Modern 2: Attack of the Urbanites

Don't forget to suggest topics for Olaf to rant about!

Topic for today suggested by CougarMan.

Viking ships don't have stuff like GPSs. What kind of drugs are you on?

There ARE navigation tools that are essential for every ship, viking or not, though vikings came up with the ideas first. Pirates made the methods more famous, but credit needs to be given where credit is due.

If you are lost, here are some ideas:

1.) Bring a nuke with you on the boat. If you get hopelessly lost, set the nuke for as long a time as it takes you to swim half-a-mile, and then swim for half-mile. The resulting explosion will draw soldiers and rescue boats from every major and minor superpower in the world, enabling you to be rescued.

2.) If you come across another boat, ask for directions. Since they will most likely be false, kill everyone on board and wait for their families or whatnot at their home to wonder where they are. Soon, rescue boats will come. Sneak aboard one of the rescue boats and disguise yourself as a rat, like all vikings can do. Soon you'll be on your way home.

3.) Bring a seal in a cage. When you get lost, start abusing it. Within a matter of seconds, you will be under attack from PETA agents. Kill all of the agents but one. Question him where to go, and if he refuses, throw him in the cage with the abused seal. After the angry seal finishes beating him up, he should tell you where to go, and he will also swear never to care about seals ever again, an added bonus.

4.) Bring something covered with blood and drag it in the water behind you. Soon, dolphins will start following the boat. You will know if this worked if you see the tell-tale dorsal fins behind you. If you get lost, sink the boat, and the dolphins that have been following you will be more than happy to give you a ride.

5.) Bring a copy of a March of the Penguins DVD and have your entire crew watch it when you get lost. Soon, you all will be asleep, and when you wake up, you will ax the TV, look outside, and be exactly where you need to be.

That's all off the top of my head.

Olaf the BAAAAALD!