Sigh... I suppose I should tell you all exactly what's been goin' on with the raft.
I was in charge of building a second boat for our crew of the Bloodhound, a raft, to be precise. After five weeks of builing, it was finally time to test it out.
Since Vikings don't buy things, we raided a town of Urbanites and procured all the wood we could carry. Sadly, all we got was ten wooden house sidings, a plywood board, and a miserable pile of firewood. Undaunted, I began to build.
Soon, the wood gathered was assembled into more or less a square, around eight feet by six feet in area. We debated for many seconds on what we needed to use to float it, and we decided to go get some Pool Noodles.
Back to the Urbanites, back to a pool noodle store, back to killing everyone and looting their wallet, and back to the raft, which was still on the dock next to the Bloodhound. AFter securing the pool noodles, I prepared to get on it to see what happened. Erik the Noisy created seven videos with his cell phone while the whole process happened. Here are what he named them:
Begin the raft: Shows Phil the Conceited, George the Yellow, Soren the Hard-of-Hearing-Scribe, and I lifting the raft off the dock.
Flip the raft: Shows the four of us flipping the raft pool noodle side up.
Sink the raft: Shows me stepping onto the raft, and the water suddenly covering the enitre top.
Darn the raft: Shows everyone laughing at me as I step on it a couple more times and audibly say: "Darn."
Ignore the raft: Shows me frantically paddling with an oar on the raft, while it slowly sinks below the surface. I'm rowing the water directly ABOVE the wood.
Break the raft: Shows multiple parts of the raft popping off and floating to the top, as I still stand solemnly on it, continuing to sink.
Where the raft: Show me still determindedly rowing, while it looks like I'm standing on the bottom of the water, since the raft is all but gone from view.
As Gregory the Hairy said that night around the campfire: "At least we have a lot of firewood now!"
I'm still in charge of coming up with a raft or boat of some sort, though Gregory STILL won't tell me what for, but he said I can take a break while I come up with a new way to do it.
Hmmm... Someone mentioned hollowing out a log...
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
No More Splintette
Lets just put it this way:
THE.
BOAT.
SUNK.
Building boats that float is HARD!
Back to the drawing board.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
THE.
BOAT.
SUNK.
Building boats that float is HARD!
Back to the drawing board.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Splintette
Can't post today, going to test out a new ship the crew of the Bloodhound made. Chieftain Gregory the Hairy won't tell any of us why we made it, but we did. He said he'll tell us when the time is right.*
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*Foreshadowing...
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*Foreshadowing...
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wikipedia Two: Attack of the Laotogo
As in my first Wikipedia rant, I clicked the 'Random Article' button thats on the wikipedian home-and-every page.
The page that popped up was this page. Why? Because, quite simply, that article is WRONG. I never would have thought I'd see the day where the editors of wikipedia would mess up such an obvious page. My only guess is that the Ninjas have something to do with it. Looking around the web, I realized that this basic lie from the wikipedia page had spread all over the internet. I now put it into my hands to warn the entire classed community what the Laotogo is.
Ever heard of... the KRAKEN? Yeah, me too. The Laotogo is like that, but its not some sort of octopus on drugs, like the Kraken is. The Laotogo is a...
BIG...
HONKING...
FROG.
I'll wait for you to stop laughing.
Done? Good. Since only fools would laugh at that.
Think about it! If Jack Sparrow had been really smart, he wouldn't have stayed on the water while avoiding the Kraken, which meant there was always a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card. But the Laotogo? ITS AN AMPHIBIAN! IT CAN COME UP AN' KILL YOU ON LAND!
One thousand years ago, several years after the destruction of the Urgur* and several years before the Viking's time travel incident**, the remaining surviving classes (Vikings, Knights, Ninjas, Pirates, Clowns, Postal Workers, Musketeers, Dentists, Samurai) were all remaining.*** Suddenly, We Vikings noticed some of our ships were diappearing. Worried, we investigated the disappearances, and after the fiftieth investigation team discovered the giant frog, put their research in a bottle, threw it overboard before the frog devoured them, and it floated to our headquarters. Here, after looking at the very detailed diagrams, the chief Vikings named it: THE LAOTOGO!
Warning the other classes about the danger, the Vikings prepared to eliminate the monster. They received more support than they had counted on. Knights joined the cause since all the dragons had already been killed by them. Samurai joined the cause since they figured the Laotogo fought with no honor. Dentists joined the cause since they needed water to clean people's teeth, and they were afraid the Laotogo would hog all the water sources. Postal Workers joined the cause since the Laotogo was picking off air-mail-shipments flying over the ocean with its froggy tongue. Musketeers joined because they wanted to show the Knights up. Clowns joined the cause because the Laotogo was sucking laughs out of the world, since it was causing so many bad things to happen to people.**** Pirates joined the cause because of the very same reasons why the Vikings did. And Ninjas, still in exile from their destruction of the Urgur, crept forward, timidly offering people for the cause in an effort to redeem themselves. Thus, the largest alliance and army of the classes EVER marched forth to defeat the Laotogo.
After traveling for many days from all of the corners of the world, the army brought the Laotogo to them by shouting many insults over the waters. At first, we were worried that the Laotogo did not know that we were insulting it. But, after enough insults of the worst damage were said, insults like 'Froggy Breath' and 'Froggy eyes', the Laotogo figured out it was the one being insulted. The army saw two bumps in the distance after about ten days of shouting, and the next thing they knew, the bumps were eyes, and the next thing they knew AGAIN, the Laotogo was upon them.
For seven days the army fought the Laotogo, and for seven days, they did no damage., with Vikings having the most casualties.Desperate, the army gathered the ten most powerful archmages in the army and asked them to call upon an ice age. The ice age, the classes rationalized, would send the Laotogo into hibernation, and at least stop the Laotogo temporarily until a more permanent solution could be brought upon. Since the Ninja Archmages had dodged the attacks of the Laotogo, while certain other classes' archmages couldn't, five of the ten archmages were ninjas.
Sadly, when the Archmages cast the spell for the ice age, they barely had started the spell when it back-fired on them. Nine of the ten archmages were erased with all proof of their existance disappearing save for the memories. One Ninja archmage held on, however. His name was Craig "Hidden Fist of the Cobra" Crawlin, and he managed to concentrate the spell right onto the Laotogo, so that the power of 1/20th of an ice age would descend upon the Laotogo. The Laotogo instantly froze, but the magical backlash of the spell killed everything within a mile radius of the Laotogo and Hidden Fist of the Cobra.*****
After the dust settled, many of the warriors of the classes had survived. The Laotogo had frozen and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. No-One knew exactly how long the Laotogo would hibernate, but many hoped it would stay forever.
Sadly, it has recently thawed.
Now, I don't think I've properly explained to you exactly what the Laotogo is, but here's a brief description:
Imagine a frog. Now imagine a frog as tall as a 50-story building. Imagine that frog hating everything that exists. IMagine that frog with a tongue that can reach out with a tongue the size of a redwood and swallow whole islands whole. THAT is the Laotogo.******
Since its so big, it moves through time a little slower than normal. SO scientists from all the classes guess that it won't go into vengence mode for at least another ten years, when it fully wakes up. But the problem is, since its awake again, it'll still do all the damage it did a thousand years ago, but at a slightly more slower rate. ALready, we're getting reports from the classes of sighting of the Laotogo. Its been killing many.
SO, here's some advice in case you ever see the Laotogo, on land OR on sea.
1.) Never insult it. SInce you're so small compared to it, it won't notice you and directly target you. Squish you, yes, but it won't be on purpose. But since its still scarred from the army's insultafest, then it hears every one. ONce you speak harshly, you dead.
2.) DOn't try to fight it on your own, with ten other people, with ten thousand other people, with ten MILLION people. When the final battle comes, we're going to need help from every class, sub-class, and any other class EVER in order to beat this thing. We might even need humans!
Um... that's pretty much all you can use. Otherwise, you're done for.
Good luck.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*This post.
**This post.
***I had a really good sentence worked out, but by the time I checked my history books, I forgot where I was going. So I used remaining twice.
****Though, they thought that the misfortunes it caused to the other classes was pretty funny.
*****Incidentally, this act from a Ninja helped end much of the individual hatreds of the other classes, still steamed from the Urgur incident.
******OH, and it can jump over China in one bound.
The page that popped up was this page. Why? Because, quite simply, that article is WRONG. I never would have thought I'd see the day where the editors of wikipedia would mess up such an obvious page. My only guess is that the Ninjas have something to do with it. Looking around the web, I realized that this basic lie from the wikipedia page had spread all over the internet. I now put it into my hands to warn the entire classed community what the Laotogo is.
Ever heard of... the KRAKEN? Yeah, me too. The Laotogo is like that, but its not some sort of octopus on drugs, like the Kraken is. The Laotogo is a...
BIG...
HONKING...
FROG.
I'll wait for you to stop laughing.
Done? Good. Since only fools would laugh at that.
Think about it! If Jack Sparrow had been really smart, he wouldn't have stayed on the water while avoiding the Kraken, which meant there was always a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card. But the Laotogo? ITS AN AMPHIBIAN! IT CAN COME UP AN' KILL YOU ON LAND!
