My Origin

SO, some of you may have been wondering about my kick-butt avatar. It is truly a wonderful interpretation of me, drawn by Hagar the Not-So-Horrible (For some odd reason, people think his representation of himself in his comic strip is accurate. Well, its not. He's actually skinny, scared of everything, and the only thing he's ever killed is a fly. Once. On Accident.)

Anyway, You may wonder why I am carrying Nun-Chucks, why I appear to have some hair sticking out from underneath my helmet even though, my name is 'the Bald,' and why I look so kick-butt awesome. So I'll tell you.

After I had graduated from CVU, learned how to use a Battle Ax from the Dean of the University, Leif the Armless, stolen my rival's woman, Helen (who I later dumped), and killed my rival, there was only one thing left to do to become a full-fledged viking: Gain an enemy's weapon through battle. Considering the fact that my rival, Harry the Pacifist, carried no weapon for some odd reason, I was out of luck for looting his body for his weapon. Leif the Armless suggested I join a ship, go kill some things, and finish my last requirement. I joined with the ship Flowerbutt, which was full of strapping vikings and almost-vikings (like myself). The crew of the Flowerbutt named my surname 'the Bald', as I have been cursed with a lack of facial hair since my youth.

Our crew of 37 decided to go attack a monastery full of Monks just off the coast. As it came into sight, two black shapes fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the deck. Two ninjas stood up. One said something in japanese. The other said, "Way to keep up the stereotype that all ninjas are Japanese, Bob." Ninja Bob muttered, "Sorry."

Next thing I knew, 2 shruikens had zipped their way through 16 of our viking brethren. My luck had it that a shruiken would hit Mendel the 'Ate-A-Full-Grown-Bull-That-One-Time', whom I was standing behind. BAM! I was squashed by a 634-pound bloody viking.

The remaining twenty of our viking brethren (I was 21) leapt at the closest Ninja, who had pulled out a Bo Staff. Through my vantage point underneath the folds of fat, I saw 20 vikings die. The ninja, missing an arm and two ears, fell lifeless, due to loss of blood.

Ninja Bob, who had pulled out a pair of Nun-Chucks, arrived too late to save his comrade. Sighing, he began to loot the viking's weapons. Turning and seeing Mendel, he exclaimed "There's my shruiken!"

Suddenly, I needed to sneeze. REALLY bad. You don't even know. My arm, holding my battleax, was sticking out from underneath Mendel. The ninja stepped over it and grabbed the shruiken out of Mendel's chest. "Ew, viking blood..." He muttered.

I sneezed.

I will not go into a graphic description. I will not describe what happens when an involuntary arm movement thrusts an ax right between someone's legs. I won't go there.

One day later, the dread viking ship Bloodhound, heading for the monastery, discovered the Flowerbutt. Finding the battle, a ninja with an ax inside of him, and a hungry, thirsty, squashed viking attached to the ax, the vikings decided to induct the aforementioned viking into their crew. After being rescued, I took Ninja Bob's Nun-Chucks and began to train in a technique I call "Wildanceamancer", which is a deadly double attack involving Nun-Chucks and a Battle Ax.

And, so this is the story of how I became a viking. Oh, one more thing: When the captain of the Bloodhound, Chieftain Gregory the Hairy asked me what my name was, I told him I was called 'Olaf the Ninja-Slayer.' Giving me a long look, he said, "Well, forget that name! You have no beard! You shall forever be known as Olaf the Bald from now on!"

*sigh*

Olaf the BAAAAALD!