Dancing

There are really only a few ways to Get Your Groove On, Viking Style. In fact, there are only three! Of Each! Rockin' out dances and Slow Dances! Yeah!

Rockin' Out Dances

1.) The Fazugututamarella: This dance is simple: Flail your legs around in crazy patterns while having your arms be like little pieces of spaghetti. Move in zig-zag patterns around the dance floor, and which ever Viking Chum gets the most girls, wins. For some reason, usually only one girl is ever drawn to someone's dance, and they're usually the type who have 'Ruby' tattooed backward on their forehead.

2.) The ButtaDance: You've all heard this one! Shake your butt until, when you've stop shaking it, its still going. Buttadancing usually doesn't get a lot of girls, but it does get a lot of laughs. Also, if you steal someone else's dance, a buttadance is usually the thing to do to push them over the edge. Sadly, if you use the Buttadance to taunt someone that you stole their date, the stolen date in question usually becomes unstolen. Darn.

3.) The Shakey-Bakey-Craig: No clue who craig is, but this is a form of dance where you vibrate your body at speeds barely discernible to human eyes. If you're REALLY good at it, then your dancing should be COMPLETELY indiscernible to human eyes. Sadly, that means that this dance doesn't pick up any girls, since they can't see you.

Slow-Dancin'

Wait, you ask. Everyone slow dances, not just Vikings. True. Very true. But Vikings do it in a style no one on the face of the earth has been able to imitate. Heck, we INVENTED slow dancing, though I can't imagine why, since most Viking Chicks reek. They say the same thing bout us dudes as well, though...

1.) 'Friend-Dancin': This is the one that bugs me. It's where a Viking Chick you're friends with comes up and says, "Let's Dance!" Um, Ok. So you get out there, and she makes you grab her shoulders and stand with your arms extended all the way out and says, "Since we're friends, let's dance like this." Why? What difference does it make? If you just wanted to talk, why couldn't we be talking over where I was sitting and not in the awkward, uncomfortable position? URGH!

2.) 'Normal Dancin': This is the normal, hand on hip, hand-in-hand Dancing. Nice, except I've never experienced this one, since everyone I've ever asked to dance has stated a flat-out "No, I have a date." I can't guess why EVERY single chick has a date no matter where I go; I mean, the last dance I went to was called, The "I'm Single and Desperate, Somebody Please Come Ask Me To Dance, Please" Dance, and Every single one of these girls had dates! How?

3.) 'Oooo-Dancin': This is where you take the girl out on the dance floor and she has you put both your hands around her waist and she has both her hands around your neck. This type of Dance only happened to me once, where a huge, hulkin', hair-covered Viking walked up to me and growled at me. I said to him, "Sup, Dude?" Since I hadn't stolen anyone's date with the Fazugututamarella that night, I figured that I stole his seat or something. I have a policy that I don't give anyone anything they don't ask for, so I waited for him to ask for his seat back. To my shock, the Viking growled, "DANCE WITH ME!", which made me realize that 'He' was really a 'She'. Before I could protest, she had grabbed me by the neck and thrown me into the middle of the floor, where I was forced to 'Ooooo-dance' with her. Afterwards, she was hounding me like a duck, so I booked it out of the gym and made for my boat. Sadly, I had locked the keys in, so I called Triple-A. During the next thirty-minutes before Triple-A came back, I managed to find a disguise with the same friend I mentioned earlier in the 'Friend-Dance.' We exchanged something, and the next thing I knew, my Friend-Dancer was decked out in my Tuxedo and Duct Tape Monstrosity helmet. You can guess what I was wearing. The Hairy She-Viking saw my Friend-Dancer, and tore off after her, thinking she was me. I was about to sneak out to go meet Triple-A by my boat, when I tripped on those ridiculously annoying Non-Flats my friend had had. She-Viking saw the trip, and saw the deception as well. Roaring, she leapt upon me and grabbed me around the waist in one hulkin' hand. Meanwhile, my posse of George the Yellow, Erik the Red, Phil the Conceited, Soren the Hard-of-Hearing-Scribe, and Omar the Bold, all saw what I was trying to do, and failing. Three of my posse sprang into action, while Phil said "He can take care of himself." and Omar said "YES! HE IS FINALLY GOING TO GET WHAT HE DESERVES!" As the She-Viking ran for the nearest Sky-Scraper and began to climb it, George, Erik, and Soren all roared into action in the airplanes they had stolen from the nearest airport. Soon, the big, Hairy She-Viking was holding me aloft and battling the airplanes that were attacking her. Erik's plane took a hit, and it looked for all the world like he was a goner, but he quickly order a parachute from Amazon on his cell phone and asked for single-minute shipping. Within the next minute, a UPS guy appeared in the plane with him, gave him the parachute, and Erik launched himself to safety. The UPS guy, sadly, plummeted in the plane to his doom. But hey, he was a Postal Worker, so who cares, right? George, caught up in the battle, had forgotten that he was scared of heights, and virtually everything else he had been doing up until then. Looking over the side of the plane, he fainted dead away. His plane eventually crash-landed in the ocean, and he found the crew some three weeks later, his nervousness intensified to the level he's at today. Only Soren managed to hit the Hairy She-Viking, and she plummeted to her doom, me being safely stashed on the roof. After everyone except George was reunited, everyone had a good laugh at my expense on how I was wearing a prom-ish like dress. I begged my Friend-Dancer to switch clothes with me, but she was having to fun a time cracking up at my ridiculous appearance. Grumbling, I went out to my boat, where the Triple-A Guy had opened it. "Nice Dress," He said sarcastically. His body was found floating in the Hoover Dam a few weeks later. I discovered some guy named Merian C. Cooper had seen the whole thing, and was adapting it into a feature-length film he called King-Kong, where a Gorilla takes a Hot-Chick onto a roof and battles airplanes. I agreed that She-VIking was a Gorilla. Me being a hot chick? Not so much.

4.) Contact-Dancing: This is where the two of you are basically hugging while waddling around the dance floor. Yeah yeah, I know.... I haven't ever danced like that either.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!