One thousand years ago, several years after the destruction of the Urgur* and several years before the Viking's time travel incident**, the remaining surviving classes (Vikings, Knights, Ninjas, Pirates, Clowns, Postal Workers, Musketeers, Dentists, Samurai) were all remaining.*** Suddenly, We Vikings noticed some of our ships were diappearing. Worried, we investigated the disappearances, and after the fiftieth investigation team discovered the giant frog, put their research in a bottle, threw it overboard before the frog devoured them, and it floated to our headquarters. Here, after looking at the very detailed diagrams, the chief Vikings named it: THE LAOTOGO!
Warning the other classes about the danger, the Vikings prepared to eliminate the monster. They received more support than they had counted on. Knights joined the cause since all the dragons had already been killed by them. Samurai joined the cause since they figured the Laotogo fought with no honor. Dentists joined the cause since they needed water to clean people's teeth, and they were afraid the Laotogo would hog all the water sources. Postal Workers joined the cause since the Laotogo was picking off air-mail-shipments flying over the ocean with its froggy tongue. Musketeers joined because they wanted to show the Knights up. Clowns joined the cause because the Laotogo was sucking laughs out of the world, since it was causing so many bad things to happen to people.**** Pirates joined the cause because of the very same reasons why the Vikings did. And Ninjas, still in exile from their destruction of the Urgur, crept forward, timidly offering people for the cause in an effort to redeem themselves. Thus, the largest alliance and army of the classes EVER marched forth to defeat the Laotogo.
After traveling for many days from all of the corners of the world, the army brought the Laotogo to them by shouting many insults over the waters. At first, we were worried that the Laotogo did not know that we were insulting it. But, after enough insults of the worst damage were said, insults like 'Froggy Breath' and 'Froggy eyes', the Laotogo figured out it was the one being insulted. The army saw two bumps in the distance after about ten days of shouting, and the next thing they knew, the bumps were eyes, and the next thing they knew AGAIN, the Laotogo was upon them.
For seven days the army fought the Laotogo, and for seven days, they did no damage., with Vikings having the most casualties.Desperate, the army gathered the ten most powerful archmages in the army and asked them to call upon an ice age. The ice age, the classes rationalized, would send the Laotogo into hibernation, and at least stop the Laotogo temporarily until a more permanent solution could be brought upon. Since the Ninja Archmages had dodged the attacks of the Laotogo, while certain other classes' archmages couldn't, five of the ten archmages were ninjas.
Sadly, when the Archmages cast the spell for the ice age, they barely had started the spell when it back-fired on them. Nine of the ten archmages were erased with all proof of their existance disappearing save for the memories. One Ninja archmage held on, however. His name was Craig "Hidden Fist of the Cobra" Crawlin, and he managed to concentrate the spell right onto the Laotogo, so that the power of 1/20th of an ice age would descend upon the Laotogo. The Laotogo instantly froze, but the magical backlash of the spell killed everything within a mile radius of the Laotogo and Hidden Fist of the Cobra.*****
After the dust settled, many of the warriors of the classes had survived. The Laotogo had frozen and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. No-One knew exactly how long the Laotogo would hibernate, but many hoped it would stay forever.
Sadly, it has recently thawed.
Now, I don't think I've properly explained to you exactly what the Laotogo is, but here's a brief description:
Imagine a frog. Now imagine a frog as tall as a 50-story building. Imagine that frog hating everything that exists. IMagine that frog with a tongue that can reach out with a tongue the size of a redwood and swallow whole islands whole. THAT is the Laotogo.******
Since its so big, it moves through time a little slower than normal. SO scientists from all the classes guess that it won't go into vengence mode for at least another ten years, when it fully wakes up. But the problem is, since its awake again, it'll still do all the damage it did a thousand years ago, but at a slightly more slower rate. ALready, we're getting reports from the classes of sighting of the Laotogo. Its been killing many.
SO, here's some advice in case you ever see the Laotogo, on land OR on sea.
1.) Never insult it. SInce you're so small compared to it, it won't notice you and directly target you. Squish you, yes, but it won't be on purpose. But since its still scarred from the army's insultafest, then it hears every one. ONce you speak harshly, you dead.
2.) DOn't try to fight it on your own, with ten other people, with ten thousand other people, with ten MILLION people. When the final battle comes, we're going to need help from every class, sub-class, and any other class EVER in order to beat this thing. We might even need humans!
Um... that's pretty much all you can use. Otherwise, you're done for.
Good luck.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*This post.
**This post.
***I had a really good sentence worked out, but by the time I checked my history books, I forgot where I was going. So I used remaining twice.
****Though, they thought that the misfortunes it caused to the other classes was pretty funny.
*****Incidentally, this act from a Ninja helped end much of the individual hatreds of the other classes, still steamed from the Urgur incident.
******OH, and it can jump over China in one bound.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Trying to get you to...
Plip.
Plop.
Plip.
Plop.
Plip.
Flush!
Plop.
Plip.
Flush!
Plop.
Plip.
Flush!
Plop.
WATER
Plip.
Flush!
Plop.
WATER
Plip
Flush!
Plop
A wetta-wetta-wetta-wetta...
DRINK IT DOWN!
A-boodaboodabingtingalingbaddaboodaboodabingtingalingakshakshboomkalangkaboomboomboomboombingatingtingbaddabaddabaddabadda
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...*
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
YOU SHOULD GO TO THE BATHROOM NOW.
SO, what'd you think of my new bardic song? I call it, "Trying to get you to...", as mentioned in this posts' title. I'm trying to get you to go to the bathroom. The idea is, you hear enough things bout water, you start needing to go. THis is a group ocapella thing, so here's the parts:
Person 1: The 'Plip' and 'Plop'.
Person 2: The FLUSH!
Person 3: The WATER
Person 4: The Ting
Person 5: The beatboxer and the one who says the words from the footnote.
Everyone: The bolded and italized words, the ones that are both of those.
Try it out with a group of your amigoes! See how long it takes before you all have to run to the bathroom!
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*While the group sings a steady note, someone says, "Niagra, Loch Ness, flooding, dripping, hurricanes, hoover dam, sweating, humidity, great lakes, water, plip."
Plop.
Plip.
Plop.
Plip.
Flush!
Plop.
Plip.
Flush!
Plop.
Plip.
Flush!
Plop.
WATER
Plip.
Flush!
Plop.
WATER
Plip
Flush!
Plop
A wetta-wetta-wetta-wetta...
DRINK IT DOWN!
A-boodaboodabingtingalingbaddaboodaboodabingtingalingakshakshboomkalangkaboomboomboomboombingatingtingbaddabaddabaddabadda
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...*
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
Plip Ting
Flush! Ting
Plop Ting
WATER Ting
YOU SHOULD GO TO THE BATHROOM NOW.
SO, what'd you think of my new bardic song? I call it, "Trying to get you to...", as mentioned in this posts' title. I'm trying to get you to go to the bathroom. The idea is, you hear enough things bout water, you start needing to go. THis is a group ocapella thing, so here's the parts:
Person 1: The 'Plip' and 'Plop'.
Person 2: The FLUSH!
Person 3: The WATER
Person 4: The Ting
Person 5: The beatboxer and the one who says the words from the footnote.
Everyone: The bolded and italized words, the ones that are both of those.
Try it out with a group of your amigoes! See how long it takes before you all have to run to the bathroom!
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*While the group sings a steady note, someone says, "Niagra, Loch Ness, flooding, dripping, hurricanes, hoover dam, sweating, humidity, great lakes, water, plip."
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Good News (AKA Boring Post)
Yesterday, the day before yesterday, and today is and was an experiment.
What sort of experiment, you ask?
Well, I am experimenting with Blogger dot Com's capabilities, and you know what?
YOU CAN SCHEDULE POSTS!
Why is this good news, you might ask?
Remember what I've been saying about not being able to keep up with the masses during the upcoming summer, since I'm going to be busy?
I'm sure you all cried.
But now I can schedule posts for the entire summer!
I can even schedule posts for when, four years from now, I leave to go on a Viking journey and won't have access to a computer for two years!
I'm sure you're all excited.*
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*I know how incredibly boring and unranty- this post was, but COME ON! Yesterday's was incredibly long and epic. I can't do one of those every day, you know!
What sort of experiment, you ask?
Well, I am experimenting with Blogger dot Com's capabilities, and you know what?
YOU CAN SCHEDULE POSTS!
Why is this good news, you might ask?
Remember what I've been saying about not being able to keep up with the masses during the upcoming summer, since I'm going to be busy?
I'm sure you all cried.
But now I can schedule posts for the entire summer!
I can even schedule posts for when, four years from now, I leave to go on a Viking journey and won't have access to a computer for two years!
