Kids Shows

Blech. All kids shows nowadays are about a wierd dude in a wierd suit singing songs about 'LOVE' and 'PRETTINESS.' It sickens me! But it got me thinking: What would one of those shows be like if it was played live?

You gotta remember three things first: One, the guys in the suits are replaced every five minutes, because if a person stays in one of those suits for longer than five minutes, they go insane. Two, the kids in those shows are replaced every episode, so it doesn't matter if something... HAPPENED to them. And, three, most of the stuff that happens is Ad-Libbed.

Ok, an episode of Barney, Live! This is about ten minutes in, now, and they haven't changed the actors for Braney because its live, you know.

Barney: AND YOU THERE!

Johnny: Me?

Barney: YES YOU! YOUR NEW NAME IS NOW PRETTINESS!

(All the other kids giggle.)

Prettiness: But that's a girlish na...

Barney: WOMAN! DON'T SASS ME!

Prettiness: Yes, Barney...

(All the other kids giggle.)

Barney: WHATCHOO GIGGLIN' FOR? YOU @#&* KIDS NEED TO &$%# %#$@ OR I'M GONNA >*^%!

(Silence for a full fifteen seconds. All the kids start to cry.)

Susie: Barney, those weren't nice words!

Barney: YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HOW I RUN THIS SHOW? HUH? HUH? WELL, TAKE THIS!

(Barney pulls out pencil and makes gun sounds while pointing it at Susie.)

Susie: Ha ha, you big meanie! That won't work on me!

Barney: STUPID %&*%##% KIDS!

(Barney runs off screen. Runs back on with machine gun.)

Barney: *%$# DIE!

(Shoots Susie full of holes.)

Barney: Hows THAT for imagination, kids? I imagined Susie would die, AND SHE DID!

(Kids are still crying.)

Barney: SHUT $%#^& UP!

(Kids are still crying.)

Barney: *&%^%$$*! I SAID SHUT...

(Barney pulls out Broadsword)

Barney: $%#^&...

(Barney jumps into air above kids.)

Barney: UP!

(Barney slices Rover's head off. Kids stop crying, startled.)

Prettiness: You killed Rover AND Susie!

Barney: So? Now we have toys to play with! DEAD BODIES!

(The director comes running on.)

Director: Tim, you need to take a bre...

Barney: I HATE YOU TOO!

(Barney slices the Director's head off. Turns toward Prettiness.)

Barney: Prettiness... Go... get... some... STICKS...

Prettiness: All right...

(Prettiness runs into the clubhouse.)

Barney: Frank, go get some matches...

Frank: Mommy says we're not supposed to play with matches.

Barney: ARGH! STUPID #$%&^* KIDS!

(Barney shoots Frank in the left eye.)

Barney: Clarise... DARLING... you'll get matches for Barney, WON'T YOU?

Clarise: Yes, sir....

(About five more minutes of nauseating activity happens.)

(After the five minutes, you see Susie's, Rover's, The Director's, and Frank's heads all on sticks that are embedded in the ground. In a circle around the sticks, Clarise, Prettiness, Gwen, and Barney are tossing the dead people's bodies around in a circle.)

Barney: See kids? Toys!

Gwen: A BETTER toy is my cell phone.

(Gwen pulls out cell phone.)

Barney: NO CELL PHONES! CELL PHONES WILL CORRUPT YOU BRAIN, JUST LIKE TV!

Gwen: We're on TV right now.

Barney: DIE GWEN DIE!

(Shoots, stabs, cuts, and beats Gwen to death. Cell phone drops to the ground. Prettiness dives for Cell Phone.)

Prettiness: I dialed 911! We're gonna be rescued, Clarise!

(Prettiness gets shot in the right eye.)

Barney: NOW I HAVE TWINS! And for you, Clarise...

(Turns toward Clarise.)

Clarise: I didn't do anything!

Barney: We're gonna learn a song!

Clarise: Ok...

Barney: AND a dance!

Clarise: Ok...

Barney: IF YOU SPIT IN YOU PARENTS' EYES, CLAP YOUR HANDS! That's where you clap your hands, Clarise! Ok, ready? IF YOU SPIT IN YOU PARENT'S EYES, CLAP YOUR HANDS!

(Barney claps hands. CLarise doesn't.)

Barney: When I say dance.... DANCE!

(Begins shooting ground at Clarise's feet. She starts energetically dancing, moving her feet in time with the bullets.)

Barney: THAT'S NOT THE DANCE I TAUGHT YOU!

(Pops a cap in her throat. At that precise moment, a police force comes busting in and tries to halt Barney. Barney is cuttin' heads off, shouting crazily, and shooting everyone. A splatter of blood hits the camera, and you can only hear the shouts of anger and pain from every person present. Screen goes black. Its over.)

So, yeah. That's what I think a Live Kids show would be like. Sickening, isn't it?

Olaf the BAAAAALD!