER SPIGOT IN OUR PATH! WE CAN'T STEER AROUND IT BECAUSE SHOPPING CARTS HAVE NO STEERING MECHANISM!" I screamed.

Nick, of course, bailed out, acting like an extremely anti-viking, since all Vikings go down with their ride... I mean, ship. SO, standing up like those Hannah-Barbara cartoon characters do when THEIR ride goes down, I closed my eyes and waited for the blow.

It came.

I lay on the ground, crying my poor eyes out. The shopping cart lay in several places all over the area, busted into a million pieces.... Or, at least, five.

Nick ran up, worry apparent on his face. "Dude, are you allright?" He frantically asked.

"I think it's broken!" I screamed.

"What, what? You arm, your leg, your foot, your head?" He cried.

I sat up. "I thought we already decided that my head IS broken," I said.

"I mean more than usual," He said.

"Oh, ok." I said. I then resumed crying. "NO, NOT ANY OF THOSE!"

"Then what IS?" Nick screamed.

"My shades!" I blubbered, holding up the now two parts.

"Is that it?" Nick said. He then whacked me in the head and took off toward our dorm room. I buried the shades in a place of rest, and was then caught by campus sercurity and taken to Lief, who gave me a stern paddling.****

But anyway, now I have a new pair of Shades. They is awesome.

NOw, for Vikings, you're only allowed to use them for three good reasons.

1.) For surveillance. Ninjas have masks to hide their true appearance, Pirates have beards to hide their true appearance*****, Firemen wear those wierd Darth Vader-Esque masks to hide their true appearance, and Superheroes wear those wierd, black mask things that only go AROUND their eyes. Now, those superhero masks are completely useless to everyone EXCEPT the other characters in the superhero's world. ANyway, I forgot where I was going with this. ANyway, shades are much better, and they add some suspense, like, "OH NO! Will he ever get his shades ripped off and be revealed?" That's why I don't like Wolverine. THERE'S NO SUSPENSE IN HIS COMICS WHATSOEVER! He could be NUKED, and still NOT DIE! The entire time, I'm sittin' there, thinkin, "Ah whatevers, he ain't gonna die anyway, I'm not worried." BORING! Now, SPIDERMAN. SPIDERMAN is suspenseful. He could get stabbed and die like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING. So there's SUSPENSE. The whole time, I'm all like, "AHHHHHHH! He's GONNA DIE!" Even though he never will. But, the difference between him and Wolverine is, at least, that fear is there.

I got side-tracxked moving on. So, first reason is Surveillance, second reason is....

2.) When you need protection for your eyes. When is that, you ask? WHENEVER THERE'S A POSSIBILITY OF SOMETHING STABBING YOU IN THE EYES. When is that, you ask? ALL THE FREAKING TIME.

And, the last one is...

3.) Whenever you want to. That's right, you should of figured out by now that VIkings aren't very selective.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

*Retired

**Even as a Minor Class, Actors are deadly.

***Remember, that's Lief the Armless

****Incidentally, Nicholas the Sharkbait was the rival I mentioned in the early days of the blog, whom I killed and took his woman. Why? Probably because he ditched me this night. Or he ate my pie. I always get my grudges mixed up.

*****Sure, Vikings have beards too******, but we understand that if you really need to, you can shave it, especially for surveillance. And, since Pirates take three weeks to grow out a new beardm, and VIkings can do it in a night.

******Except for me, obviously.

Poll Results: Month 3

All right, the end of the third month! What a long time to write a blog with no readers!

With even less people voting this month, It was easy to fill this out. If you wanna make my life miserable, VOTE ALREADY! Anyway, here are the results:

Which class is the absolute BEST?

Number of Votes: 6

Vikings: 16%
Ninjas: 16%
Pirates: 16%
Clowns: 16%
Robots: 0%
Firemen: 0%
Postal Workers: 16%
Dentists: 16%
Samurai: 0%

This poll was horrible. Ihave a hunch it doesn't reflect the world AT ALL, especially since I KNOW there's robots, firemen, AND samurai still around. Anyway, next poll!

What Top-Ten Minor Class should be the next to asced to classdom?

Number of Votes: 6

Amazons: 16%
Little Kids: 0%
Used Car Salesmen: 0%
Cowboys: 16%
Waiters: 0%
Environmentalists: 32%
Public Relations Officials:
Were-Wolves: 16%
Spartans: 0%
Rock Stars: 0%
Lumberjacks: 16%

As I've said before, it doesn't matter what your opinions were, since the Classes aren't going to change their minds just because some random mortals voted on some dudes' blog. But, once again, I was disappointed in the results.

What Sub-Class are YOU?

Voters: 6

Key: Each 'Sub-Class' is either a full Sub-Class, or a partial. Full: I am a Fighter. Partial: I am a Fighter/Mage.

Fighter: 8%
Ranger: 15.5%
Mage: 15.5%
Bard: 32%
Thief: 8%
Healer: 23%

And, that wraps up this month's polls. For the fourth month, there's only going to be one poll:

WHO SHOULD ASCEND TO BE THE TENTH CLASS?

Amazons, or Little Kids?

Olaf the BAAAAALD!