I'm sure you're all excited.*
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*I know how incredibly boring and unranty- this post was, but COME ON! Yesterday's was incredibly long and epic. I can't do one of those every day, you know!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Other Sub-Classes
As I have mentioned before, there are many Sub-Classes beyond the main Nine classes of the 21st century. Even as we speak, the main rulers of the classes are discussing amongst themselves to decide if there should be a tenth, especially since it seems Dentists are moving in closer to calling Vikings their true rival. And, Samurais DO need a rival, someone to truly be able to fight back. Here, as given to me personally by our leader, Leif the Armless of CVU, are the top ten choices for the tenth main class.
10.) Lumberjacks: These are extremely influential in our world, but there are several reasons why they are not classified as a main class. One, they are basically like land vikings. Why? Because they use axes, cut down trees (for things like ships) and they stink.* They are also inferior to Vikings as well, since they don't have horns on their helmet, they don't travel in ships, and their proficiency in a variety of weapons beyond axes in not very... diverse.
9.) Rock Stars: These guys would be awesome to add to our class repertoire, but there are a few bad things about them as well. One, they'd all be bards, and two, they're all drug addicts. Its no fun to kill a druggy, trust me. Those stupid Urgur back in the dawn of time were ALWAYS high on their fires. We've all vowed not to make that mistake again.
8.) Spartans: Oh. MAN. They were awesome. But that's just the thing: They WERE awesome, they're not ARE awesome. Now, the entire Sub-Class is a bunch of nerds or wanna-be nerds shouting 'THIS... IS... SPARTA!" at random things and Viking-Kicking*** doors down. And though that yell makes you want to scream, shout, dance, cry, and pee all at the same time, ANYONE can say it.
7.) Were-Wolves: These guys would be in, but for some reason, they hate Vampires so much that if Vampires weren't a class, Were-Wolves would refuse to be a class as well, since then, Vampires would not be allowed to be their rival. And Vampires can't be a class because of four words:
TWILIGHT.
BY.
STEPHANIE.
MEYER.*****
6.) Public Relations officials: These guys would be at the top, because they got influence, power, influence, and are good at fighting in a pinch. But, quite simply, their job is as utterly pointless as a telephone repairman. So, these guys will probably waver between 6th and seventh place FOREVER.
5.) Environmentalists: True, these guys have been argued by my only fan for rise to class-dom. But honestly? They are really only as good as a normal human, since they still use crude means like... GUNS... and... GRENADES.... and... PLANT FOOD... they only thing that makes them non-human is their love for animals. I mean, come on, who doesn't like to squash a bug when they see one? I was in a Fast-Food restaurant one time, and a guy called his waiter over and said, "There's a bug in my soup. Is it supposed to be there, or not?" You could tell the guy rode the short-bus a little too much as a Little Kid. The waiter said, "I'm sorry, sir, would you like me to dispose of it?" Suddenly, someone vaulted out of one of those ridiculously large plants and sprayed the waiter with a bottle. "BUG-KILLER!" The person who jumped out of a plant yelled, ripping apart his dirt-colored clothes to reveal the common clothes of an environmentalist: A white polo shirt with an organization's symbol on it like PETA or Greenpeace on it. Due to the planty substance, the waiter died, writhing on the ground in mortal pain. However, the Environmentalist didn't think his way through his situation, because at that point, around fifty Waiters came ppouring into the restaurant, mercilessly slaughtering the environmentalist and then dropping cruelly slaughtered animals all over his body, as a sign of disrespect. As you can see, Environmentalists have nothing on Number Four.
4.) Waiters: Are also known as Butlers. And if you really have to ask why waiters are on the list, let me give you two reasons. One, look at Number 5.): Environmentalists. And two, two words for you:
ALFRED.
PENNYWORTH.
3.) Cowboys: With such examples like Indiana Jones and Orson Porter Rockwell, Cowboys definitely are a top choice for the next class. The problem is, they're too rednecky, they only use guns, and they wear ridiculous pants. Don't get me wrong, they have some serious powers. For example, they can spit farther most normal guns, their spit can be modified by adding in whatever substances they have ever ate, and they can summon large herds of cows to squash you flat. And they've got a great catch-phrase: "I've got a SNAKE in muh BOOT!"
2.) G.I. Joe: Yes, this class is second place, because of their influence on society and the fact that they can be called stuff like 'GI Jose' (Spain), 'GI Jacque' (France), 'GI Giuseppi' (Italian), and 'GI Jane' (Futuristic feministic society.) And for other reasons...
HAHAHAHA! Just kidding! That would be the worst class ever! THAT MOVIE LOOKS LIKE ITS GONNA BOMB! Anyway here's the real second most-likely class option...
2.) Used Car Salesmen: These guys can sell you their 12-month-old toe lint for two thousand bucks, and make you sell your 1963 vintage Ferrari for thirteen bucks and Some Milkduds. They have to. Otherwise, they'll have to stop feeding their kids for the month, since that ten-bucks usually spent feeding them will have to go toward that new thirty-six thousand dollar cruise he and mommy are going on. For the fifth time this month. But how does that help them in combat, you may ask? Well, I'll tell you. Imagine this: A Ninja comes up to a UCS and is all like, "Yo, wassup? I look forward to killing you soon!" The next thing Ninja knows, he's buying back the Bo-Staff for five-hundred bucks that he just sold to the UCS for two, AND the UCS whacked him one with it! Just deadly, I'll tell you.
And now, what you've all been waiting for: THE MOST-LIKELY SUB-CLASS TO BECOME A FULL CLASS! Except, I'm gonna kill the suspense, since there are actually two battling for supremeacy.
*No offense to them. I completely understand that after several hours of work, you sweat like crazy. And, quite honestly, dired-or-drying sweat stinks. So, if a lumberjack DID take offense, trust me, you need to just deal with it. And hey, I insulted Vikings too. Deal with it.**
**No offense.
***Its not a spartan kick, its a Viking kick. Yet another reason why Spartans shouldn't be a class: They're rip-offs!****
****Though Pirates ripped us off as well...
*****Once you start glowin', you can't be fightin'.
******I added an extra A for today! And on the sixth asterisk, too! Didja notice? I did!
10.) Lumberjacks: These are extremely influential in our world, but there are several reasons why they are not classified as a main class. One, they are basically like land vikings. Why? Because they use axes, cut down trees (for things like ships) and they stink.* They are also inferior to Vikings as well, since they don't have horns on their helmet, they don't travel in ships, and their proficiency in a variety of weapons beyond axes in not very... diverse.
9.) Rock Stars: These guys would be awesome to add to our class repertoire, but there are a few bad things about them as well. One, they'd all be bards, and two, they're all drug addicts. Its no fun to kill a druggy, trust me. Those stupid Urgur back in the dawn of time were ALWAYS high on their fires. We've all vowed not to make that mistake again.
8.) Spartans: Oh. MAN. They were awesome. But that's just the thing: They WERE awesome, they're not ARE awesome. Now, the entire Sub-Class is a bunch of nerds or wanna-be nerds shouting 'THIS... IS... SPARTA!" at random things and Viking-Kicking*** doors down. And though that yell makes you want to scream, shout, dance, cry, and pee all at the same time, ANYONE can say it.
7.) Were-Wolves: These guys would be in, but for some reason, they hate Vampires so much that if Vampires weren't a class, Were-Wolves would refuse to be a class as well, since then, Vampires would not be allowed to be their rival. And Vampires can't be a class because of four words:
TWILIGHT.
BY.
STEPHANIE.
MEYER.*****
6.) Public Relations officials: These guys would be at the top, because they got influence, power, influence, and are good at fighting in a pinch. But, quite simply, their job is as utterly pointless as a telephone repairman. So, these guys will probably waver between 6th and seventh place FOREVER.
5.) Environmentalists: True, these guys have been argued by my only fan for rise to class-dom. But honestly? They are really only as good as a normal human, since they still use crude means like... GUNS... and... GRENADES.... and... PLANT FOOD... they only thing that makes them non-human is their love for animals. I mean, come on, who doesn't like to squash a bug when they see one? I was in a Fast-Food restaurant one time, and a guy called his waiter over and said, "There's a bug in my soup. Is it supposed to be there, or not?" You could tell the guy rode the short-bus a little too much as a Little Kid. The waiter said, "I'm sorry, sir, would you like me to dispose of it?" Suddenly, someone vaulted out of one of those ridiculously large plants and sprayed the waiter with a bottle. "BUG-KILLER!" The person who jumped out of a plant yelled, ripping apart his dirt-colored clothes to reveal the common clothes of an environmentalist: A white polo shirt with an organization's symbol on it like PETA or Greenpeace on it. Due to the planty substance, the waiter died, writhing on the ground in mortal pain. However, the Environmentalist didn't think his way through his situation, because at that point, around fifty Waiters came ppouring into the restaurant, mercilessly slaughtering the environmentalist and then dropping cruelly slaughtered animals all over his body, as a sign of disrespect. As you can see, Environmentalists have nothing on Number Four.
4.) Waiters: Are also known as Butlers. And if you really have to ask why waiters are on the list, let me give you two reasons. One, look at Number 5.): Environmentalists. And two, two words for you:
ALFRED.
PENNYWORTH.
