Waiters

Man, I love messin' with waiters.

I walked into a fancy restaurant yesterday and sat down. A few minutes later, a waiter walked up.

"May I get you a menu, sir?" The waiter stiffly asked.

"Nope," I said.

"Then do you already know what to order, sir?" The waiter asked.

"Nope," I said. "I can't read, so I'm going to have to ask you to give me what I want."

"But, sir," the Waiter asked. "How will I know what you want?"

"Easy," I said. "You've been trained in this department of waitering for a long time. Just guess. But remember: I am a VERY picky eater."

The waiter nodded, his face still emotionless. "And what would you like to drink?"

"The most alcohol-induced drink you can find," I said. "But please remove the Alcohol- I'm an abstainer."

"How do you suggest I remove the alcohol, sir?" The waiter asked.

"Just suck it out with your teeth." I said. Then, as an afterthought, I said, "Last time I came to a restaurant, I could taste saliva that wasn't mine in my drink. Make sure none of that nasty stuff gets in there, will you?"

The waiter stiffly bowed, and then ran off toward the kitchen.

I chuckled to myself, enjoying my own obnoxiousness.

A few minutes passed, and the waiter came back with a reddish drink. "Here is your Alcoholless Achohol-induced drink, sir," he said. "I strained it with my teeth myself."

"Aw, thanks!" I said. "But I can see your saliva swimming at the top, and since its impossible to completely remove alcohol from a drink, I'm gonna have to ask that it be taken away."

"But sir!" the waiter cried. "This was a 1912 vintage! I can't just... throw it away!"

"Here, I'll do it for you," I said, grabbing the fancy glass and dropping it onto the floor. It shattered into a million pieces. The waiter stood completely still, his jaw tensing ever so slightly.

"There is now wine in my shoes, sir," He grimly said. "There are also glass shards puncturing the skin upon my feet."

"See?" I said. "Alcohol IS bad for you! Same as Caffeine!"

"But Caffeinated Drinks do not come in glasses, sir, they come in cans," the waiter stoically said.

"Have you ever ripped one of those cans up? SHOE-Wee! Those things could stop a zombie army single-handedly! You know what, don't worry about getting me a drink, just bring me the vittles."

"Vittles, sir?" The waiter said weakly.

"Food! Sustenance!" I cried. "I HUNGRY!"

The waiter's eyes widened in fear, and he turned and sprinted back toward the kitchen. As he ran, I noticed a red liquid squirting out of his fancy shoes. I wasn't sure if it was the wine, his blood, or both.

About fifteen minutes passed. The waiter soon came back. His fancy shoes were wrapped with toilet paper, and he was holding a silver platter with one of those domey-thingy things on top.

"Here is your food, sir," He said, taking the domey thingy off of the top of the platter. I beheld a food. I don't even remember what it was, since I wasn't done having my fun.

"WHAT IS THIS?" I screamed, smacking the platter out of the waiter's hands and into his face. "This is not what I ordered!"

"But you didn't order anything, sir," The waiter weakly mumbled. "YOu said you wanted me to guess what you wanted, and bring it out to you.

"LIES!" I shrieked. "I ordered the Lobster! Bring me one! NOW!"

The waiter turned and dejectedly walked back toward the kitchen. I heard him mutter, 'the customer is always right...."

"Wait!" I cried. "I owe you an apology."

The waiter turned, eyes full of hope.

"I am SO sorry that I haven't been helping you complete your job right!" I said. "Here, let me remind you of what you forgot: A drink."

"But I DID bring you a drink, sir," The waiter spluttered. "Its still on the floor."

I looked down, and sure enough, there was the drink.

"LIES!" I shrieked. "That was from some OTHER customer! Retrieve my sparkling water! Make sure there are many Ice cubes within!"

The waiter curtly nodded, then slumped his way back to the kitchen.

A few minutes passed, and the waiter came sadly walking back, holding aloft another sliver platter and a glass. "Here is your sparkling water and lobster, sir," he grumpily said.

"Isn't a waiter creed, "Greet your customers with a smile!"?" I asked.

He grimaced, then placed the stuff on the table. I looked at the glass.

"This is not what I ordered!" I cried.

"You ordered sparkling water, sir," the waiter exasperatedly said, a grimace still being held upon his face. "This is sparklig water."

"I ordered Sparkling water with ICE CUBES," I said. "These are blocks of ice that resemble frozen half-circles. I want cubes."

"AND what would you suggest I do, sir?" The waiter asked.

"Take a knife, and carve them into cubes!" I cried. "Take some initiative, man!"

The waiter groaned, grabbed the glass, and dragged his feet all the way back to the kitchen.

When he came back, each block perfectly carved into a cube, I was vigorously licking the lobster.

"Well, that was good," I said as he placed the glass on the table. "Check please."

"Excuse me?" The waiter asked.

"I'm done," I said. "I want the check."

"But your water! Your lobster!" The waiter shrieked.

"Yeah, I'm good." I said. "Just reuse the lobster."

"But you LICKED it!" The waiter shriked once again.

"So? Dog's tongues are cleaner than humans' tongues, anyway." I said. The waiter gaped.

"Get the flippin' check already!" I cried.

"The waiter turned and fled for the kitchen. I counted for five minutes, and he soon came back, his pallor transformed into a very smug expression.

"Your check, sir," He said, handing me the check. I opened it.

"WHOA!" I cried. "Three hundred smackaroos? What for?"

"Personal charges," The waiter said, a gleam in his eyes. "Among those include ice cube cutting, shoe replacement, and the improper use of toilet paper."

"Wow," I said. "Ok, just give me a minute."

"With pleasure," The waiter said, smugly limping away. I tell exactly what he was thinking: Though this stupid customer has given me H--- since he arrived, I shall be redeemed with the ridiculously large amount of money I am charging him! Ha!

I waited until the waiter had his head turned, then stood up and walked out of the restaurant.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!