John the Profuse

The points I'd like to make today are best told through a viking children story.

"Once upon a time, there was a young viking child named John the Profuse. One day, he frolicked away from his viking village and got completely lost. Wandering around in a nearby forest, he stumbled upon a witch* fighting a centaur**.

'Have at ye, witch!' The centaur yelled, shooting an arrow at her.

'Cackle!' cackled the witchm shooting a fireball at the centaur.

John, watching with interest, saw the centaur dodge the fireball and hit the witch in the head with an arrow. The witch merely laughed, however, and said, 'The only way to kill a witch, Mr. Centaur, is to hit me with an arrow imbued with the magic power of Udt Spi, then have it taken to the fires at Mt. Mood, and coating it with the Jaganium found there. You would have then taken it to an Old Man named Gary residing in the town of Kutania, and has him lick it two times. You then would have killed a Dire Slug, and coated the arrow with two parts of its blood and three parts of its slime. Taking it back to Udt Spi, he would have sent you to the old man on top of hill 5, and he would have reassembled its atoms into the final product of witch-killing arrow, which you obviously don't have.'

The centaur, taking careful notes, reached into his quiver and, selecting an arrow, fired it right next to the other arrow inside the witch's head. The witch screamed, yelling "How on earth did you get a magical, imbued, sanctioned, Jaganium-coated, licked by Gary, slu-covered, reassembled layered arrow?" She then died.

The centaur, grinning his head off, said "Glad I did that sidequest!"

Two seconds later, John had bashed the centaur's head in with a rock. After taking all of the centaur's and witch's supplies and weapons, like a good viking would, he wandered out of the forest and found his village a few hours later.

Moral A: Never tell your opponent how to defeat you.
Moral B: Run away from home often; you have adventures.
Moral C: Always, always do side quests. "

That story is actually based on a true one. A viking child named John the Profuse discovered the way to defeat witches by watching the fight between one and a centaur. Its also why there are so few witches left alive today. We vikings wiped 'em out with some magical, imbued, sanctioned, Jaga... never mind.

As an added benefit for you almost-vikings, you now know how to kill a witch if you ever meet up with one.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!


*A wrinkly, warty old woman with magical powers. Live in candy houses. Almost extinct.

**A Manhorse. A natural proficiency with archery. Clippity cloppity.