3.) Cowboys: With such examples like Indiana Jones and Orson Porter Rockwell, Cowboys definitely are a top choice for the next class. The problem is, they're too rednecky, they only use guns, and they wear ridiculous pants. Don't get me wrong, they have some serious powers. For example, they can spit farther most normal guns, their spit can be modified by adding in whatever substances they have ever ate, and they can summon large herds of cows to squash you flat. And they've got a great catch-phrase: "I've got a SNAKE in muh BOOT!"
2.) G.I. Joe: Yes, this class is second place, because of their influence on society and the fact that they can be called stuff like 'GI Jose' (Spain), 'GI Jacque' (France), 'GI Giuseppi' (Italian), and 'GI Jane' (Futuristic feministic society.) And for other reasons...
HAHAHAHA! Just kidding! That would be the worst class ever! THAT MOVIE LOOKS LIKE ITS GONNA BOMB! Anyway here's the real second most-likely class option...
2.) Used Car Salesmen: These guys can sell you their 12-month-old toe lint for two thousand bucks, and make you sell your 1963 vintage Ferrari for thirteen bucks and Some Milkduds. They have to. Otherwise, they'll have to stop feeding their kids for the month, since that ten-bucks usually spent feeding them will have to go toward that new thirty-six thousand dollar cruise he and mommy are going on. For the fifth time this month. But how does that help them in combat, you may ask? Well, I'll tell you. Imagine this: A Ninja comes up to a UCS and is all like, "Yo, wassup? I look forward to killing you soon!" The next thing Ninja knows, he's buying back the Bo-Staff for five-hundred bucks that he just sold to the UCS for two, AND the UCS whacked him one with it! Just deadly, I'll tell you.
And now, what you've all been waiting for: THE MOST-LIKELY SUB-CLASS TO BECOME A FULL CLASS! Except, I'm gonna kill the suspense, since there are actually two battling for supremeacy.
1.) Amazons vs. Little Kids!
Why Amazons? Three words for you:
OOO.
LA.
LA.
Why Little Kids? A simple phrase, said by Edward Teach, leader of the Pirates: 'Little kids are Demons wrapped up in an outer shell of Angelicness.'
So, now you know. Maybe one day, when you join the ranks of the Viking Class, or any other class, you traitor, you'll be able to help vote in the final decision. But, you're probably not, so too bad for you.
Olaf the BAAAAAALD!******
*No offense to them. I completely understand that after several hours of work, you sweat like crazy. And, quite honestly, dired-or-drying sweat stinks. So, if a lumberjack DID take offense, trust me, you need to just deal with it. And hey, I insulted Vikings too. Deal with it.**
**No offense.
***Its not a spartan kick, its a Viking kick. Yet another reason why Spartans shouldn't be a class: They're rip-offs!****
****Though Pirates ripped us off as well...
*****Once you start glowin', you can't be fightin'.
******I added an extra A for today! And on the sixth asterisk, too! Didja notice? I did!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Apology
I'm SORRY!
OH SO SORRY!
Friday's post, About the Duct Tape Monstrosity, had offended my only reader, "I Once Was On Fire," whom I've nicknamed "Firey" throughout some of my posts, in ways I can't understand! Something about the Unicorns. So, in an attempt to get my only reader back... Here's an apology.
I'm SORRY!
IT WAS HAIRY!
I'M AN OFFENSIVE GUY!
EVEN THOUGH I DON'T LIKE UNICORNS!
I LIKE MY READERCORNS!
I THINK I'M GONNA CRY!
K, that's all you're gettin'.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
OH SO SORRY!
Friday's post, About the Duct Tape Monstrosity, had offended my only reader, "I Once Was On Fire," whom I've nicknamed "Firey" throughout some of my posts, in ways I can't understand! Something about the Unicorns. So, in an attempt to get my only reader back... Here's an apology.
I'm SORRY!
IT WAS HAIRY!
I'M AN OFFENSIVE GUY!
EVEN THOUGH I DON'T LIKE UNICORNS!
I LIKE MY READERCORNS!
I THINK I'M GONNA CRY!
K, that's all you're gettin'.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Gardening
Though Gardeners ARE a type of sub-class, many people gardenate, vikings included. Today, all I did was... make a ... GARDEN.
Gardens are STUPID! IN the good old day, we vikings used to make like rabbits and raid them instead of actually planting them ourselves. But since NO-ONE REALLY plants gardens anymore, except for flower gardens, and i'm talkin' food gardens, we have to plant our own.
I got woken up earlier than I EVER do, the Crack Of Ten O' Clock! Gregory the Hairy lined up his crew, gave us all jobs, and sent us out.
I was in charge of weeding. I hate weeding! ITS AN UTTERLY POINTLESS JOB! Once you pull ONE plant out, another 50 await! And its not like there's 51 plants there, either. FOr every ONE plant you pull up, 50 pop up! Its like this: for every 51 you pull up, 2601 are still there. NIGHTMARES!
Not only that, but than the Zoobie* Gardeners that live near Urbia come walking up and giving us... INSTRUCTIONS.
"USE YOUR BACK! DON'T PUT THAT MUCH WEED KILLER DOWN! WATCH OUT FOR THAT RAKE! YOU'RE DOING THAT ALL WRONG! STOP LOOKING AT ME! HOES ARE NOT MEANT FOR SWINGING! ESPECIALLY NEAR MY FACE!"
Ugh.
Gardening stinks.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*I mean Zoobie, not Zombie.
Gardens are STUPID! IN the good old day, we vikings used to make like rabbits and raid them instead of actually planting them ourselves. But since NO-ONE REALLY plants gardens anymore, except for flower gardens, and i'm talkin' food gardens, we have to plant our own.
I got woken up earlier than I EVER do, the Crack Of Ten O' Clock! Gregory the Hairy lined up his crew, gave us all jobs, and sent us out.
I was in charge of weeding. I hate weeding! ITS AN UTTERLY POINTLESS JOB! Once you pull ONE plant out, another 50 await! And its not like there's 51 plants there, either. FOr every ONE plant you pull up, 50 pop up! Its like this: for every 51 you pull up, 2601 are still there. NIGHTMARES!
Not only that, but than the Zoobie* Gardeners that live near Urbia come walking up and giving us... INSTRUCTIONS.
"USE YOUR BACK! DON'T PUT THAT MUCH WEED KILLER DOWN! WATCH OUT FOR THAT RAKE! YOU'RE DOING THAT ALL WRONG! STOP LOOKING AT ME! HOES ARE NOT MEANT FOR SWINGING! ESPECIALLY NEAR MY FACE!"
Ugh.
Gardening stinks.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*I mean Zoobie, not Zombie.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Duct Tape Monstrosity
Since Vikings don't use money, we can't buy cool equipment online. And since we can't buy cool equipment online, we can't get any cool equipment except from stealing. And you can't get good equipment from stealing, since No-One in this century has any Viking paraphenelia. And since no-one has any Viking Paraphenilia, you gotta go to a blacksmith and get him to make some. But we don't have money to pay blacksmiths. And even then, if we had money, we would go buy cool equipment online.
HORRIBLE ENDLESS CIRCLES!
As you can tell, there aren't really any good places... or things... to get Viking equipment from. And all the stuff we brought from the past, some DOOFUS suggested that we should plant them so we can get more. And WHOEVER suggested it thought that since Vikings are so hairy, we must be related to squirrels, and so, now matter WHERE WE BURIED our stuff, we would be able to find it.
Guess what?
We're not related to Squirrels.
I hate it when people come up with stupid crap like that. And I definitely DON'T know who it was, either.
Hold on, Gregory the Hairy wants me to do KP...
Hello. I'm G-G-G-George the Y-Y-Y-Yellow. O-O-Omar the Bold wanted m-m-me to f-f-f-f-f-fill in for his sn-sn-sn-sneakin' in words into Olafs-fs-fs-fs post to-to-to-today. He j-j-j-just wanted me to t-t-t-tell y-you that it w-w-was Olaf wh-wh-who sugg-gg-ggested th-that w-w-w-we plan-palan-palant the-the-the equipment.
Hey, this is Omar. I told George to not to transcribe his nervousness, but hey. That's what you get when your ENTIRE BODY STUTTERS.
H-h-h-h-h-ey...
Huh, I don't remember writing all that bolded and italicized text up there, but I must have had a good reason for it, so I'm not even going to look at it and write with a newfound furor. Stupid soapy suds all over my keyboard.
So, here's our solution for our problem:
DUCT TAPE!
Now, we were hesitant about doing this, but after reading some ONE PIECE, throwing duct tape balls into the water, and putting our Duct-Tape made helmets on Ninjas and smacking the crap out of their heads, we decided three things:
1.) Rag-Tag hats are cooler than they sound.
2.) Duct Tape dries out REALLY WELL.*
3.) It can withstand around .05% of blows.
Those three reasons made us decid that Duct tape, an invention of the modern age, is the new material to make helmets, and occasionally whole sets of armor. For everything else, we use bear fur.**
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*The first time.
