Shades

So, as you may have noticed over the last hundred-odd posts, I have been slowly gaining a full Viking uniform, with all my added accesories and whatnot. Here's what I can remember without going through the archives:

Helmet: The Duct Tape Monstrosity
Other Head Stuff: Pipe
Weapon A: Nunchaku
Weapon B: Machete
Weapon R*: Father's Battle Ax

Most Vikings come up with their own battle uniform style, and I think I'm only just now beginning to fully come up with an awesome one. So, the next thing I'm adding to my uniform is.... a pair of really sweet shades.

You see, ever since I was a little lad, I've pined away for hours for a cool pair of sunglasses that look sweet on me. There's been only two pairs that truly fit me: The ones I broke at CVU, and the ones I piked off an Actor** today.

When I broke my Shades at CVU, I'd had 'em for a good few years until me and my roommate, Nicholas the Sharkbait, decided to take the Dean's*** shopping cart for a little joyride.

Putting on my shades, the two of us snuck out in the middle of the night and hot-wired it up. Soon, we were puttering along like two dudes in a shopping cart. Which, of course, means it was INCREDIBLY SLOW. So little old me gets an idea.

"Say, Nick," I said coolly. I said it coolly because say every coolly when you wear shades. "Why don't we take this ride over to the big hill on the east side of campus?"

"Because we could roll wildly down the hill, crash into something-or-somebody, and perish in a mteallic death," was his reply.

"What a GREAT way to die!" I cried. "Let's go!"

Taking the cart to the hill, we pushed ourselves to that little dip hills always have and began to coast down. I stuck my hands in the air and yelled, "WHOOO!" Getting caught up in the excitement, Nick yelled, "WHOOO!" We was having a blast, at least until we saw...

"A WATER SPIGOT IN OUR PATH! WE CAN'T STEER AROUND IT BECAUSE SHOPPING CARTS HAVE NO STEERING MECHANISM!" I screamed.

Nick, of course, bailed out, acting like an extremely anti-viking, since all Vikings go down with their ride... I mean, ship. SO, standing up like those Hannah-Barbara cartoon characters do when THEIR ride goes down, I closed my eyes and waited for the blow.

It came.

I lay on the ground, crying my poor eyes out. The shopping cart lay in several places all over the area, busted into a million pieces.... Or, at least, five.

Nick ran up, worry apparent on his face. "Dude, are you allright?" He frantically asked.

"I think it's broken!" I screamed.

"What, what? You arm, your leg, your foot, your head?" He cried.

I sat up. "I thought we already decided that my head IS broken," I said.

"I mean more than usual," He said.

"Oh, ok." I said. I then resumed crying. "NO, NOT ANY OF THOSE!"

"Then what IS?" Nick screamed.

"My shades!" I blubbered, holding up the now two parts.

"Is that it?" Nick said. He then whacked me in the head and took off toward our dorm room. I buried the shades in a place of rest, and was then caught by campus sercurity and taken to Lief, who gave me a stern paddling.****

But anyway, now I have a new pair of Shades. They is awesome.

NOw, for Vikings, you're only allowed to use them for three good reasons.

1.) For surveillance. Ninjas have masks to hide their true appearance, Pirates have beards to hide their true appearance*****, Firemen wear those wierd Darth Vader-Esque masks to hide their true appearance, and Superheroes wear those wierd, black mask things that only go AROUND their eyes. Now, those superhero masks are completely useless to everyone EXCEPT the other characters in the superhero's world. ANyway, I forgot where I was going with this. ANyway, shades are much better, and they add some suspense, like, "OH NO! Will he ever get his shades ripped off and be revealed?" That's why I don't like Wolverine. THERE'S NO SUSPENSE IN HIS COMICS WHATSOEVER! He could be NUKED, and still NOT DIE! The entire time, I'm sittin' there, thinkin, "Ah whatevers, he ain't gonna die anyway, I'm not worried." BORING! Now, SPIDERMAN. SPIDERMAN is suspenseful. He could get stabbed and die like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING. So there's SUSPENSE. The whole time, I'm all like, "AHHHHHHH! He's GONNA DIE!" Even though he never will. But, the difference between him and Wolverine is, at least, that fear is there.

I got side-tracxked moving on. So, first reason is Surveillance, second reason is....

2.) When you need protection for your eyes. When is that, you ask? WHENEVER THERE'S A POSSIBILITY OF SOMETHING STABBING YOU IN THE EYES. When is that, you ask? ALL THE FREAKING TIME.

And, the last one is...

3.) Whenever you want to. That's right, you should of figured out by now that VIkings aren't very selective.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

*Retired

**Even as a Minor Class, Actors are deadly.

***Remember, that's Lief the Armless

****Incidentally, Nicholas the Sharkbait was the rival I mentioned in the early days of the blog, whom I killed and took his woman. Why? Probably because he ditched me this night. Or he ate my pie. I always get my grudges mixed up.

*****Sure, Vikings have beards too******, but we understand that if you really need to, you can shave it, especially for surveillance. And, since Pirates take three weeks to grow out a new beardm, and VIkings can do it in a night.

******Except for me, obviously.