Classes, Sub-Classes, Wanna-Be Classes, and Glasses.

CLASSES

While their are nine major classes, there DID used to be twelve, and there have been thirteen in all.

The nine major classes as of two-thousand and nine are, in order of prevalence, Ninjas, Dentists, Robots, Firemen, Postal Workers, Pirates, Clowns, Vikings, and Samurai, though the prevalence is constantly changing. For example, in the 'Golden Age of Piracy,' Pirates were the most prevalent. But once upon a time, long ago, when the world was first created, there were twelve, in order of prevalence: The Unknown, Samurai, Pirates, Knights, Vikings, Ninjas, Musketeers, Dentists, Clowns, Postal Workers, Urgur, and Robots.

Noticeably absent are the Firemen. They are the only wanna-be class that fully made it to class-status. But more on Wanna-Be classes a few more paragraphs down.

The Unknown (S) were a class that existed very shortly in the meridian of time. After the twelve classes had been chosen and arranged, The Unknown claimed THEY were supreme. The other eleven classes disagreed, and an epic battle ensued. Sadly, every member of each class was defeated, with only one male and one female left for each class, save for The Unknown, who had all of their numbers alive. Oh, and the Robots had been wiped out. Sadly, The Unknown were so cruel, they left the most attractive females and the most unnattractive males alive (I wouldn't know about the unattractive males part, I took someone's word for it.) Apparently, The Unknown did that as punishment to the other classes' females, because those females refused to date them. The Unknown, then realizing that there was no challenge for them, left the planet, warning all who lived there that if they referred to The Unknown by anything other than bolded, italized, 'The Unknown', that person would be killed. Painfully. There are over one million cases of this happening. No one knows how The Unknown know when someone does this, we just know that that person shall die.

The remaining ten classes on the earth had their remaining members marry and mate, much to the chagrin of the females and to the delight of the males. The attractiveness factors among their children soon evened out, and the world was back to how it was before. The Ninjas, being posers and desiring to be more like The Unknown, left their hippie roots (they used to be epic Gardeners) and tried as hard as they could to become like The Unknown, but even now have only reached half the level of awesomeness The Unknown had.

Around a thousand years of peace ('Peace', being defined by the classes as 'A time where war happens only every five minutes'), with many of the classes keeping their identities secret from the Humans, out from the Humans came many Wanna-Be classes, the Firemen being one of them, created when a few fires created by the Urgur got out of hand.. For the most part, the main classes ignored them. But one day, disaster struck.

The Urgur's main defining trait was that they lived in the firey parts of the world. When Ninjas figured out how to travel through fire, the Urgurs were destroyed. That left only nine major classes, with thousands of wanna-be classes. All the other classes banded together to try and eliminate the Ninjas, because of their horrible abomination they had done: Destroying one of the other classes. A few of the Ninjas escaped, however, and after the other classes cooled down, the Ninjas came back, and began building again. Around this same time, with the Vikings dying out, they jumped into their time machine and left for the late 1900s.

Those who can't follow me, the Prevalence at this point of time was Knights, Pirates, Samurai, Musketeers, Clowns, Dentists, Postal Workers, and Ninjas.

One day, late in the 15th the Knights did the unthinkable: They killed the Musketeer's Queen, their'lady. It was a chance happening, and the Knights apologized profusely, but it was too late. The Musketeers vowed that they would not rest until all Knights were eliminated from the world. Over the next hundred years, the two classes savagely fought, with mostly no interference at all from any of the other classes. However, Pirates sided with the Musketeers several times during the war, and Ninjas sided with Knights, though both doing it in secret. Suddenly, it happened. The last Musketeer and the last Knight fought, and with a single thrust from both of them, they died. At this point, the Pirates and Ninjas discovered that they were working against each other, and thus began the horrible feud that lasts to this day.

Update: Pirates, Samurai, Ninjas, Postal Workers, Dentists, and Clowns.

Once again, relative "Peace" occured for a few hundred years, until a human by the name of Einstein simultaneously did two things: discovered a blueprint for the making of a Robot, and out-smarted a Ninja. While making the robot, Einstein gained rights to talk with the entire ninja class due to his work in out-smarting a Ninja. While talking with them about life, Einstein convinced them to let the Firemen become a full-blown class, since he felt very much akin to Benjamin Franklin, who had tried to do the same thing for Firemen nearly two hundred years ago with the 'Invention' of the fire department. The other classes were not so quick to let the Firemen into the circle of classes, however. In a quick decision, the six main classes at this point decided to have a six v. six battle, one warrior from each of the main classes vs. six firemen. Whoever won decided whether or not the firemen would actually become a full-blown class.