**Stolen from... Michaels.***
***Yeah, how sissy of us. But we get our weapons from Wal-Mart!****
****Yeah, how sissy of us.*****
*****AND IT WAS UNICORN FUR! YEAH! KILL DA UNICORNS! SISSY UNICORNS! Heh heh... heh he... heh.******
******This was not a crack at any organization that has the Unicorn as a mascot.
HORRIBLE ENDLESS CIRCLES!
As you can tell, there aren't really any good places... or things... to get Viking equipment from. And all the stuff we brought from the past, some DOOFUS suggested that we should plant them so we can get more. And WHOEVER suggested it thought that since Vikings are so hairy, we must be related to squirrels, and so, now matter WHERE WE BURIED our stuff, we would be able to find it.
Guess what?
We're not related to Squirrels.
I hate it when people come up with stupid crap like that. And I definitely DON'T know who it was, either.
Hold on, Gregory the Hairy wants me to do KP...
Hello. I'm G-G-G-George the Y-Y-Y-Yellow. O-O-Omar the Bold wanted m-m-me to f-f-f-f-f-fill in for his sn-sn-sn-sneakin' in words into Olafs-fs-fs-fs post to-to-to-today. He j-j-j-just wanted me to t-t-t-tell y-you that it w-w-was Olaf wh-wh-who sugg-gg-ggested th-that w-w-w-we plan-palan-palant the-the-the equipment.
Hey, this is Omar. I told George to not to transcribe his nervousness, but hey. That's what you get when your ENTIRE BODY STUTTERS.
H-h-h-h-h-ey...
Huh, I don't remember writing all that bolded and italicized text up there, but I must have had a good reason for it, so I'm not even going to look at it and write with a newfound furor. Stupid soapy suds all over my keyboard.
So, here's our solution for our problem:
DUCT TAPE!
Now, we were hesitant about doing this, but after reading some ONE PIECE, throwing duct tape balls into the water, and putting our Duct-Tape made helmets on Ninjas and smacking the crap out of their heads, we decided three things:
1.) Rag-Tag hats are cooler than they sound.
2.) Duct Tape dries out REALLY WELL.*
3.) It can withstand around .05% of blows.
Those three reasons made us decid that Duct tape, an invention of the modern age, is the new material to make helmets, and occasionally whole sets of armor. For everything else, we use bear fur.**
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*The first time.
**Stolen from... Michaels.***
***Yeah, how sissy of us. But we get our weapons from Wal-Mart!****
****Yeah, how sissy of us.*****
*****AND IT WAS UNICORN FUR! YEAH! KILL DA UNICORNS! SISSY UNICORNS! Heh heh... heh he... heh.******
******This was not a crack at any organization that has the Unicorn as a mascot.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Shanty
Part of my job of being a Bard is to create rowing songs for our crew, for when we row (while our motor's broken*). Here is one of my newest ones.
Here goes!
Oh, and here's the key:
Words look like this when the Bard is singing.
Words look like this when the crew is singing.
Words look like this when everyone sings.
Here goes!
"We are Vikings"
by the bard Olaf the Bald of the viking crew of the Bloodhound
The toll upon our bones, we weep
The pace with waves our arms, we keep
The feeling of glory that comes our way
waxes and wanes day by day
The feeling of triumph, in our grasp
The weapons, of deadly, in our clasp
We'll conquer and feel the ones of old
beckoning to us we are so... bold ...
We are vikings, go and go
Stick the oars in, row and row
Pity the ones for their sake
Death and Destruction follow our wake...
We are vikings, go and go
Stick the oars in, row and row
Pity the ones for their sake
Death and Destruction follow our wake...
All over the land, all over the sea
we fight and kill our enemies
and those who fear us, don't be wrong
you'll be next before too long
the ones who sing, do not forget
have no worries, do not regret
those who oppose us will soon be gone
Because we are the number one...
Num... ber... one...
We are vikings, go and go
Stick the oars in, row and row
Pity the ones gone for their sake
Death and Destruction follows our wake...
And I'm warning you, firey... It's one thing to insult Hagar the Horrible's poems, but you EVEN LOOK AT MINE THE WRONG WAY, AND I'LL TRACK YOUR IP ADDRESS TO YOUR HOUSE!
So, you liked it, eh?
Olaf the BAAAAALD
*That we definitely don't have.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Death
When Vikings die, there is a customary way for them to be sent off to the next life. First things first, you need to make a boat. For elderly people who are about to bite it, boats are usually made weeks prior, so the person's body doesn't start to stink from rotting. And, MAN! Do people STINK when they die! I mean, look at THIS: and you'll see what I mean.
Anyway, once the boat is made or recycled from a prior boat*, you put the Viking in it and send it off toward the horizon. We believe that once the Viking is returned to the sea, he (or she)'s spirit will be sent to the afterlife.
In the afterlife, you have two options to go to. If you have a blood oath or something, then you are able to go back to earth as a spirit and kill the person you have sworn a blood oath to kill. Unlike most people's beliefs about blood oaths, being a spirit allows you to complete that without any of that annoying junk like ... BODIES, or ... PHYSICAL PARTS OF YOU, or ... NOT BEING ABLE TO WALK THROUGH WALLS. You know, that stuff.
Once all your blood oaths are completed, you get to go to... THE PLACE. No one knows what THE PLACE is, but we Vikings assume its a viking heaven.
So let's review:
1.) If you are dead or dying**, your people put you on a boat and send you off.
2.) You tip over.
3.) You get to fulfill blood oaths as a spirit.
4.) You go... to... THE PLACE.
Thank you. I hope I've been completely serious throughout this serious subjet to talk about.***
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*The fanciest boat for a dead Viking I've ever seen was used when a boat was deemed too dangerous to go out on open water on. It was HUGE! It held over two-thousand men at its prime. So, just when we're about to dissemble it for wood, Frederick the Jolly bites it. So we put him on the boat, and let it float away, just like you're supposed to do for a Viking.
**You don't neceasarily have to be DEAD, just close to death with no chance to escape it. For example, getting bitten with a poisonous snake with no antidote around. Most vikings just want to go on that boat anyway, so their closest friends don't see them in their final death throes. I just think death throes are fun... Wait, I mean, uh... sad, not funny. I wasn't gonna say funny!
***I LIED! I HAVEN'T BEEN SERIOUS AT ALL! AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Death RULES! Unless, of course, its my death.****
****Moment of silence for my future death.
Anyway, once the boat is made or recycled from a prior boat*, you put the Viking in it and send it off toward the horizon. We believe that once the Viking is returned to the sea, he (or she)'s spirit will be sent to the afterlife.
In the afterlife, you have two options to go to. If you have a blood oath or something, then you are able to go back to earth as a spirit and kill the person you have sworn a blood oath to kill. Unlike most people's beliefs about blood oaths, being a spirit allows you to complete that without any of that annoying junk like ... BODIES, or ... PHYSICAL PARTS OF YOU, or ... NOT BEING ABLE TO WALK THROUGH WALLS. You know, that stuff.
Once all your blood oaths are completed, you get to go to... THE PLACE. No one knows what THE PLACE is, but we Vikings assume its a viking heaven.
So let's review:
1.) If you are dead or dying**, your people put you on a boat and send you off.
2.) You tip over.
3.) You get to fulfill blood oaths as a spirit.
4.) You go... to... THE PLACE.
Thank you. I hope I've been completely serious throughout this serious subjet to talk about.***
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*The fanciest boat for a dead Viking I've ever seen was used when a boat was deemed too dangerous to go out on open water on. It was HUGE! It held over two-thousand men at its prime. So, just when we're about to dissemble it for wood, Frederick the Jolly bites it. So we put him on the boat, and let it float away, just like you're supposed to do for a Viking.
**You don't neceasarily have to be DEAD, just close to death with no chance to escape it. For example, getting bitten with a poisonous snake with no antidote around. Most vikings just want to go on that boat anyway, so their closest friends don't see them in their final death throes. I just think death throes are fun... Wait, I mean, uh... sad, not funny. I wasn't gonna say funny!
***I LIED! I HAVEN'T BEEN SERIOUS AT ALL! AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Death RULES! Unless, of course, its my death.****
****Moment of silence for my future death.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Classes, Sub-Classes, Wanna-Be Classes, and Glasses.
CLASSES
While their are nine major classes, there DID used to be twelve, and there have been thirteen in all.
The nine major classes as of two-thousand and nine are, in order of prevalence, Ninjas, Dentists, Robots, Firemen, Postal Workers, Pirates, Clowns, Vikings, and Samurai, though the prevalence is constantly changing. For example, in the 'Golden Age of Piracy,' Pirates were the most prevalent. But once upon a time, long ago, when the world was first created, there were twelve, in order of prevalence: The Unknown, Samurai, Pirates, Knights, Vikings, Ninjas, Musketeers, Dentists, Clowns, Postal Workers, Urgur, and Robots.
Noticeably absent are the Firemen. They are the only wanna-be class that fully made it to class-status. But more on Wanna-Be classes a few more paragraphs down.
