The Quest

Gregory the Hairy called my Posse and I to his captain's room yesterday and informed us that the Bloodhound II hasn't been keeping up with its Questing Quota. Therefore, we needed to go on a quest.



"What is the nature of this Quest?" Soren the Hard-of-Hearing Scribe intoned.



"I don't know!" Gregory snapped. "Just go on on already!"



Like all good quests, we needed a purpose, despite the strange misgivings of our chieftain. Not entirely sure why we embarked on this particular quest, but we decided to go and destroy a huge Goblin family, one that had been giving us some trouble recently.



We then needed to classify what classes we were, since, for all questers, there needs to be obvious class differences for some, none for others. After much arguing, it was decided:

Erik the Noisy: Fighter
Omar the Bold: Fighter
Lulu the Loud: Fighter
George the Yellow: Fighter
Phil the Conceited: Fighter
Soren: Mage
Me: Bard

With our classes evenly distributed, with many different ones to complement any task we might need to do, we set out.

We first went throught the Mines of Airom to meet with a wizened old Uncle Sam, who had the key to what we needed to do to destroy the Goblin Family.

"Their Ruler is connected by an object of magical prowess; if it is cast into the Waters of Lake Fun-Fun, it will be destroyed, and the entire goblin family will fall."

"What is the object?" Soren inquired.

"A magic saltine cracker," Uncle Sam replied.

It was then that we were attacked by a massive black creature, made entirely out of water. It was a Gefsot, and it chased us across a rickety chained bridge that led to the outside world. Soren sacrificed himself to give us enough time to escape, and we did, to his death. Uncle Sam then summoned a large group of feathers, which nearly killed us, and when we got out of the feathery mess, Uncle Sam was gone.

Our trip took us into the heart of Hobbit lands, where we consulted with their wise, feminine leader, whose name was Penelope. After we discussed with Penelope on where the Head Goblin's Saltine cracker was, which, we learned, was located in the highest points of heck, Erik the Noisy became captivated by her charms, and much making out commenced. Lulu the Loud, enraged by the site, killed the Hobbit Ruler dead, and we had to escape in order to keep our hides from being killed by the angry Hobbit masses. Sadly, Erik died protecting us from the Hobbits.

It was then that Soren caught up with us, claiming that he had defeated the Gefsot without any sort of trouble. He also wanted us to start calling him Soren the White from then on, but we refrained, instead continuing to call him Soren the Hard-of-Hearing Scribe. I especially refused; I hate the color white.

Customary to most quests, it was decided that one of us must be a traitor. After much deliberation and back-stabbing, the lot feull upon Omar, who claimed his innocence. After we killed him anyway, it was discovered that the traitor was Uncle Sam, who had been the one telling the hobbits of our location the whole time. We were captured, and dragged all the way back to Hobbit lands. It was then that Uncle Sam freed us, and using some fancy manuvering, got us free. He then gave Phil an Ancient sword, telling him that its name was Sadboom, and that its name really didn't matter to the plot, anyhow. Uncle Sam disappeared once more.

We received a report shortly thereafter that the Saltine Crakcer had been spotted at a local port, in the hands of an unsuspecting Drow. Having pursued and found the Drow, he gave battle with us. We were soon shortly beaten, with one of our number dying. It was discovered that Uncle Sam had caught up with us again, and had taken the blow. After we exchanged goods for the saltine cracker, the Drow disappeared.

All that remained was the taking of the Saltine Cracker to Lake Fun-Fun. Thousands of miles of desert faced us, however. The desert was full of dangers, the most common of which being gigantic worms that would swallow anyone or thing alive, should they hear anything move on the surface. There was only one thing to do.

We turned around and walked the other way.

After walking a thousand miles to the edge of Lake Fun-Fun, we discovered that an evil human king was waging war on the peoples of the south, who were all gathered together in the stronghold of the Cow-People. We decided to give them what for, and were soundly trounced. We were seperated, with Me, and Lulu hangin' with the Cow People, and George, Phil, and Soren hangin' with the everyone else. Soren was in posession of the Saltine Cracker, and he and his forces of Monkey, Rat, and Pig people were being pushed away from the lake. It became too much for George, however, and he was left in a major city, never to be heard of again. As I led the Cow-People through enemy lines to reunite with the rest of the South, Soren discussed a magic force capability with the leader of the Monkey people. Apparently, if you could gather all seven of the Brownie Ball Zs and gather them together in one place, your wish woud be granted.

Soren contacted the three of us at the other end by means of Pigeon, telling us to go and gather the Brownie Ball Zs. We left the Cow-People in charge of Uncle Sam, who, as it turned out, had never died, and had been following us in the garb of a very attractive Female Panda. When I discovered that the female Panda did not exist, I set out on a side quest to discover my true love, while Lulu forged on with her searching of the Brownie Ball Zs on her own. Soren and Phil soon had alll of the peoples of the South reunited, but Phil didn't care, which had split the peoples of the south into four factions, which all soon killed each other off. The evil King turned out to be named Tryanicus, who had, in turn, turned out to be the one who REALLY cuased the four peoples of the south to kill each other. Soren and Phil tried to engage the evil King in a duel, but the King killed Phil, as he was too powerful to beat. Soren discovered, in the battle, that Tyranicus' power came from stolen Dragon's Hearts, and was sucking the energy out of them in order to give himself unstoppable power. Soren escaped, and tried to contact me or Lulu.

I had found my real love, whose name was Rynalredtywreckagal, (Who I called R2-D2 for short) and was now having great make-out sessions with her while trying to find Lulu. Lulu had found six of the seven Brownie Ball Zs, and was now tracking down Uncle Sam, who was rumored to have fled with one during the insurrection of the fours peoples of the south. R2 and I caught up with Uncle Sam, who, in turn, gave battle with us. After we were all sorely defeated, and R2 was killed, he revealed himself to be none other than Thor!

Gladly giving us the last Brownie Ball Z, we reunited with Soren. Thor told us that we needed to pick one person so that the great Chef of the Sky would know which of us's wish to grant. After much deliberation, in which I clonked both of my comrades out, I summoned the Chef.

The Chef read my thoughts and summoned my ultimate wish: a life-size, reincarnated R2, whose body had been turned into Pie! COnfused by this transformation, however, R2 left me for a cake, and, heartbroken, I took the Saltine Cracker and threw myself into Lake Fun-FUn. The Goblin armies died, but I didn't, considering how the waters of Lake Fun-Fun weren't that deep. As the Goblin armies exploded and died, I, Lulu, and Soren were carried off to Rodnog by Eagles, where we discovered that the people had discovered Seven more Brownie Ball Zs. I quickly gave them to Lulu, summoning the Great Chef, who read her thoughts and gave her he wish:

That the whole thing had simply been a daydream, in my mind.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!