AT the end of the battle royal, all twelve warriors were dead. However, so impressed were the six major classes about how the firemen had performed, they decided to let them in anyway.

Minutes after the induction of the firemen, Einstein finished making the first robot since the beginning of time. However, his plan backfired, and the robot killed him, quickly making new robots. Three classes, worried about what impact the new robots would make, volunteered to destroy them. The Firemen were one of those classes, and most of the other classes wanted this to be another induction. The Postal Workers, however, wished to be given the glory as well. The two classes clashed, starting another feud not unlike Pirates vs. Ninjas.

Meanwhile, the Clowns left to battle the robots, taking advantage of the other two distracted classes. A huge battle commenced, which was the real result why those two nukes went off in Japan. Eventually, a Samurai assault team entered the battle, sick and tired of the long war in their homeland. After some negotiations, the Robots were allowed BACK into the major classes, the first time they had ever been able to do so since the Destruction of their class by The Unknown nearly eight thousand years ago.

Once again, 'Peace' commenced. During this period from Then to Now, the Vikings arrived from the past. They were quickly inducted back into the major classes, which brings us to now.

How was THAT for a history lesson? Next time your history teacher starts talking about any crap, don't worry. THIS is all the history you need to know.

Sub-Classes

Now that you know all of the major classes, you need to know that most of those classes have sub-classes. No, I don't mean like the 'Caste' system in Inida or whatever, I mean, like, Bards.

Here, I'll give you the Sub-Classes you need to know, which is all of them.

Fighter: Nothing special. Fights. Has a primary weapon.

Ranger: Uses ranged weapons. Very often a cheap person.

Mage: Can use magic. Speaks in latin half the time.

Bard: Uses music to harm his enemies, as well as fight.

Thief: Steals stuff from others.

Healer: Heals people.

Need some more help? Here's my full class build:

"I am Olaf the Bald, a Tri-sub-classed Bard*/Ranger**/Fighter*** Viking."

Got it now? Now, you can, TOO, classify yourself! Unless you're not a viking. Then I'll show you how to classify yourself nice and easy:

"I am Cron****, a Quintople-Sub-Classed Loser/Loser/Loser/Loser/Loser Extra-Loser*****."

Wanna-Be (Minor) Classes

Now, while there are only nine current MAJOR classes, there ARE minor classes that don't really have enough influence on the world to be counted as a class, or even enough firepower (figuratively speaking, since Viking don't use ranged weapons). Here are ten examples of Wanna-Be Classes:

1. Astronauts
2. Librarians
3. Environmentalists
4. Policemen
5. Cowboys
6. Rock Stars
7. Lumberjacks
8. Acrobats
9. Vampires
10. Little Kids

Get the idea? Good. Now, Sub-Classes are not things like 'Rednecks', 'Nerds', 'Jocks', or anything along THOSE lines. Those are personality traits. If you think they're some sort of class anyway, then call them 'Sub-Sub-Sub-Classes.' The Sub-Sub-Classes, I'm sure you can guess what those are.

Glasses

I used to wear glasses all the time. Its because when I was, like, five, just before the Viking Time Machine incident, I got mad at a tree and threw a stick at it. The tree had the last laugh, though, since the stick richocheted against the tree and struck me in the eye. I've had lowered vision ever since in that eye (my right, in case you were wondering). I don't wear glasses now, but whenever someone like Phil the Conceited finds my old elementary school yearbooks, its embarassing.

Anyway, happy 60th! Almost two full months of posts!

Olaf the BAAAAALD!

*Remember, I said I''m a drummer in my 'Chucks' post either last month or this month? Drum-Chucks, baby!

**Remember, I'm trained in the art of a slingshot! My 'Ranged Weapons' post either last month or the month before? However, that's a secret, since Vikings should NEVER use ranged weapons under any circumstance. I had... an interesting childhood.

***Most Vikings are fighters, anyway.

**** Generic name.

***** BURN!