Why I'm Stupid

I was licking the inside of my shoes today when Omar the Bold came in and screamed, "WHY THE HECK ARE YOU SO FREAKING STUPID?"

"What?" I asked. My tongue was still on the shoe when I asked that, so it came out as "Glu?"

"Look at you! You're licking the inside of that shoe!" Omar yelled. "How on earth did you get to be so stupid?"

I drew back my tongue with a sickeningly sqlerpltch and replied, "Well, I'll tell you."

"NO NOSTALGIA! NO NOSTALGIA!" Omar cried, hiding his obvious interest. Luckily for him, he was too late.

When I was in my last few weeks of CVU, I decided, as a Graduation gift to me, to buy me a phone. This purchase was much to Nicholas the Sharkbait's Chagrine, as as you know, Vikings don't use cell phones.

"You need to take that horrid thing back," Nick cried, taking a few steps back. "Its complete pandemonium!"

"What a horrid use of that word," I said. "Anyway, I don't use it for texting calling paging or farting, I use it for a better reason." I lied.

"What reason?" Nick asked suspiciously.

"Um ..." I said the first thing that popped into my head. "It's a great hacky-sack."

"Hacky-Sack?" Nick asked.

"Yes, Hacky-Sack," I replied. Nick wasn't convinced.

"Ok, that makes sense," He said.

"No, really! I'll show you!" I cried.

"I said I believed you!" He cried back.

"SOME FRIEND YOU ARE NOT TO BELIEVE ME!" I yelled. "Ok, here, I'll show you." I tossed the cell phone down on the ground, and began to Hacky-Sack it up and down, down and up.

"Wow, I didn't know cell phones could be used in such a manner!" Nick said.

"'Course it can!" I cried. "Try it!"

Nick took the cell phone, dropped it, and kicked it into a sewer.

"Oops... guess I'm not good at Hacky-Sack," he mumbled.

"HOLY HECK!" I screamed.

"Um, I'm pretty sure that Heck can't be holy at any lev..."

"HOLY HECK!" I screamed.

"Look, you should be saying 'Holy Heav..."

"GET IT!" I screamed.

About thirty minutes later, Nick was despearately trying to left the grate to the sewer without any assistance.

"Darn it," He muttered. "I'm never going to be able to get this off. I think your cellular is done for."

I walked over to the grate and popped it off without any effort.

"Shut up," Nick muttered.

"All right, all you have to do is jump down there and grab it," I said, backing up several hundred feet.

"Why are you backing up?" Nick asked as he jumped in.

"Because everyone knows ...." I said as Nick was thrust out of the open grate by an avalanche of Zombies, alligators, and dead fish pouring out of it. "... those things live in sewers."

As Nick was carried away by the sewer dwellers, I jumped into it, grabbed the cellular, and jumped back out.

"Sweet!" I said.

AT that point, Selena the Foreign and her friends walked by and laughed, saying, "That phone is SO five minutes ago!"

I tossed the phone back into a sewer, where a gnome picked it up and began racking up charges. How I dealt with that problem is another story.

I eventually found Nick five miles away from the grate, being helped along by one of our Fraternity Brothers. Nick had been bitten, and he was now a Zombie.

"Braaaaaaaaiins...." He moaned as he was dragged along by our bro.

"What do we do with him now?" the bro asked. I reached up, opened my skull, pulled out my brain, and handed it to the zombie Nick the Sharkbait.

"I'm a decent person," I said as Nick began to devour it.

As I finished my story, Omar looked at me with a look of utter disgust.

"I hate you SO MUCH." He growled.

"Thanks for the sarcasm, buddy!" I cried.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!