The Unknown (S) were a class that existed very shortly in the meridian of time. After the twelve classes had been chosen and arranged, The Unknown claimed THEY were supreme. The other eleven classes disagreed, and an epic battle ensued. Sadly, every member of each class was defeated, with only one male and one female left for each class, save for The Unknown, who had all of their numbers alive. Oh, and the Robots had been wiped out. Sadly, The Unknown were so cruel, they left the most attractive females and the most unnattractive males alive (I wouldn't know about the unattractive males part, I took someone's word for it.) Apparently, The Unknown did that as punishment to the other classes' females, because those females refused to date them. The Unknown, then realizing that there was no challenge for them, left the planet, warning all who lived there that if they referred to The Unknown by anything other than bolded, italized, 'The Unknown', that person would be killed. Painfully. There are over one million cases of this happening. No one knows how The Unknown know when someone does this, we just know that that person shall die.
The remaining ten classes on the earth had their remaining members marry and mate, much to the chagrin of the females and to the delight of the males. The attractiveness factors among their children soon evened out, and the world was back to how it was before. The Ninjas, being posers and desiring to be more like The Unknown, left their hippie roots (they used to be epic Gardeners) and tried as hard as they could to become like The Unknown, but even now have only reached half the level of awesomeness The Unknown had.
Around a thousand years of peace ('Peace', being defined by the classes as 'A time where war happens only every five minutes'), with many of the classes keeping their identities secret from the Humans, out from the Humans came many Wanna-Be classes, the Firemen being one of them, created when a few fires created by the Urgur got out of hand.. For the most part, the main classes ignored them. But one day, disaster struck.
The Urgur's main defining trait was that they lived in the firey parts of the world. When Ninjas figured out how to travel through fire, the Urgurs were destroyed. That left only nine major classes, with thousands of wanna-be classes. All the other classes banded together to try and eliminate the Ninjas, because of their horrible abomination they had done: Destroying one of the other classes. A few of the Ninjas escaped, however, and after the other classes cooled down, the Ninjas came back, and began building again. Around this same time, with the Vikings dying out, they jumped into their time machine and left for the late 1900s.
Those who can't follow me, the Prevalence at this point of time was Knights, Pirates, Samurai, Musketeers, Clowns, Dentists, Postal Workers, and Ninjas.
One day, late in the 15th the Knights did the unthinkable: They killed the Musketeer's Queen, their'lady. It was a chance happening, and the Knights apologized profusely, but it was too late. The Musketeers vowed that they would not rest until all Knights were eliminated from the world. Over the next hundred years, the two classes savagely fought, with mostly no interference at all from any of the other classes. However, Pirates sided with the Musketeers several times during the war, and Ninjas sided with Knights, though both doing it in secret. Suddenly, it happened. The last Musketeer and the last Knight fought, and with a single thrust from both of them, they died. At this point, the Pirates and Ninjas discovered that they were working against each other, and thus began the horrible feud that lasts to this day.
Update: Pirates, Samurai, Ninjas, Postal Workers, Dentists, and Clowns.
Once again, relative "Peace" occured for a few hundred years, until a human by the name of Einstein simultaneously did two things: discovered a blueprint for the making of a Robot, and out-smarted a Ninja. While making the robot, Einstein gained rights to talk with the entire ninja class due to his work in out-smarting a Ninja. While talking with them about life, Einstein convinced them to let the Firemen become a full-blown class, since he felt very much akin to Benjamin Franklin, who had tried to do the same thing for Firemen nearly two hundred years ago with the 'Invention' of the fire department. The other classes were not so quick to let the Firemen into the circle of classes, however. In a quick decision, the six main classes at this point decided to have a six v. six battle, one warrior from each of the main classes vs. six firemen. Whoever won decided whether or not the firemen would actually become a full-blown class.
AT the end of the battle royal, all twelve warriors were dead. However, so impressed were the six major classes about how the firemen had performed, they decided to let them in anyway.
Minutes after the induction of the firemen, Einstein finished making the first robot since the beginning of time. However, his plan backfired, and the robot killed him, quickly making new robots. Three classes, worried about what impact the new robots would make, volunteered to destroy them. The Firemen were one of those classes, and most of the other classes wanted this to be another induction. The Postal Workers, however, wished to be given the glory as well. The two classes clashed, starting another feud not unlike Pirates vs. Ninjas.
Meanwhile, the Clowns left to battle the robots, taking advantage of the other two distracted classes. A huge battle commenced, which was the real result why those two nukes went off in Japan. Eventually, a Samurai assault team entered the battle, sick and tired of the long war in their homeland. After some negotiations, the Robots were allowed BACK into the major classes, the first time they had ever been able to do so since the Destruction of their class by The Unknown nearly eight thousand years ago.
Once again, 'Peace' commenced. During this period from Then to Now, the Vikings arrived from the past. They were quickly inducted back into the major classes, which brings us to now.
How was THAT for a history lesson? Next time your history teacher starts talking about any crap, don't worry. THIS is all the history you need to know.
Sub-Classes
Now that you know all of the major classes, you need to know that most of those classes have sub-classes. No, I don't mean like the 'Caste' system in Inida or whatever, I mean, like, Bards.
Here, I'll give you the Sub-Classes you need to know, which is all of them.
Fighter: Nothing special. Fights. Has a primary weapon.
Ranger: Uses ranged weapons. Very often a cheap person.
Mage: Can use magic. Speaks in latin half the time.
Bard: Uses music to harm his enemies, as well as fight.
Thief: Steals stuff from others.
Healer: Heals people.
Need some more help? Here's my full class build:
"I am Olaf the Bald, a Tri-sub-classed Bard*/Ranger**/Fighter*** Viking."
Got it now? Now, you can, TOO, classify yourself! Unless you're not a viking. Then I'll show you how to classify yourself nice and easy:
"I am Cron****, a Quintople-Sub-Classed Loser/Loser/Loser/Loser/Loser Extra-Loser*****."
Wanna-Be (Minor) Classes
Now, while there are only nine current MAJOR classes, there ARE minor classes that don't really have enough influence on the world to be counted as a class, or even enough firepower (figuratively speaking, since Viking don't use ranged weapons). Here are ten examples of Wanna-Be Classes:
- Astronauts
- Librarians
- Environmentalists
- Policemen
- Cowboys
- Rock Stars
- Lumberjacks
- Acrobats
- Vampires
- Little Kids
Get the idea? Good. Now, Sub-Classes are not things like 'Rednecks', 'Nerds', 'Jocks', or anything along THOSE lines. Those are personality traits. If you think they're some sort of class anyway, then call them 'Sub-Sub-Sub-Classes.' The Sub-Sub-Classes, I'm sure you can guess what those are.
Glasses
I used to wear glasses all the time. Its because when I was, like, five, just before the Viking Time Machine incident, I got mad at a tree and threw a stick at it. The tree had the last laugh, though, since the stick richocheted against the tree and struck me in the eye. I've had lowered vision ever since in that eye (my right, in case you were wondering). I don't wear glasses now, but whenever someone like Phil the Conceited finds my old elementary school yearbooks, its embarassing.
Anyway, happy 60th! Almost two full months of posts!
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
*Remember, I said I''m a drummer in my 'Chucks' post either last month or this month? Drum-Chucks, baby!
**Remember, I'm trained in the art of a slingshot! My 'Ranged Weapons' post either last month or the month before? However, that's a secret, since Vikings should NEVER use ranged weapons under any circumstance. I had... an interesting childhood.
***Most Vikings are fighters, anyway.
**** Generic name.
***** BURN!
Monday, May 18, 2009
How to do the Wildanceamancer
So, I have consistantly mentioned my unique fighting style, which I have consistantly called the Wildanceamancer attack, a duel wielding Nunchaku/Battle Ax combo. I bet many of ou are wondering: "What crack-headed attack is that attack?"
WAIT NO! That's not the question you were wanting to be answered! What was I thinking? Ha ha ha! The question you're REALLY asking is "How Kick-Butt AWESOME is that attack?" I will show you. The diagram below is drawn by me, in a style of artwork Hagar the Not-So-Horrible calls "Crap", but I call "Artsome." Its where my cartoonish characters have invisible arms and no visible legs! You know what that is?
ARTSOME!
WAIT NO! That's not the question you were wanting to be answered! What was I thinking? Ha ha ha! The question you're REALLY asking is "How Kick-Butt AWESOME is that attack?" I will show you. The diagram below is drawn by me, in a style of artwork Hagar the Not-So-Horrible calls "Crap", but I call "Artsome." Its where my cartoonish characters have invisible arms and no visible legs! You know what that is?
ARTSOME!
HOW TO DO THE WILDANCEAMANCER
huh? Huh? HUH? Pretty sweet, YAH?
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
VIking Helmets- (The End of COOA)
You know what happened to Olaf? He won. Yeah, I did. That was obvious, no matter what answer you picked. I've decided that this whole idea is stupid on at least seven levels. So, I'm back (again) to giving you fresh-picked advice!
Some Vikings have decided to start using the internet, like I already did (I'm a trend setter, baby!) Some of them have started a f0rum, one that no Non-or-Almost Viking will ever be able to find. And one of the topics on the forum right now is... VIKINGS APPARENTLY DON'T HAVE HORNS ON THEIR HELMETS!
Some scientists think that the reason we aren't aware of this is because of the Time Machine Incident Eight Hundred and Eighty years ago (as referenced to in the 'My Age' post of May, 2009). But whatever the case, THIS is the reason why we are concerned about our horns.
I mean, I've been wearing horns on my helmets for years, and never thought about it! It DOES make sense, though; I mean, swinging a weapon around usually gets blocked by whacking your own horns and stuff. It does help in SOME occasions, though. One time, I swung my Nunchaku at a ninja, and on a backswing, I whacked the left horn of my helmet and it flew off. After the ninja was dispatched, I turned around and saw that the two horns were imbedded in a Clown, who had been sneaking up on me minutes before.
I guess the main reason why I'm so upset is, even though YOU may not remember, I remember the Knights of the first half of 12th century, the one I was born in. Knights were cheap, to put it mildly. They wore hornless helmets, tons of armor, and were nearly IMPOSSIBLE to kill. They were one of the main reasons behind the Viking depression of the 12th century, and one of the main reasons why we left it. We learned that, in an effort to kill off the ninjas in Europe, knights tried to kill them off with the bubonic plague, which had been secretly invented by robots. However, Ninjas are just too dang fast to catch diseases, and the plague backfired on the knights, killing them all off so there were none left by the time the Vikings arrived in the late 20th century.
Anyway, if we Vikings didn't wear horned helmets, that means our helmets are no better than a ... GULP ... knight! UGH!
There IS one advantage to this, though. Since Phil the Conceited had to go and sell all of my COOL, METAL helmets on eBAY, I had to make a new one out of duct tape. It is NOT very Viking-esque. I'm constantly worried that its gonna fall off into the water and get ruined, get sat upon and crushed, ANYTHING bad that can happen to a duct tape contraption, I constantly worry about.
Horns are hard to find nowadays, with Environmentalists (a wanna-be class, like cowboys and astronauts) like PETA killing anyone who takes a picture of an animals bad side or worse, its just hard. The main problem is, even if I wanted to get a full-blown horned viking hat again, most cost money (Which Vikings don't use) or need horns (Which those poser environmentalists are obviously hoarding.). SO, I think if I'm going to get a true helmet again, I'ma gonna need to go hornless style.
Where am I gonna get the actual helmet part, though? I think I know. Omar the Bold has, like, fifty metal bowls in his kitchen. I think I can sneak in and get one ...
I'll keep ye posted, as I think I'm going through a image change....
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Some Vikings have decided to start using the internet, like I already did (I'm a trend setter, baby!) Some of them have started a f0rum, one that no Non-or-Almost Viking will ever be able to find. And one of the topics on the forum right now is... VIKINGS APPARENTLY DON'T HAVE HORNS ON THEIR HELMETS!
Some scientists think that the reason we aren't aware of this is because of the Time Machine Incident Eight Hundred and Eighty years ago (as referenced to in the 'My Age' post of May, 2009). But whatever the case, THIS is the reason why we are concerned about our horns.
I mean, I've been wearing horns on my helmets for years, and never thought about it! It DOES make sense, though; I mean, swinging a weapon around usually gets blocked by whacking your own horns and stuff. It does help in SOME occasions, though. One time, I swung my Nunchaku at a ninja, and on a backswing, I whacked the left horn of my helmet and it flew off. After the ninja was dispatched, I turned around and saw that the two horns were imbedded in a Clown, who had been sneaking up on me minutes before.
I guess the main reason why I'm so upset is, even though YOU may not remember, I remember the Knights of the first half of 12th century, the one I was born in. Knights were cheap, to put it mildly. They wore hornless helmets, tons of armor, and were nearly IMPOSSIBLE to kill. They were one of the main reasons behind the Viking depression of the 12th century, and one of the main reasons why we left it. We learned that, in an effort to kill off the ninjas in Europe, knights tried to kill them off with the bubonic plague, which had been secretly invented by robots. However, Ninjas are just too dang fast to catch diseases, and the plague backfired on the knights, killing them all off so there were none left by the time the Vikings arrived in the late 20th century.
Anyway, if we Vikings didn't wear horned helmets, that means our helmets are no better than a ... GULP ... knight! UGH!
There IS one advantage to this, though. Since Phil the Conceited had to go and sell all of my COOL, METAL helmets on eBAY, I had to make a new one out of duct tape. It is NOT very Viking-esque. I'm constantly worried that its gonna fall off into the water and get ruined, get sat upon and crushed, ANYTHING bad that can happen to a duct tape contraption, I constantly worry about.
Horns are hard to find nowadays, with Environmentalists (a wanna-be class, like cowboys and astronauts) like PETA killing anyone who takes a picture of an animals bad side or worse, its just hard. The main problem is, even if I wanted to get a full-blown horned viking hat again, most cost money (Which Vikings don't use) or need horns (Which those poser environmentalists are obviously hoarding.). SO, I think if I'm going to get a true helmet again, I'ma gonna need to go hornless style.
Where am I gonna get the actual helmet part, though? I think I know. Omar the Bold has, like, fifty metal bowls in his kitchen. I think I can sneak in and get one ...
I'll keep ye posted, as I think I'm going through a image change....
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
I WARNED YOU! (CHoose Olaf's Own Adventure part 4)
Olaf picks number thirteen.
A crack appears underneath his feet from the pavement he's sitting on.
The Teen Titans turn to run, but glowing monkeys fly out of the cracks and engulf them whole.
Olaf falls on the ground, trembling as the cracks grow larger, and as something pushes its way up to the surface.
Roaring, a huge demon thrusts its way into the sky, making all things that are standing up on the surface not stand up.
Suddenly, Olaf realizes that his Nun-Chucks and Ax were with him the whole time.
A. Wildanceamancer, SONS!
B. Weak spot is its head!
C. Weak spot is its toes!
D. Weak spot is his chest!
E. Weak spot is his humurous!'
Olaf the BAAAAALD*
*Sorry for the lame post today, I've been busy today. Thumbs up!
A crack appears underneath his feet from the pavement he's sitting on.
The Teen Titans turn to run, but glowing monkeys fly out of the cracks and engulf them whole.
Olaf falls on the ground, trembling as the cracks grow larger, and as something pushes its way up to the surface.
Roaring, a huge demon thrusts its way into the sky, making all things that are standing up on the surface not stand up.
Suddenly, Olaf realizes that his Nun-Chucks and Ax were with him the whole time.
A. Wildanceamancer, SONS!
B. Weak spot is its head!
C. Weak spot is its toes!
D. Weak spot is his chest!
E. Weak spot is his humurous!'
Olaf the BAAAAALD*
*Sorry for the lame post today, I've been busy today. Thumbs up!
Friday, May 15, 2009
I'm back, Some news, and Choose Olaf's Own Adventure part 3
All right, off my strike, thanks to my one and only fan! Some cool things I think yall should know:
1. I MADE A SHEATH FOR MY NUN-CHUCKS! Who's ever done THAT before, huh?
2. I'M MAKING A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO SAY NUNCHAKU INSTEAD OF NUN-CHUCKS! Why? Sounds cooler.
3. I"M PREPARING FOR AN EXCURSION! More details if I ever actually do it.
4. I AM PLANNING ON ADDING SOMETHING TO THE BLOG! Here's a hint: "Out-Classed." Ring any bells? It will soon.
Ok, so here's the next installment to the adventure!
The superhero Cockroachbumpedfeatheryman, formerly known as Olaf the Bald, flew to Jump City. As he flew over the city, the Teen Titans attacked him.
"What did I ever do to you?" Our superhero with the too long of a name cried.
"You look like a freak!" Beast Boy said, halfway inbetween transformations of naked mole rat and chincilla. Due to this, he looked like a Naked Moleicilla Chinrat, one of the most freakiest looking things in the world.
"And everyone knows we Teen Titans don't like non-humanoids!" Robin yelled, thowing a bo-staff into our hero's face. "I mean, look at us!"
"We bash on half-spiders, moths, tofu, and robots, and never befriend any of them! Boo Yah!" Cyborg yelled, blasting our hero with his blaster, proving once more that the teen titans really don't need Cyborg, since Starfire can shoot blaster bolts as well, and is stronger than Cyborg, and can fly, and is female. Cyborg is just a weaker version of our good friend Starfire. The only reason he was even inducted into the Teen Titans is because of his pleasant personality, which is also extremely unstable, since one little battery fallin off of him can knock him out like that. This is all to say that, simply, you don't need two blaster characters on a superhero team when one can fly, but one can't, and when one is Oo-lah-lah, and one is... ugh. ANyway, back to our action-filled story!
"ANd we need to kick the butt!" The ever-stunning Starfire, who is much more superior to Cyborg in every way as was stated in the prior paragraph, said, as she blasted Cockroachbumpedfeatheryman with her blaster bolts.
"And everyone knows whoever created our TV show for some reason has to make sure we get exactly equal screen time in a fight, You know I'm gonna do something epic." Raven said, splitting Cockroachbumpedfeatheryman into Olaf the Bald, a lump of flesh, a pillow, and a cockroach. The four parts to the once-superhero fell to the roof-tops. The Teen Titans ran up to them.
"Oh, you poor VIking!" Starfire fawned, totally cheating on Robin right in front of him. "Wasn't it horribly simple to be trapping in that disgusted insect?"
Will Olaf...
A. Say, "Yes, Hot Stuff, it was horrible. Wanna Make-Out?"
B. Forget the pick-up line and just kiss her.
C. Do B, but with Raven.
D. Beat on every single one of them, run, and swear revenge on them for ruining his cool superheroness.
E. Commit Suicide.
F. Touch the blue orb.
G. Start crying.
H. Buttadance.
I. Lick something to make it better.
J. Kiss both of the girls.
K. Go hang out with the rock-solid Terra.
L. Kiss the girl mentioned in K.
M. DON'T PICK THIS ONE! IT'S THE THIRTEENTH CHOICE! IT'S UNLUCKY!
N. Wonder why there are so many choices this time.
O. Kill the president.
P. Jump into the portal that randomly appeared next to him.
Q. Buttadance.
R. "I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed"
S. Wait, the one above wasn't even a choice, It was a quote!
T. This is what I get for trying to go from A-Z with choices.
U. Complain about how stupid Olaf is.
V.Buttadance
W. Kill Bill Gates.
X. Eat a mango.
Y. Poop out a phone bill.
Z. I think I forgot that I'm suppsed to be following a somewhat coherent storyline...
YOU MUST ONLY PICK ONE! IF YOU PICK ALL OF THE ABOVE, LIKE WHAT FIREY DID ONE DAY 1, THEN IT DOESN"T COUNT.
I'm back, BABY!
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
1. I MADE A SHEATH FOR MY NUN-CHUCKS! Who's ever done THAT before, huh?
2. I'M MAKING A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO SAY NUNCHAKU INSTEAD OF NUN-CHUCKS! Why? Sounds cooler.
3. I"M PREPARING FOR AN EXCURSION! More details if I ever actually do it.
4. I AM PLANNING ON ADDING SOMETHING TO THE BLOG! Here's a hint: "Out-Classed." Ring any bells? It will soon.
Ok, so here's the next installment to the adventure!
The superhero Cockroachbumpedfeatheryman, formerly known as Olaf the Bald, flew to Jump City. As he flew over the city, the Teen Titans attacked him.
"What did I ever do to you?" Our superhero with the too long of a name cried.
"You look like a freak!" Beast Boy said, halfway inbetween transformations of naked mole rat and chincilla. Due to this, he looked like a Naked Moleicilla Chinrat, one of the most freakiest looking things in the world.
"And everyone knows we Teen Titans don't like non-humanoids!" Robin yelled, thowing a bo-staff into our hero's face. "I mean, look at us!"
"We bash on half-spiders, moths, tofu, and robots, and never befriend any of them! Boo Yah!" Cyborg yelled, blasting our hero with his blaster, proving once more that the teen titans really don't need Cyborg, since Starfire can shoot blaster bolts as well, and is stronger than Cyborg, and can fly, and is female. Cyborg is just a weaker version of our good friend Starfire. The only reason he was even inducted into the Teen Titans is because of his pleasant personality, which is also extremely unstable, since one little battery fallin off of him can knock him out like that. This is all to say that, simply, you don't need two blaster characters on a superhero team when one can fly, but one can't, and when one is Oo-lah-lah, and one is... ugh. ANyway, back to our action-filled story!
"ANd we need to kick the butt!" The ever-stunning Starfire, who is much more superior to Cyborg in every way as was stated in the prior paragraph, said, as she blasted Cockroachbumpedfeatheryman with her blaster bolts.
"And everyone knows whoever created our TV show for some reason has to make sure we get exactly equal screen time in a fight, You know I'm gonna do something epic." Raven said, splitting Cockroachbumpedfeatheryman into Olaf the Bald, a lump of flesh, a pillow, and a cockroach. The four parts to the once-superhero fell to the roof-tops. The Teen Titans ran up to them.
"Oh, you poor VIking!" Starfire fawned, totally cheating on Robin right in front of him. "Wasn't it horribly simple to be trapping in that disgusted insect?"
Will Olaf...
A. Say, "Yes, Hot Stuff, it was horrible. Wanna Make-Out?"
B. Forget the pick-up line and just kiss her.
C. Do B, but with Raven.
D. Beat on every single one of them, run, and swear revenge on them for ruining his cool superheroness.
E. Commit Suicide.
F. Touch the blue orb.
G. Start crying.
H. Buttadance.
I. Lick something to make it better.
J. Kiss both of the girls.
K. Go hang out with the rock-solid Terra.
L. Kiss the girl mentioned in K.
M. DON'T PICK THIS ONE! IT'S THE THIRTEENTH CHOICE! IT'S UNLUCKY!
N. Wonder why there are so many choices this time.
O. Kill the president.
P. Jump into the portal that randomly appeared next to him.
Q. Buttadance.
R. "I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed"
S. Wait, the one above wasn't even a choice, It was a quote!
T. This is what I get for trying to go from A-Z with choices.
U. Complain about how stupid Olaf is.
V.Buttadance
W. Kill Bill Gates.
X. Eat a mango.
Y. Poop out a phone bill.
Z. I think I forgot that I'm suppsed to be following a somewhat coherent storyline...
YOU MUST ONLY PICK ONE! IF YOU PICK ALL OF THE ABOVE, LIKE WHAT FIREY DID ONE DAY 1, THEN IT DOESN"T COUNT.
I'm back, BABY!
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Emo Post #9
You know, this wouldn't be so bad if I knew how to yodel.
YodelAAAAAAAYYYOOOOO!!!!!
Doo doo doo doo...
Yeah.
The best part about this whole thing is that ... oh wait, gnawing my leg off isn't a good thing.
No, the best part was ... No, losing my entire stock portfolio to Erik the Noisy is a good thing, either.
I GOT IT! The best part about this whole thing was when Douba Stuft teh Rapper (no misspellings in his name) rapped about my strike! Bust it!
YodelAAAAAAAYYYOOOOO!!!!!
Doo doo doo doo...
Yeah.
The best part about this whole thing is that ... oh wait, gnawing my leg off isn't a good thing.
No, the best part was ... No, losing my entire stock portfolio to Erik the Noisy is a good thing, either.
I GOT IT! The best part about this whole thing was when Douba Stuft teh Rapper (no misspellings in his name) rapped about my strike! Bust it!
Olaf Strike
by the Viking Douba Stuft teh Rapper
He's on strike
cuz no one reads his blog,
could be a fike
or a very big hog!
Cutting hisself both day and night
staring at the screen miserably
dancing through the flowers with a kite
something else that rhymes with 'miserably!'
Yeah
Yeah
WHat WHat
Word Shizzle.
So as you can see, Douba Stuft is not a good rapper at all. But Rasputin the Healer IS a good person to go to after your ears have been shredded!
Olaf the BAAAAAALD!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Still on Strike
You know, if I had a picket for every person who didn't read my blog, I've have over six billion pickets. And with those six billion pickets, I could make a huge picket sign. And with that picket sign, I could write on it, in huge, block letter, "I'm On Strike, Read my Blog." And then everyone could see it becuase it would be so huge. And then everyone would come up to me and say, "Hey, you have a blog? What's the address?" So I'd wait another day, six billion more pickets would pop up, and I'd make another sign that reads, "By The Way, My Blog Is vikingranting.blogspot.com." And then all six billion people would come up to me AGAIN and say, "Oh. Thanks." And then every single person in the entire world would check out my blog, and about half of the people would be able to read it, abother half of that people would like it, about another half would ever check it again, another half would remember it once every month, another half would read it every week, and the last half would read it every day. So, let me do some math... 6 ... 3 ... 1.5 ... .75 ... .375 ... .1875 ... .09375. So, .09375 Billion people would read my blog everyday, which would cause quite a fanbase to occur. I'd be the most-read blogger in the world. And then EVERYONE would know the name Olaf the Bald. And then EVERYONE would love me. Or, at least, 93,750,000 would.
You wanna know why I did another emo rant today?
Go here to read yesterdays post.
Go here to read the post I want at least one person to comment on so I can get out of my Self Depression and stop KNOCKING MYSELF OUT WITH MY NUN-CHUCKS AT NIGHT!
Olaf the Bald. No 'BAAAAALD!' today, since I don't feel like shouting.
PS Tis my eighth Emo or Partial-Emo post EVER!
You wanna know why I did another emo rant today?
Go here to read yesterdays post.
Go here to read the post I want at least one person to comment on so I can get out of my Self Depression and stop KNOCKING MYSELF OUT WITH MY NUN-CHUCKS AT NIGHT!
Olaf the Bald. No 'BAAAAALD!' today, since I don't feel like shouting.
PS Tis my eighth Emo or Partial-Emo post EVER!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Adventure on hold
So, no one's voted yet. So I'm on strike until someone votes for a new choice that I, Cockroachbumpedfeatheryman, the superhero formerly known as Olaf the Bald, can do. If you want to know what I'm talking about, go to the previous post.
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
Olaf the BAAAAALD!
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